Fantasy league 2018 -- week 8 recap

 

It’s not too late to plan the perfect football-themed Halloween costume for Wednesday. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

** Browns Coach Hue Jackson: Pick a street with 40 houses, fail to ring the doorbell on 37 of them, then act indignant when you get fired from your team of Trick or Treaters.

** Giants QB Eli Manning: Replace your right arm with a broken pool noodle and then look sad about it the whole night.

** RB Adrian Peterson: Dress up as an old man but then surprise everyone by outrunning the rest of the crowd to the front door.

** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: Put on a hoodie sweatshirt, stay at home, then steal candy from kids as they come to your door.

** An NFL ref: Just point at random cars, trees and other inanimate objects while yelling “holding!” When someone objects, call roughing the passer on them.

** WR Golden Tate: Put on a Lions jersey, then put on an Eagles jersey, then go out there and win some games.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 40.96 pts — started by Jo
WR: Marvin Jones Jr., 23.30 pts — started by Mike
RB: James Conner, 33.50 pts — started by me
TE: Jordan Thomas, 15.93 pts — on the waiver wire
K: Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Cincinnati, 17.00 pts — on the waiver wire
D: Dee Ford, 12.00 pts — on the waiver wire

Ohmigawd, Pat Mahomes didn’t make the list for a change.

James Conner is now the #3 fantasy RB on the season, which is great for everyone who took him with the #2 overall pick this year. But most people didn’t do that and instead grabbed Le’Veon Bell, the presumed starting RB for the Steelers who continues to hold out deep into the regular season. Conner has gone from waiver wire pick-up to bonafide fantasy star. And the day that Bell comes back, he’ll probably get cut from millions of teams around the country.


“Players we started” edition

1st place: (tie) Miami, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Oakland, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Baltimore, -6.00 pts — started by Mom D

Look, we have defenses bottom out all the time. But three in the same week? That’s worth writing about. The Dolphins, Raiders and Ravens defensive squads combined for zero turnovers, zero sacks and 120 points allowed. It wasn’t much of a surprise for the Oakland and Miami squads, who have been poor to awful. But Baltimore was among the top scoring defenses of the year coming into week 8. Looks like Carolina didn’t just make Philly miserable.

Special shout out to Jamis Winston, who threw four picks on Sunday en route to getting benched and destroying my other fantasy team. In fairness, he’s awful, and I only have myself to blame for believing in him.

** From Thursday Night Football, as the Dolphins face a 4th and 7 trailing by 15 in the 4th quarter:
Joe Buck — “Now (Dolphins) Coach Adam Gase has a decision to make, whether to kick the field goal or go for it.”

Troy Aikman — “And it’s one that he is going to have to make, and it looks like he is making it.”

Thanks for clearing that up.

** Speaking of Joe Buck on Thursday Night Football, why the hell was Joe Buck on Thursday Night Football? He had just done the World Series in Boston the two nights prior. Fox flew him to Houston to do the football game while the baseball teams were headed to Los Angeles, where he picked up play-by-play duties on Friday.

Was there really overwhelming demand to fit him in on Friday night? Can’t we get one evening off from his blundering madness?

** In the third quarter, with the Rams trailing the Packers in a key game for both franchises, Los Angeles QB Jared Goff was sacked on a clothesline tackle by LB Clay Matthews that drew a roaring ovation from the crowd.

One problem with that: They were playing in LA.

Look, I understand the franchise just moved there two years ago. And I know the Packers are a popular national team. But we as fans were told for years how hungry the city was for its own football team. And the Rams are the best team in football right now. And more people at that stadium were rooting for Green Bay than the local squad.

Maybe instead of these stupid London games, the NFL could have just played exhibitions in LA all these years and not forced loyal fan bases to lose their beloved teams for the sake of false promises about fan base growth. Maybe if both the teams playing in LA were visitors, you’d have fans cheering for each side instead of just the out-of-towners.

Actually, the stupidest thing I read in recent days was an article in the Washington Post that talked about how Boston sports fans have gone from long-suffering losers to a multitude of championships. Even after the Red Sox fourth World Series title in 15 years, expect more of this garbage to come — how did the city of Boston ever go from such sports misery to such sports success?

News flash: They didn’t. Boston has always had successful teams and still whined about how hard it was to not see their teams win every year. If you are a 50-year-old Boston sports fan today, you have seen 21 championships among the four major sports in your lifetime. That’s the exact same number as a 50-year-old New York fan, and they’re fielding three extra teams every year.

Only five cities have fielded teams in all four sports continuously since 1968: Boston, New York, Detroit, Chicago and Philly. During that span, New Yorkers have never had to wait more than seven years for one of their teams to bring home a title (they’re in a six-year drought, though). Chicago has seen 12 championships over that span but hasn’t had to wait more than a decade between titles.

Boston had a bad 15-year stretch — missing a championship for all of the 1990s — but never went more than four years between titles over that same span. So, unless you’re a Boston fan born after the Celtics win in 1986, you never really had to “wait” to see your team win it all for any significant stretch.

Detroit had one 15-year title drought over the last five decades and is working on a 10-year drought right now. And Philly? Somehow the 24-year, 100-seasons stretch without a major sports title between the Sixers in 1983 and Phillies in 2008 never got as romanticized as the poor Boston fans’ “suffering” did. What you did hear was a lot of sports pundits criticizing that Philly fans returned to booing the Eagles so soon after last year’s Super Bowl win, presumably not appreciating the long wait like those not-complaining Boston fans do.

But, there is a silver lining to the Red Sox winning this year’s title: With the same number of championships as New York over the last 50 years, and 12 this century alone, Boston has officially become shorthand for “insufferable teams that win a lot.” So you don’t have to hate the Yankees anymore. It’s more patriotic to hate Boston instead.


The Cowboys, desperate for WR help, traded for Raiders wideout Amari Cooper last week, and I have never had an easier time with this anagram. Behold:

Amari Cooper
** Poor America

The number of times I have found anti-patriotic sentiments in the names of players for “America’s team” would make your head spin. Want to make America great again? It can only start with an overdue mass revolution against the Cowboys.

** My other fantasy teams are 4-4 and 3-5, and I’m down nine games to Dad in the weekly picks. I’m beginning to feel like the 2018 Eagles, hung over from the celebration last year and unable to right my football ship as the season slips away. Unlike the Eagles, though, I have a stable of Awesome Cups to help dry my tears.

** Delaware knocked off #10 Towson this weekend, putting them a step closer to securing a spot in the FCS playoffs. They’re in first place in the Colonial Athletic Association and have two wins against ranked opponents. Get your post-season tickets ready, folks.

Week 8 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1105.53 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1102.04 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 1031.67 pts
4 — Want Some CandyCorn? (Paul), 975.71 pts
5 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 962.12 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom), 918.98 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 911.03 pts
8 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 908.87 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 893.70 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 868.27 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 846.51 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast, (Mike), 765.50 pts

Wow. I’m still in first, but just barely. Both Jo and Ant posted weeks of 175-plus pts, turning the league into an actual three-team race for the first time in a while. Paul’s yet again renamed team is knocking on the door, and came in just under 150 pts. For the week. In fact, nine of the 12 teams topped 100 pts, which is a remarkably good showing for almost everyone.

Related, Mike is still in the league.

We’re done with the tyranny of the London games but there’s still a Thursday contest to worry about. Also, the Eagles have their bye this week, so remember to fill in those gaps before Sunday at 1pm.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 7 recap

 

Misery loves company, and Sunday was pretty miserable for the Philly faithful. Blowing a 17-point lead in the 4th quarter puts them in the running for the worst finish of the football week, but it’s not the slam dunk gut punch that you may think. Consider these other awful finishes:

** The Browns lost in overtime against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on a 59-yard FG after the Cleveland punt returner fumbled moments earlier. The loss dropped the Browns to 0-3-1 in overtime games this season alone. That a lot of late anguish.

** The Cowboys scored a TD with three minutes left in their game to pull within three points of the Maryland Racial Slurs, then got the ball back and sped down to the 28-yard line to attempt a game-tying FG. Then they took a false-start penalty and hit the upright with their 52-yard kick … that absolutely would have been good from five yards closer.

** The Bears, down seven points to the Patriots, completed a 54-yard pass on the final play of the game. Unfortunately, they were 55 yards from the end zone. The game ended with WR Kevin White tackled a few inches short of the game-tying score.

** The Ravens, down seven points, drove 81 yards in less than two minutes in the fourth quarter to tie their game against the Saints … or, it would have been tied, if K Justin Tucker hadn’t missed the first extra point of his career, giving Baltimore a one-point loss.

** The Falcons played the Giants Monday night, and entering the fourth quarter they weren’t leading by 70 pts. That’s a hard ending to watch, because the Giants are garbage, and should not be on the field with a real, professional football team.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 40.82 pts — started by Ant
WR: Emmanuel Sanders, 22.92 pts — started by Jim
RB: Kareem Hunt, 32.77 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Trey Burton, 18.90 pts — started by me
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Denver, 33.00 pts — on the wire
D: Cory Littleton, 18.00 pts — on the wire

It’s always the defenses.

Interrupting this week’s edition of “how many Chiefs can make the top player list” is the QB of the one and only Philly Special, Mr. Trey Burton, now the #1 TE for the Bears. He had his best game of the year by far on Sunday, racking up nine catches for 126 yds and a TD against those pesky Patriots again. Apparently, dude should play them every week.

Also Pat Mahomes is currently worth 46 more fantasy pts than the second highest scoring player in the league and is on pace for 51 TDs on the season blah blah blah.


“Players you know” edition

3rd place: Jacoby Brissett, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Matt Breida, -0.50 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Derek Anderson, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Breida won a tight race for the title of “fantasy team killer” this week, barely edging out Melvin Gordon, who was a late scratch for the 9:30 am game, leaving tens of thousands of fantasy owners with an unexpected goose egg when they woke up. But the San Fran RB did him one better, actually taking pts away from owners who started him, thanks to a fumble and five carries before getting injured.

For the record, I started them both in one of my pay leagues. No, I’m not bitter. Why do you ask?

Special shout out to Cardinals QB Josh Rosen, who was barley worth positive points and threw more TDs to his opponents (two INTs returned for scores) than his own team (one TD to the ageless WR Larry Fitzgerald). It didn’t quite work out to a better reverse QB rating than his actual QB rating, much to my disappointment. But I still wanted to ridicule him.


** From the Washington Post college football preview on Saturday: “College GameDay makes its first stop in Pullman (Washington) … It was big enough news that Washington State QB Gardner Minshew and his teammates momentarily halted a competitive pumpkin carving contest when they heard the announcement.”

I have a lot of questions. How does that work? Are points awarded for speed? Is it smart to encourage professional athletes to work quickly with knives? Did they return to the contest after celebrating the TV news? What happened to the pumpkins afterwards? And was one of the coaches fired over this nonsense? Because if not, they should have been.

** Erin Andrews grabbed Maryland Racial Slurs RB Adrian Peterson after his team’s big win over the Cowboys to get his reaction. Her first question: “Adrian, what was it like to play in your first NFC East rivalry game?”

Look, I love me some NFC East love. But Adrian Peterson played in a few dozen games for the Vikings against the Bears and the Packers. Those aren’t minor rivalries. I understand that everyone in sports media thinks the Cowboys are the pinnacle of everything, even though they’ve only won one playoff game in the last 20 years, but this is just another important division game for Peterson. It’s not like his first playoff win or Super Bowl appearance.

Incidentally, he won’t get a playoff win or a Super Bowl appearance this year either.

** ESPN headline on Sunday night: “Eagles' late meltdown could come back to bite them”

Thank you for that insightful analysis. I thought blowing a 17-point lead would be good for this team long-term, but after reading the article, I realized that being 3-4 might not be good news.

The Eagles make their first trip to London this week in the 11-year history of the NFL’s storied “international series,” which has featured 23 other games in England and two games elsewhere. Apparently “international” just means “British.”

The Eagles will square off against the Jacksonville Jaguars, who have played a game in London every year since 2013, giving them a distinct home field advantage. But the birds have been working hard this week to understand the differences between football stateside and football across the pond to make sure they are prepared for the contest. Their prep includes:

** To deal with the language differences, coaches are explaining that that in London a “lift” is an elevator, a “boot” is a car’s trunk, and “roughing the passer” is still whatever the refs feel like it means at that moment.

** Since the Brits drive on the other side of the road, the Eagles are experimenting with sending RB Wendell Smallwood up the left side of the field to get tackled for a loss instead of up the right side.

** To better match local customs, all yard lines have been converted to meter lines and the Eagles offense has been perfecting their “1st and 9.144” drills.

** Taking a page from soccer, K Jake Elliot is planning on kicking more balls in between the uprights instead of on the outside.

** To cope with the jet lag from the long flight, the Eagles defense is planning to take a nap for the entire fourth quarter, just like they did last week.


As I mentioned earlier, Dallas suffered its own backbreaking loss on Sunday, thanks to a controversial snap procedure penalty on longtime long snapper L.P. Ladouceur. After the game, he was despondent over the call, noting it was the first time in his 14-year career he had ever seen refs step in this way. But who was he really upset at: the refs, or himself? Just look at what the letters say:

Penalty on LS Louis-Philippe “L.P.” Ladouceur
** I spun thou ill. Dope play calls ruin people, I pout

Hey, wanna feel old? This is the second time that I’ve done an anagram on Ladouceur. The other time was a decade ago. Seriously. This bit has been happening long enough to be in middle school.

Also, now that you clicked on that, please never look back in the archives again. That was … a different time.

** If you haven’t seen this Delaware kick return TD yet this week, you ain’t paying enough attention to real football.

** Dad and I split this week, so I remain seven games back. Thank you again Justin Tucker for missing that extra point, or I could have been down nine.

** Just a friendly reminder that no matter how hard this current Eagles team fails, last year still counts and Nick Foles will still be a Super Bowl MVP.

Week 7 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 970.89 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 925.55 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 857.07 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 840.19 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 839.42 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 829.32 pts
7 — I Can Haz Igglez (Paul), 826.14 pts
8 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 798.14 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 779.39 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 740.35 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 722.75 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 687.44 pts

Welcome back to Mom D, who has pulled herself all the way up from last place to the top half of the standings. But it’s still a long climb up to the top.

In fact, it’s getting a little longer for most of the league. Ant and I are turning this season into a two-team race, and he still has an extra week of Patrick Mahomes pts to catch up to where I am. Paul continues to be strong with the name game and weak with the fantasy game. And Mike is still in the league.

Next week is the halfway point of the season, when we start eliminating a team each week in a violent, televised deathmatch to eventually purge of all the unworthy coaches from the presence of the eventual, pure champion. Or we’ll just keep the same scoring and go nine more weeks. Tune in next Tuesday and we’ll see which one we decided upon.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 6 recap

Since the Eagles won the Super Bowl (happened last February, in case you forgot), I’ve been receiving mail for championship-related products nearly every week. Some are simple — commemorative footballs, coins — and most are ridiculous. This week’s may be my favorite.

Introducing the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl LII Christmas Tree Collection, only $249.91 (payable in four or 12 installments, pre-tax). It includes:

** Four “etched-brass ornaments featuring ‘Foles’ and ‘Jeffery,’ the ‘Helmet’ and ‘Eagles’ logo.” (No idea why helmet is capitalized.)

** A three-foot silver foil Christmas tree with an Eagles ribbon wrapped around it.

** A mini Christmas village with an Eagles bus, an Eagles restaurant across from an Eagles diner, and “the stadium main gate” for a venue that is clearly not Lincoln financial field.

** Three more “etched-brass” ornaments featuring the Super Bowl logo, Nick Foles inside a foam finger shape, and Zach Ertz catching a TD but looking like he’s lying down.

** A customizable mini scoreboard that always has the Super Bowl final score, so I don’t know what you are customizing.

** A snowy white tree skirt with green trim.

Anyways, you know my birthday and Christmas are both coming up, so remember to order today. I’m told supplies are limited.

QB: Jameis Winston, 38.90 pts — on Dad’s bench
WR: Tyreek Hill, 30.97 pts — started by Sam
RB: Todd Gurley, 34.93 pts — started by Bob
TE: Austin Hooper, 15.23 pts — on Mike’s bench
K: Jason Myers, 27.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 26.00 pts — started by Mom
D: Budda Baker, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Winston becomes the second Tampa Bay QB to be the top scoring passer on the week this season, which is bonkers. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw for 400-plus yards in his first three starts, then lost his job when Winston came back from injury the same week Fitzmagic had a lousy week. Football is a cruel, cruel sport.

Related (but not really), Gurley’s 208 rushing yards on Sunday were not only the most by any RB this season but also were more than Dion Lewis, Jay Ajayi, LeGarrette Blount, Devonta Freeman, Leonard Fournette or Dalvin Cook have on the entire year. So, he had a good day.


“Players with funny names” edition

3rd place: Roc Thomas, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Quincy Enunwa, -0.90 pts — on Mike’s bench
1st place: Ray-Ray McCloud III, -1.01 pts — on the wire

C’mon, Ray-Ray. You’re making thirds look bad out there.

Enunwa is the real shocker here. After catching at least 50 yds in his first four games, he was shut out last week and caught only one pass this week, then fumbled it and broke his ankle on the same play. That’s a pretty steep fall off.

Roc Thomas was born in 1995, so he’ll probably play better after he gets done puberty.

** Following their loss to the Eagles on Thursday night, which featured a back-breaking interception on the second play of the game, Giants coach Pat Shurmur dismissed calls to bench aging, deteriorating QB Eli Manning. “We believe in Eli," he said.

Eli has won two of his last 11 starts. So, good luck with that.

** With the Chiefs trailing the Patriots 24-9 at halftime, NBC studio host Mike Tirico said that entering the second half “getting into the end zone is going to be important.” That’s the kind of insight only a professional can provide.

** But wait! A day later, on ESPN, commentator Joe Tessitore said that even though the Chiefs lost the game, he left the contest feeling more confident in Kansas City QB Pat Mahomes because “he goes on the road, toe-to-toe with Brady, and we really learned who he is.”
He’s the QB that lost, FYI. If that’s your standard, then Eli Manning is the QB you respect the most in football right now.

America’s second favorite sport begins its 2018 season tonight, with a series of NBA tip-offs across the country. With hockey already in full swing, let’s take a look at the competition status and most likely championship contenders in each sport:

2018 champ:
NFL — Philadelphia Eagles
NHL — Washington Capitals
NBA — Golden State Warriors

2017 champ:
NFL — New England Patriots
NHL — Pittsburgh Penguins
NBA — Golden State Warriors

2019 favorites now:
NFL — Los Angeles Rams
NHL — Toronto Maple Leafs
NBA — Golden State Warriors

Sports Illustrated championship pick:
NFL — Atlanta Falcons
NHL — Tampa Bay Lightning
NBA — Golden State Warriors

Dark horse pick:
NFL — New Orleans Saints
NHL — Nashville Predators
NBA — Golden State Warriors

Philly homer pick:
NFL — Philadelphia Eagles
NHL — Philadelphia Flyers
NBA — Philadelphia 76ers … lose to the Golden State Warriors in seven

This is also your annual reminder than in the last 35 years, only 11 different teams have won a championship in basketball. In the NFL, they’ve had 11 different champs in the last 21 years. In hockey, it’s 11 in the last 18 years.

Parity has no home in the NBA.


With the retirement of Jason Witten at the end of last season, the Cowboys were faced with a formidable hole to fill at their tight end position. One of their attempts to do so was drafting Stanford TE Dalton Schultz in the fourth round. So what does he bring to the table? Exactly what you’d expect from the team:

Dallas Rookie TE Dalton Chase Schultz
** Zero soul, no tact, halted skill, dad aches

But other than that, he’s a home run.

** I won a week against Dad! Granted, I only picked up one game, and I’m still down a TD with an extra point. But every long journey starts with small steps.

** Don’t look now, but Delaware is 4-2 and just cracked the top 25 in the Football Championship Series. They knocked off #11 Elon this week in convincing fashion. Next up is 1-6 New Hampshire.

** Seven different defenses posted negative fantasy pts this week. We may need to look into a zero defense option next year.

Week 6 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 816.12 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 786.21 pts
3 — The Iggle Has Landed (Paul), 751.99 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 739.16 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 736.68 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 722.09 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 700.95 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 679.74 pts
9 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 679.29 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 631.84 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 613.93 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 587.22 pts

Now we’re getting somewhere. Ant and Paul continue to creep closer to the top spot, while Mom D and Bob made huge leaps this week to pull themselves into the middle of the pack. That meant large tumbles for Jo and Joel. Also, Mike is still in the league.

Don’t forget: This week has a 9:30 am game on Sunday (Titans vs. Chargers) and another Thursday night game (with more Joe Buck! Yay!). Also there may be a game at 4:35 a.m. on Saturday morning. I dunno, the NFL just schedules them whenever the hell it feels like anymore.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 5 recap

Current Eagles RB depth chart:

1 — Jay Ajayi ~~ Status: Dead. Out for the season with a torn ACL.
2 — Darren Sproles ~~ Status: Mostly dead. Out since week 1 with leg injuries.
3 — Corey Clement ~~ Status: Possibly alive. Out since week 3 with leg injuries.
4 — Wendell Smallwood ~~ Status: Alive, but who cares? Cannot pick up the pass rush due to his 4-foot-5 frame.
5 — Josh Adams ~~ Status: Undetermined. I literally never heard of him before last week.
6 — Duce Staley ~~ Status: RB coach. May suit up this week anyways.
7 — Lesean McCoy ~~ Status: Only a dream.

 

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 34.68 pts — started by Jim
WR: Odell Beckham, 25.83 pts — started by Ant
RB: Todd Gurley, 30.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Eric Ebron, 23.50 pts — started by Paul
K: Graham Gano, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: Josh Bynes, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Yeah, Cincinnati’s D also scored 23 pts, but I don’t feel like rearranging the chart up there for another player left on the wire.

Not on the list of top performers was Saints RB Alvin Kamara, who had been averaging almost 27 pts a game this season. This week he got 5. On Monday night, New Orleans scored 43 pts without ever really looking Kamara’s way, limiting him to under 10 touches for the first time this season in favor of overworking RB Mark Ingram, just back from a drug suspension. Ingram had twice as many plays as Kamara and two TDs. Remember that next time someone tells you crime doesn’t pay.


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Joshua Dobbs, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, -0.53 pts — on the wire
1st place: Rod Streater, -1.10 pts — on the wire

Cleveland WR Streater’s stats through five games this year: 1 carry, -11 yds. Other than that, though, he has looked great.

At the moment, 11 offensive players have negative fantasy pts on the year. Seven of them are backup QBs, with a variety of kneel downs and garbage time turnovers. But we still have four wideouts on the list, which is more fun because it takes more incompetence to get negative pts when you don’t start the play with the ball.

** There’s a new NFL.com fantasy football commercial that opens with a man staring blankly into the camera:

“No job, no family, just walk away from it all. That’s my number one fantasy.”
Camera zooms out, his buddy beside him on the couch says, “No, Bill, what’s your number one fantasy pick?”

Dazed, the guy replies, “Oh, David Johnson?”

Everyone in the room replies, “Good pick, nice pick.” And then the narrator obliviates.

Let forget for a moment that this is a dark, dark, dark commercial for something as light and frivolous as fantasy football, and that the crowd in the commercial just ignored clear homicidal inklings from this man. I want to focus on his pick instead, because it’s terrible.

Rams RB Todd Gurley was the clear #1 pick for the season. Johnson is fine, I took him #3 overall. But c’mon. We’re five weeks into the season and the guy is the #12 RB in the league, and that’s only because a handful of guys had bye weeks already. If you took Johnson #1, you deserve the miserable life you have created.

Just don’t take it out on the wife and kids, OK?

** Headline by ESPN this weekend: Northwestern WR hit square in face, leads to INT. It’s accurate and as dumb as it sounds.

** In that Monday night game, with the Saints leading 40-13 halfway through the third quarter, ESPN talking thing Booger McFarland said that he was stunned that the Maryland Racial Slurs “aren’t playing with more urgency.”

Yeah, that was the problem. Not the 40 pts surrendered in 40 minutes. It was the lack of urgency.

Actual items for sale on NFLshop.com right now:

** $999 — a game worn Tyrod Taylor jersey
One of only three in existence, since he has already been benched in favor of Baker Mayfield.

** $3.99 — a Geno Smith car decal
Smith last played for the Jets in early 2016, and has been on three other teams’ rosters since.

** $31.99 — a white NFL bucket hat
No team. Just a white hat with the NFL logo. For $32.

** $1399.99 — An autographed Dak Prescott helmet
I costs $200 more than a helmet signed by Emmitt Smith, a player who won at least one playoff game.

** $69.99 — a bobblehead of Trey Burton throwing the Philly special to Nick Foles
This price is ridiculous and I need this.


With so many new players on an NFL roster each year, it can be difficult to keep the team culture coherent and consistent. Some franchises do this with repeated practice techniques and trust building exercises. The Cowboys achieve it through a commitment to evil and satanic worship. Consider yet another one of their rookies this year:

First-year Dallas Cowboys outside linebacker Chris Covington
** Bad by clan. I give no cares to others. I scowl at your slick friends.

I understand scowling at my dull friends. But at the slick ones too? Unreal.

** I dropped THREE MORE games to Dad this week to fall eight games behind him for the season in our weekly picks. I cannot figure out any of these games right now. I especially can’t figure out why the 49ers are losing so many games with Joe Montana at QB. He is still there, right?

** I double checked, and the Vikings winning on Sunday doesn’t erase the result of the NFC Championship game last year. Just saying.

** The Browns are 1-1-1 in overtime games this season, which pretty much sums up the weirdness of the NFL in 2018 so far.

Week 5 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 678.80 pts
2 — Waiting for Wentz (Paul), 638.01 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 631.16 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 619.35 pts
5 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 610.19 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 586.53 pts
7 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 581.84 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 541.12 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 523.56 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 513.45 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 511.51 pts
12 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 509.61 pts

Paul continues to change team names and continues to climb the standings. There’s a lesson to be learned here, folks. Innovation inspires the team. Maybe if the Cardinals change their name each week they’d be 5-0. Of course, Paul also started three players who each scored zero pts, so maybe it’s just dumb luck.

This is a good time to remind everyone that Yahoo predicted Paul’s team would finish 11th this year and Bob’s would finish second, and that most fantasy football projections are total garbage. Of course, sometimes they get it right, like when they predicted my squad would end up in first place.

Not only is there a Thursday game (featuring the remains of the Eagles vs. the Giants) but we also have our first London game of the year this week. So set your rosters early and often. And then reset them when late injury news comes out. And maybe again at midnight on Saturday just to be sure. Remember when football was just on Sundays?

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 4 recap

Possible explanations for the Flyers' new mascot, Gritty.

** The Flyers had a lot of leftover industrial-sized mops that became sentient.
** Claude Giroux just needs to shave badly.
** The Flyers wanted to distract you from the Eagles' very obvious secondary problems.
** The Capitals won the Stanley Cup so now none of hockey makes sense.
** The Flyers really, really, really hate children.

 

QB: Mitchell Trubisky, 55.46 pts — on the wire
WR: Cooper Kupp, 27.38 pts — started by Paul
RB: Alvin Kamara, 37.03 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jared Cook, 23.83 pts — started by Ant
K: (tie) Justin Tucker, 16.00 pts — started by Dad
K: (tie) Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Green Bay, 28.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
D: Jadeveon Clowney, 14.00 pts — started by Jeff

Four weeks into the season, and so far we’ve only started the top scoring QB once. In fact, the league this week managed to leave the top four QBs riding the pine: Jared Goff had 49.30 pts on Jim’s bench, Andrew Luck had 44.16 on Dad’s bench, and Derek Carr had 39.58 pts on Bob’s bench.

In our defense, Trubisky’s six TD outburst was near impossible to predict. Coming into Sunday, he had thrown for six TDs in his previous 10 games combined. He had seven passing TDs all last season. And the Bears’ 48-10 win over the Bucs wasn’t just the most points Chicago has scored with Trubisky under center, it’s also only the second time in 16 of his starts the team topped 28 points. So congrats if your crystal ball showed that one.


“More defenses” edition

2nd place: (tie) Cincinnati, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) New Jersey Giants, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Minnesota, -5.00 pts — started by Jeff

To be honest, there weren’t any fun offensive player disasters this week. A few backup QBs got -0.20 pts for knee downs at the end of the game, but that’s all. For the season, Bills QB Nathan Peterman is still the clear leader in awful fantasy play, with -2.94 pts in his only start (and a zero QB rating). Close behind him is former Eagles S Tre Sullivan, who was cut after an idiotic play in the season opener where he turned over a punt in a key second-half series.

Don’t worry, there will be plenty more bad players to come.

** During Saturday night’s ABC college football showcase, Allstate force their way into the day’s highlight with the “Mayhem Moment” of the day. It was a fourth and short conversion late in the 4th quarter of Clemson’s come-from-behind win over Syracuse.

I can’t think of a moment that was less mayhem. Clemson was heavily favored in the game. The fourth-down conversion came with several minutes left in the game, at midfield. The Tigers still needed to march down and get a TD to win the game. And the play itself was a simple out pattern.

“Mundane but significant moment of the day”? Sure. But there was no mayhem.

** The play-by-play crew for the Tampa Bay/Bears game, in the midst of QB Mitch Trubisky’s improbably six TD day, noted that Bucs QB Ryan Fitzpatrick was having an awful game and blurted out “It’s not Fitzmagic today, it’s Trubisky-magic!”

No. Stop it. The first nickname was bad enough but at least it kind of rhymed. What you said just made us all dumber.

** Speaking of awful nicknames, the Monday Night Football crew referred to Chiefs QB Pat Mahomes as “Showtime Mahomes” roughly 700 times during the game. I get that he has had an unbelievable start. This was also his first prime-time game of his NFL career, so “showtime” is a little premature.

Also, it’s a lousy sounding nickname. You know what would actually work here? “Magic Mahomes.” Why is this the only person you’re not calling magic? Do I have to explain alliteration to the entire NFL?

Pick which of these three is the best kicker:

Kicker #1: 10 years, 263 made FGs (40th all-time), 82% accuracy, 8 over 50 yds, two Pro Bowls, 26 playoff FGs, three Super Bowl rings.

Kicker #2: 13 years, 304 made FGs (28th all-time), 87% accuracy, 32 over 50 yds, one Pro-Bowl, 30 playoff FGs, one Super Bowl ring.

Kicker #3: 16 years, 386 made FGs (11th all-time), 81% accuracy, 27 over 50 yds, six Pro-Bowls, 39 playoff FGs, one Super Bowl appearance.

The answer is obviously kicker #3, who is David Akers, the greatest kicker in Philly and NFL history. He has better overall stats than kicker #1 — Adam Vinatieri, who played a decade for the Patriots — or kicker #2 — Adam Vinatieri, who played for the Colts after the Patriots for another decade and just set the all-time record for FGs made in a career.

But, good on Vinatieri for being the second and third best kickers of all time.


Speaking of kickers, Dallas managed to eke out a win over the Lions on Sunday thanks to a last-second FG by their new kicker, Brett Maher. Maher has big shoes to fill (literally, since Dan Bailey had size 200 feet) but is already doing his part to make the world a little worse by helping the Cowboys. In fact, the team already has a long list of nicknames using the letters in his name that show his inner colors:

** Kicker Brett Maher
Mr. Thick beer taker
Mr. Break the ticker
Mr. Teeth back irker
Mr. Hick trek beater
Mr. Tick breath reek

I can’t read the teeth one without my jaw hurting.

** I split the picks with Dad this week, and remain five behind him for the year. On the plus side, I finally got a win with Oakland. So that’s potentially momentum building.

** Speaking of Oakland, they were literally less than two minutes away from a tie with Cleveland, which would have been the Browns’ second on the year and would have spectacularly destroyed the standings. I’m going to be rooting for another Browns’ tie every week for the rest of the season.

** Baseball is apparently still happening. The Dodgers winning the NL West means Chase Utley is still playing, so I guess I still care?

Week 4 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 553.70 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 516.25 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 512.41 pts
4 — [Creative Team Name] (Paul), 501.58 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 490.76 pts
6 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 479.47 pts
7 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 474.49 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 424.32 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 419.95 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 413.11 pts
11 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 397.61 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 395.14 pts

Paul changed his team name and changed his fortunes this week, jumping from seventh to fourth behind the best pts total of the week. Jo climbed up to bronze place with a solid week, and Jim and Sam both tumbled out of the top tier. But everyone still remains a good distance back from my team, still playing inspired by last year’s Super Bowl MVP.

At the other end, Dad and Mike have some work to do. We’re getting a bubble right in the middle of the standings, so it’s best to get those scores up before you get buried at the bottom.

Play resumes Thursday night with the Patriots taking on the remains of the Colts, so be sure to watch out for those bye weeks early.