Fantasy league 2018 -- week 3 recap

** The Browns (1-1-1) on Thursday won their first game since Christmas Eve 2016 (and only their second game since mid-December 2015)

** The Lions (1-2) on Sunday had their first 100-yard rusher since Thanksgiving 2013, a span of 70 games.

** The Patriots (1-2) have a losing record after three weeks of play for the first time since September 2012. They finished 12-4 that season anyway.

** The Bills (1-2) were 17-point underdogs on Sunday but beat the Vikings (1-1-1) for the biggest gambling upset since 1995, when the Cowboys lost to the Maryland Racial Slurs.

** Eli Manning, QB of the New Jersey Giants (1-2), threw two TDs and had no turnovers in Sunday’s win over the Texans, the first time he has done that in a year and only the second time his last 22 games. It also marked the first time since 1938 (when ‘Snow White’ was released) that a Dopey dwarf has been successful in Texas.

 

QB: Matt Ryan, 50.16 pts — started by me
WR: Calvin Ridley, 32.13 pts — on the wire
RB: Adrian Peterson, 24.00 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Vance McDonald, 15.47 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Will Lutz, 15.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Buffalo, 20.00 pts — on the wire
D: Bud Dupree, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Worth noting that this list excludes Drew Brees, who threw for three TDs and rushed for another in a win over Matt Ryan’s Falcons. Ryan’s two two-point conversions give him the edge in fantasy pts, but a deficit in the standings.

And for those of you keeping score at home, the top fantasy QB on the year so far was undrafted (Ryan Fitzpatrick), the #4 and #5 wideouts on the year were undrafted (Calvin Ridley and DeSean Jackson) and the #4 RB on the year was undrafted (James Connor). So nobody knows anything about fantasy sports.


“Defenses we started” edition

2nd place: (tie) Green Bay, -1.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: (tie) LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Paul
2nd place: (tie) New Orleans, -1.00 pts — started by Ant
1st place: Atlanta, -5.00 pts — started by Joel

Not a good week for defenses: As a league we started three defenses that scored negative pts vs. only one that scored double digits (I started the 5th ranked Rams D, earning 14 pts). Only three of the top six defenses on the year are owned right now. Ant’s starting defense has zero pts through three weeks, for crying out loud.

What I’m saying is, it might be time for some panic waiver moves.

** During the third quarter of the Dallas/Seattle game (which Dallas lost, by the way), SS Jeff Heath went down with a leg injury. Fox talking head Joe Buck reacted this way:

“That’s potentially a huge injury for the Cowboys. Jeff Heath is pretty much out there the whole game, be it defense, special teams or whatever.”

What’s the “whatever,” Joe? There are only three phases to the football game: offense, defense and special teams. What does Joe Buck think there is? Offensive defense? Special offense? Pre-game motivational speaking? Confirmation hearings?

** Raiders head coach Jon Gruden (whose team is 0-3) was asked by a reporter last week why the team isn’t having more success pressuring opposing quarterbacks. His answer: “It’s hard to find a great (pass rusher). It’s hard to find a good one.”

In case you forgot, Gruden fought with DE Khalil Mack before the start of the season and traded him to the Bears. Since then, Mack has 11 tackles, 4 sacks, three forced fumbles, one interception and a touchdown in three games.

I dunno, maybe they’re not that hard to find if you just don’t act like a jerk to the guys on the team you just parachuted into.

For no reason anyone can figure out, the NFL announced Maroon 5 as their Super Bowl halftime show headliner in 2019. If league officials were obsessed with that numerical color combo for some reason, here were five options that would have been significantly better entertainment choices:

 ** Former Cardinals QB Drew Stanton — Like Maroon 5, when Stanton was wearing the Arizona maroon uniforms, he had a lot of talent but couldn’t quite put it all together. Unlike Maroon 5, his bad playing was mainly upsetting to the eyes, not the ears.

** British fireworks — Certain explosive rockets in England are known as “maroons.” They are both more colorful and less painful to listen to than Maroon 5.

** The Maroon Bells — This series of mountain peaks in Colorado is one of the most beautiful and tranquil places on Earth … pretty much the exact opposite of a soul-crushing Maroon 5 concert.

** The FOX NFL pre-game crew — Technically, they’re five morons and not Maroon 5, but they’ll probably be there anyways, so inviting them would limit the damage on the public.

** Five cans of maroon paint — Watching the paint dry would be more stimulating than a Maroon 5 halftime show.


Another rookie learning the inner workings of the evil Dallas empire this season is USC defensive lineman Antwaun Woods. Now, coming from USC, Woods already knows what it’s like to play for a self-absorbed hype factory. But does that make him Dallas material? Just look at the message in his name and decide for yourself:

** Cowboys rookie Antwaun Woods
Wow, boy. A non-stud. A sicko wooer.

FYI, this anagram was almost contained “dude woos boys” but even I have my limits. But the fact that it was so easy to find tells you about the character of these guys.

** Great news! I split the weekly picks with Dad (just barely, thanks Pittsburgh). Bad news: That means I’m still down five in the season series. It’s OK, still plenty of time to catch up once I learn to stop picking Oakland.

** My alma mater, Delaware, got crushed by Carson Wentz’s alma mater, South Dakota State, on Saturday by a score of 38-10. This makes me sad but makes him happy so he probably plays better so I’m happy too? Anyways, I’m conflicted. And the Blue Hens are 2-2.

** USC has a wideout named Amon-Ra St. Brown and frankly I just don’t know what to do with that.

Week 3 standings

1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 417.58 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 391.28pts
3 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 371.88 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 370.28 pts
5 — Philly Special (Jo), 361.21 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 346.95 pts
7 — Character Limit? WTF (Sam), 346.52 pts pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 345.79 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 319.42 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 308.56 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 308.13 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 303.46 pts

Well, well, what do we have here...

It only took me three weeks to reclaim my rightful spot atop the Awesome Cup rankings. It’s amazing what a 50-pts day from your QB will do to your overall score.

Strong showings by Ant, Jim and Jo to climb up the standings, while Sam and Joel both took big tumbles from the week before. But don’t worry. No one in the league is mathematically out of it yet, unlike the Arizona Cardinals, who were eliminated from post-season contention with their third consecutive awful loss on Sunday.

Week 4 starts with the Vikings and Rams on Fox on Thursday night, which is far too good of a contest for a non Sunday match-up. I’ll have to look into where to complain about that.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 2 recap

** Sunday’s Packers/Vikings tie game was the second non-win, non-loss of the year so far, tying (get it?) the record for the most ties in an NFL season since 1974 (when the league adopted the sudden-death format). The league now has a mere 224 games left in the season to break that record, and both of the ties involved teams who will play each other again this season.

** In the last 44 years, there have only been 24 ties across almost 10,000 games. But amazingly, this season is the fourth time over that span ties have happened in consecutive weeks. It’s also the third time in that span that the Packers and Vikings have played to a tie. And remember, the Packers and Vikings still play another time this year.

** Having two ties early in the season with three teams expected to be in the playoff race (the Steelers, Packers and Vikings) means that figuring out playoff scenarios will be screwed up All. Season. Long. Think the playoff tiebreakers are confusing now? How does common opponents work when a tie gets in there? What happens if one of these teams picks up a second tie? What if the Packers and Vikings tie again?

** Right now, a Packers bow tie costs $19.99 on NFL shop. A Vikings traditional straight tie costs $24.99. The actual game tie could cost one of these teams a playoff spot.

** The Sunday after Thanksgiving is also known as National Tie One On day, where individuals are encouraged to give back to their community after the gluttony of the holiday. This year, that falls on Nov. 25 … the same day as the Packers/Vikings rematch. National Tie day producing a record breaking tie? Sounds likely to me.

QB: Pat Mahomes, 50.84 pts — on Ant’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 27.13 pts — started by Joel
RB: Todd Gurley, 29.77 pts — started by Bob
TE: Travis Kelce, 22.77 pts — started by Jo
K: Mason Crosby, 19.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: LA Rams, 18.00 pts — started by me
D: Kevin Byard, 12.14 pts — on the wire

The most amazing thing on here isn’t that Mahomes tossed six TDs in his second start. It’s that WR AJ Green, who caught three TDs on his first three receptions of the Thursday night game, wasn’t the top wideout of the week. His line (5 catches, 69 yds, 3TDs) fell short of the ridiculous one that Diggs produced (9 catches, 128 yds, 2 TDs). And Digg’s teammate, Adam Thielen, had another 12 catches for 131 yds and a TD in that game. Nice work by Kirk Cousins, I guess.

Also Mahomes tossing six TDs in his second start is pretty amazing.


“Mom’s defenses” edition

3rd place: Carolina, -1.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
2nd place: Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by Mom D
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts — on the wire

Some weeks you’re lucky, and some weeks your backup defense gives up almost as many points as your starting defense (34 for the Ravens, 31 for the Panthers).

By the way, if you bet that Leonard Fournette (41 yds) and Devonta Freeman (36 yds) and LeSean McCoy (61 yds) would have fewer combined rushing yds than undrafted, third-string Broncos RB Phillip Lindsay (152 yds) through two weeks, then you’d have a lot of cash … and be burned at the stake for being a witch.

** Headline in Saturday’s Washington Post: “Expect Maryland to go with what works today vs. Temple.”

Bold strategy there. “Don’t try to fail.” Surprisingly, though, the plan didn’t work, as the Owls annihilated Maryland 35-14.

** As the Giants trailed the Cowboys 20-3 late in the fourth quarter of Sunday night’s game, NBC talking doll Cris Collinsworth let loose this gem: “If you’re looking for good news, it’s that the Giants offensive line isn’t being beaten physically. It’s that they are getting beaten by the schemes, and they just haven’t played together enough.”
As, so it’s not that the players aren’t strong, it’s just that they’re not good and not coached well. That is good news … for the rest of the NFC East.

** After Sunday’s win over the Eagles, NFL.com asked the question of whether or not the Buccaneers and QB Ryan Fitzpatrick are a legit contender with a story titled “Do you believe in FitzMagic?” Later in the day, it was announced the Tampa franchise owner has applied for a trademark for the phrase.

Ratings for the NFL immediately dropped 97 percent, as they should.

** Chiefs QB Pat Mahomes is on pace for 80 TDs this season (10 through two games), which would destroy Peyton Manning’s current record of 55 set in 2013.

** Buccaneers WR DeSean Jackson is on pace for 2,200 receiving yds this season (275 yds through two games), which would destroy Calvin Johnson’s current record of 1,964 yds set in 2012.

** 49ers RB Matt Bredia is leading the league in rushing and is on pace for 1,472 yds this season (184 yds through two games). That’s on pace to be the second lowest total for a league leader since 1990, when Barry Sanders only managed 1,304 yds but grabbed the rushing title. The only other time no one passed 1,400 yds in the last 27 years? It was 2017, when Kareem Hunt led the league with 1,327.

** The Arizona Cardinals are on pace to score 48 pts this season (6 pts through two games) which would threaten the league’s all-time record of 37 pts by the 1934 Cincinnati Reds (who became the St. Louis Gunners midway through the season). But that team only played 11 games that year, which would work out to 53 pts in a 16-game schedule.

** The Giants are on pace to win zero games this year (0-2 through two games), which would tie the record set by the Cleveland Browns last year. QB Eli Manning is on pace for 320 pouty Eli faces this year (40 through two games), which would tie the record he has set every single year his dumb face has been in the league.

Another new addition to the Cowboys team this offseason was Texas native, University of Texas dropout, and longtime Cowboys fan Connor Williams. Questions about mental fragility have long surrounded anyone who plays for or roots for the most despicable team in all of football, but Collins stands out even in that crowd. Consider what his name clearly spells out:

** Dallas rookie offensive lineman Connor Williams
Insane, evil, ill man was off meds. No loonier airlock.

Of course, if that really surprises you, I have some bad news…

** Dallas offensive lineman Zack Martin
Insane animal. Caveman led folks’ fritz.

** Dallas offensive lineman La'el Collins
Insane fool. Villain smells of dance ale.

Hell, their starting center is named “Joe Looney.” It’s a whole collection of mental patients out there.

** We could talk about how I’m already five games down to Dad in our weekly picks here, but that’s not really the important news. The big headline is that Dad and I both got losses in that Packers/Vikings game, because a tie means neither of us picked the right team to win. I feel like this has happened to us once before (in the 20 years we have been making picks) and it left us both cranky.

For the record, Dad also predicted a tie one time, but he was wrong, and got a loss in that game.

** Worth noting, in case you missed it. The Eagles lost 27-21 in their second game of the season this year. The Eagles lost 27-20 in the second game of the season last year. And last year turned out OK. So...

** Of course the Patriots traded only a fifth-round pick for talented but troubled WR Josh Gordon. They traded only a fourth-round pick for talented but troubled WR Randy Moss back in 2007, and he promptly became a Pro Bowler again. Get ready for this to work out great for New England and Boston fans to still complain that it didn’t happen two weeks sooner.

Week 2 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 274.82 pts
2 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 274.48 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 270.63 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 259.41 pts
5 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 258.42 pts
6 — Philly Special (Joanna), 227.81 pts
7 — Character Limit? WTF (Paul), 224.15 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Joel), 223.63 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 209.97 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 209.87 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 207.42 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 179.51 pts

Less than half a point separates me from my rightful place atop the standings, but good work by Sam keeping that seat warm for me for another week.

For the record, the gap between first and last place in week 2 of 2017 was 102 pts, so things are actually closer than last year. Mike and his squad can take comfort in that.

Remember to set your rosters for this week’s exciting Browns/Jets contest on Thursday night, a game so captivating it’ll only air on NFL network. And even those folks will be watching replays of last year’s Super Bowl instead of paying attention.

Fantasy league 2018 -- week 1 recap

Let’s step into the mind of Atlanta coach Dan Quinn for a moment: Your 2017 season ended in Philadelphia in a playoff game where you held the Eagles to 15 pts but could not convert four goal-to-go downs inside the game’s final minute. You had almost nine full months to think about that before your rematch with the Super Bowl champs in the opening Thursday game.

Now that you’re in the game, your team takes the opening possession down inside the 10-yard-line and gets 1st and goal. And three plays later, you’re faced with the exact same dilemma. So you throw all caution to the wind, skip the FG attempt and go for the TD on 4th down. And you get stopped. Again.

Then, down six with a minute left in the game, you’re back at 1st and goal again. And then you miss a TD on that down. And 2nd and goal. And 3rd and goal. And 4th and goal, but a penalty gives you one last play. And as you fail to convert on 5th and goal, you look up and realize that if you had just kicked a FG in the beginning of the game, you could have tied the score on this play with a simple FG.

I guess my question is this: How many times do you think Dan Quinn walks into his kitchen, looks at the stove and thinks “I bet that’s not hot like last time” as he touches the burner?

Credit to Super Bowl champion coach Doug Pederson for, you know, watching the game in front of him and making enough adjustments to win that game. I’m not sure if he’s a genius or if everyone else is amazingly dumb.

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 50.28 pts — on the wire
WR: Tyreek Hill, 35.07 pts — started by Sam
RB: Alvin Kamara, 34.87 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jared Cook, 16.50 pts — on Ant’s bench
K: Greg Zuerlein, 17.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: NY Jets, 27.00 pts — on the wire
D: T.J. Watt, 16.00 pts — started by Jim

First, some bookkeeping here. Koy Detmer has graced our Top Performers banner since 2009, bringing credibility and gravitas to the section each week. And while he will always have a spot there, we cannot ignore the contributions this year of greatest backup QB in Eagles history, and the only man to ever throw a TD and receive a TD in the Super Bowl. So Nick Foles joins our own Mt. Rushmore of greatness up there from now until the end of time.

Second, dear gawd. Kamara and Hill were top 20 picks, so they weren’t a big surprise. But journeyman Ryan Fitzpatrick (who was not among the 24 QBs drafted by our teams) posting a stat line of 417 yds passing, 36 yds rushing and 5 total TDs was … unexpected. For comparison’s sake, Fitzpatrick collected 88 fantasy pts in all of 2017. But, yeah, drafting a QB early in fantasy is a good strategy.

Also, I’m pretty sure the Jets having the league’s top defense, even through a single week, is a sign of the apocalypse.

Also, having three of the top performers all play on Monday night makes too much extra work for my recap.


“Starting off strong” edition

3rd place: Nathan Peterman, -2.94 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Chargers, -5.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place:New Orleans, -6.00 pts — started by Ant

Don’t worry, Tony Romo crying still stays atop the worst performers section.

The Saints come out the gate with the worst possible score for a defense, allowing 48 pts and recording no turnovers, sacks, or positive vibes of any sort. The Chargers at least got one sack along with their four quarters of suckitude.

And congrats to Buffalo starting QB Nathan Peterman, who recorded a QB rating of 0.00 in his one half of work in the Bills worst opening-day loss ever. He went 5-18 for 24 yards with two interceptions. As always, for comparison, your QB rating on Sunday after you dropped the remote (0-1 for 0 yds, no TDs or INTs) was 39.6. It was the 68th time in league history a QB achieved that dubious honor. But that list includes Peyton Manning, Archie Manning, and Eli Manning, so he’s in good company.

** I’m a little late on this one, but did you know there’s NFL Red Zone channel coverage in the pre-season? During the regular season, the Red Zone channel is great, switching between games to show every score and big play. During the pre-season it’s … utterly pointless, really. Watch the fourth-string QB toss a TD to the 5th-string TE before both get cut the next day.
I’m not saying I didn’t watch it. I’m just saying it’s fairly dumb.

** CBS commentator Trent Green said at the start of Browns-Steelers game that the day before, Pittsburgh RB James Connor said “he likes to run up the middle, between the tackles. And interestingly, that’s how they opened this game, with a run up the middle.”
Trent, that’s not interesting. Interesting would have been Connor opening the game throwing a pass, or spontaneously combusting. What you’re describing is “basic game planning” and “obvious use of available personnel.” Try to bring something better next week.

** Congrats to the Sporting News, which predicted a Saints win over the Chargers in Super Bowl 53. There’s still a lot of games to play, but both teams lost in embarrassing upsets in week 1, so couldn’t start any hotter.

** Browns coach Hue Jackson finally ended his team’s 17-game losing streak … with a tie against the Steelers that featured a Browns’ turnover at the end of regulation in FG range and a blocked FG at the end of overtime that could have won the game. But hey, a career record of 1-31-1 is an improvement, right?

** After throwing his third INT of the game (that one returned for a TD), Lions QB Matt Stafford suffered a knee injury on 2nd and 10 in his own red zone. After he left the game, the Lions punted two plays later, and saw it returned 78 yds for a TD. Despite his pain, Stafford returned to the game on the next series … and threw his fourth INT of the game.

** Seven teams opted to switch head coaches after last season. Those seven teams went … 0-7 on Sunday, in a unanimous display of futility.

** The Titans and Dolphins played the longest game in NFL history on Sunday (thanks to two lightning delays, it took 7 hours and 8 minutes) and the teams rewarded the fans with … three quarters of football with 13 combined points. It wasn’t until the teams passed 5:30 p.m that the squads started scoring, and even then, 14 of the 34 points totaled in the fourth quarter came on kick returns that took less than 13 seconds each.

Another year has begun, and another new crop of Dallas rookies have experienced what it means to be a Cowboy: losing while sacrificing your soul on the altar of evil. And the first one in that line for the 2018 season was Dallas’ top draft pick, LB Leighton Vander Esch. So let’s learn a little more about what kind of person he is:

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes a balding, retrench coven.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves a blackening cretin herd.

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes blanching a reverted con.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves breaching a neck tendril.

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes a concerning veld breath.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves a cerebral denting. Chink!

Sounds like a Cowboy to me.

** Dad opened the 2018 picks campaign by stealing two right off the bat from me. Why I had faith in the Cardinals and the Chargers, I cannot explain. I may not pick a team starting with C for the rest of the year now.

** The Eagles worked out former first round pick QB Paxton Lynch this week because … someone’s scrabble board fell onto the scouting chart? I don’t know, you have a better explanation?

** The Eagles travel to Tampa this week to face the aforementioned, unstoppable Ryan Fitzpatrick. If the birds can beat the Bucs, they’ll have the inside edge to the NFC South title, with two wins in the division already.

Week 1 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 138.51 pts
2 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 136.16 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 127.24 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 125.47 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 125.14 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 123.16 pts
7 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 122.64 pts
8 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 110.94 pts
9 — Character Limit? WTF (Paul), 101.47 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 98.94 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 91.61 pts
12 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 91.34 pts

Solid scores and solid name changes on that list (took you long enough). Sam lands the top spot after week one thanks to Tyreek Hill’s ridiculous game (and no thanks to QB Matt Stafford and WR Marquise Goodwin). Joel comes in second despite a terrible, terrible game from QB Marcus Mariota, and Jeff ends up in bronze position with his patented “never gonna start two active defensive players” strategy.

The good news for everyone else? All these scores are pretty even for a change — I can’t remember the last time the first and last place team on a week were less than 50 pts apart.

Does that mean that Bob still has a chance to win? No, of course not. But it’s still early enough to dream. Don’t forget to set those lineups for the Thursday game and hit the waiver wire to plug those holes.

Fantasy league 2018 -- preseason rankings

The draft is over, the teams are ready, and your future is already decided. Here’s how the fantasy league is going to play out this year:

Team: Last Exit to Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 1934.24 pts
Real finish: 12th, 1645.72 pts
Yahoo may love Bob’s team, but he’s gotta prove that he can climb out of the cellar before I’m gonna rank him any higher. He’s running out there with Todd Gurley, the top RB from last year (posed for a big drop off this season), as well as fantasy stalwarts QB Russell Wilson and RB LeSean McCoy (both poised for big drop offs) and six players already listed as questionable or inactive. On the plus side, there’s a lot of Philly on here, including the Defense and top two WRs (Jeffery and Agholor).

Team: Kiss a fish today (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1814.89 pts
Real finish: 11th, 1701.01 pts
Oh boy. Dad’s gonna have an uphill climb with this one. His top three RBs are interesting (Kenyan Drake, Jordan Howard and Ronald Jones) but his WR corps doesn’t feature a single #1 target and his TE (The Eagles’ Dallas Goedert, who we will refer to as Philly Goedert from now on) is also a backup. His QB combo of Andrew Luck and Jimmy Garoppolo could be the best in the league, but he can only start one at a time. Better hope that Jacksonville D is good again.

Team: Cosby’s Sleepers (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1851.64 pts
Real finish: 10th, 1740.17 pts
Want a team to hate? Mike’s got one for you! Meet QBs Tom Brady and Dak Prescott. Say hello to Mr. Reliable-but-Boring TE Kyle Rudolph. Welcome back perennial disappointment RB Isaiah Crowell. And there’s just something about WR Marvin Jones Jr. that I just don’t trust. On the plus side, K Matt Prater is … old? So it’s nice that he still has a job.

Team: Witch Hunting (Jim)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 1749.69 pts
Real finish: 9th, 1749.68 pts
Jim gets the best team name of the year but just a so-so roster to pair with it. QB Aaron Rodgers will be awesome until he inevitably gets hurt again. TE Zack Ertz is gold. But RBs Alex Collins and Bilal Powell as your top two rushers? Two more TEs thanks to Yahoo’s screwy rankings? And a Pittsburgh safety as a defensive starter is never a good idea. Best to stay away from those unreliable Steelers entirely.

Team: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 1862.84 pts
Real finish: 8th, 1873.81 pts
Eh? I may draft this exact team in my work league tomorrow, and yet there’s something that feels off. RB LeVeon Bell is always good (holdout right now), TE Rob Gronkowski is a game-changer (when he isn’t injured), QB Cam Newton racks up points (except for the years where he disappears for weeks). And the Minnesota defense is great unless they’re playing the Eagles in the NFC championship game, in which case they’re hot garbage.

Team: For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 1912.33 pts
Real finish: 7th, 1918.17 pts
Ant’s decision not to set his draft order earlier nets him Giants all-pro loudmouth Odell Beckham, so he’ll have to live with himself for that all year. But RB Melvin Gordon and WR Adam Thielen should help ease his woes. He also drafted a WR named Juju and a CB named Adoree, which I assume are some sort of Yahoo typos. But the rest of his team includes a Walker (TE Delanie), a Miller (RB Lamar), a Fuller (WR Will), a Cook (TE Jared) and a Moore (WR D.J.), so the team roster call won’t be too taxing.

Team: We Love the Mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 1866.61 pts
Real finish: 6th, 1944.99 pts
A lot of oooooold folks on this team. WR Jordy Nelson, K Matt Bryant, and WR Julian Edelman are all deep in their career. QB Drew Brees is approaching 40. WR Larry Fitzgerald turned 45 this offseason. TE Greg Olsen has the body of a 60-year-old now. RB Nick Chubb is a rookie but has the name of a 1930s gangster. But Mom’s top three of RB Kareem Hunt, WR Julio Jones and WR Doug Baldwin are about as good as they come. It’ll be interesting to watch this one unfold.

Team: Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1814.71 pts
Real finish: 5th, 1979.11 pts
I feel like I always predict Sam will finish lower than he eventually does, so this year I’m picking him much higher than his team deserves. RB Ezekiel Elliott should be a solid points producer until his next suspension, WRs Keenan Allen and Tyreek Hill usually feel like they’re going to be good, TE Jordan Reed and RB Jay Ajayi may or may not be dead. If they are alive, that’ll be great news for Sam’s squad. WR Golden Tate is also here, and someday I will believe that name is for real.

Team: The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 1853.80 pts
Real finish: 4th, 2002.77 pts
Joel gets an automatic 100-pts deduction for not drafting Garoppolo on his team — that’s just false advertising. But, he still fields an impressive alphabetical squad of the Atlanta Defense, RB S Barkley, QB K Cousins, WR S Diggs, S N Ebner, and K G Zuerlein (I may have skipped a few letters in there). On the minus side, there’s not way he’ll be able to pronounce the names of TE David Njoku and S Chris Prosinski after a few drinks.

Team: Nick “‘MVP” Foles (me)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 1950.05 pts
Real finish: 3rd, 2033.34 pts
I felt a lot better about this team before Yahoo picked it to win the league, since those idiots have no idea what they are doing. But I do have the deepest WR class of any squad (AJ Green, TY Hilton, D Thomas, Allen Robinson and AND Randall Cobb) plus the 2016 fantasy MVP RB David Johnson. And let’s not forget that if QB Matt Ryan goes down, I have the best backup in the game: TE Trey Burton, the passer on the Philly Special. Gotta love that.

Team: Philly Special (Joanner)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 1855.65 pts
Real finish: 2nd, 2112.09 pts
The Yahoo fantasy gods did everything they could to screw over Joanna, drafting four TEs for her team (which would be great for our “all TEs” league next year, but not so much here.) And yet his team still looks solid. RB Alvin Kamara and QB Deshaun Watson together may break the network highlight reels (we’re still using film reels, right?). TEs Travis Kelce and Jimmy Graham may be a viable double TE starting set. K Jake Elliot? Hello 50-yard FGs and XP misses. And the New England defense should be better set up this season, given the … sorry, they somehow just gave up another passing TD to Nick Foles.

Team: Character Limit? WTF (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 11th, 1804.58 pts
Real finish: 1st, 2112.11 pts
All the greats know winning is about two things: talent and attitude. Does Paul’s squad have talent? Of course: WRs Antonio Brown and Chris Hogan, five viable RBs (C McCaffery, J Mixon, C Hyde, Duke Johnson, M Breida) and sleepers at TE (George Kittle) and DEF (Chargers). But is that what is going to drive this team to the top? No, it’s the leadership factor. Paul grabbed all-world QB Carson Wentz to shepherd his team this season, and even though he won’t record any fantasy points in week one, you can already feel the winning attitude taking over his group. It’s inspiring. It’s magical. It’s the stuff that wins fantasy championships.

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Speaking of championships, the Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles open the 2018 season this Thursday evening. Don’t forget to clean up your rosters before then, and get your players ready for the grueling grind ahead.

Remember: Even though we all can enjoy the season ahead, only one of you will walk away with the Awesome Cup at the end of the year (And by “one of you,” I obviously mean me.) Good luck out there.

Here's one more reminder of what you are playing for: