Fantasy league 2017 -- week 3 recap

A brief history of long field goals -- Here are the lengthiest last-minute three-pointers over the last 100 years:

** Nov. 8, 1970: Tom Dempsey, 63 yards
The gold standard. This kick not only won the game for the New Orleans Saints, it also set the mark as the longest FG in NFL history for 43 years.

** Oct. 22, 2006: Matt Bryant, 62 yards
Eagles QB Donovan McNabb threw five TD passes that day against the Bucs, but two of them went to Tampa Bay cornerbacks. With 33 seconds left and down by one, the Bucs drove into FG territory (sorta) to steal the game.

** Dec. 3, 2006: Rob Bironas, 60 yards
Six weeks after Bryant kicked the second 60-plus FG to win a game in NFL history, Bironas kicked the third. The play gave Vince Young a victory over Peyton Manning, which is a disturbing phrase to type out.

** Dec. 16, 2013: Justin Tucker, 61 yards
Tucker’s long boot with 43 seconds left was his sixth of the day, giving the Ravens an 18-16 win over the Lions. Presumably, he was given the game ball.

** Sept. 24, 2017: Jake Elliott, 61 yards
Elliott missed a 52-yarder earlier in the game and a 30-yarder the previous week, in his first NFL game. So naturally his attempt from 61 yards sailed just barely through the uprights, breaking a tie with the Giants.

That’s it, kids. Only five late 60-plus-yards field goals to win a game in football’s thousands of games, and the Eagles were involved in two of them. At least they’re 1-1 in those contests now.

FYI, apparently that FG cost Carson Wentz more than $30,000…

QB:Tom Brady, 45.72 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Stefon Diggs, 27.53 pts — started by Joanner
RB: Todd Gurley, 34.20 pts — started by Mike
TE: Marcedes Lewis, 24.13 pts — on the wire
K: (tie) Stephen Hauschka, 19.00 pts — started by Jeff
K: (tie) Matt Prater, 19.00 pts — started by Jim
DEF: New York Jets, 17.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jadeveon Clowney, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Second week in a row that cheating Tom tops the top performers list, so, yeah, those drugs are working well.

The top five defenses this week were all on the waiver wire, but none were more shocking than the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. For the season, they’re worth 16 points, meaning they cam into this week worth -1.00 pts in the first two games. Their ascendance this week moved them all the way up to 25th place in the yearly standings, leaving the last place spot to … the New England Patriots, who have surrendered 89 pts and produced just three turnovers in their first three games. But, hey, Brady.


“Bad passers” edition

3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Eli Rogers, -1.70 pts — on the wire
1st place: Joe Flacco, -2.88 pts — on Dad’s bench

Oh no, Joe. In the biggest upset of the week, the Ravens tanked in their London game against the Jaguars in large part thanks to an awful, awful show from the Flacco. He completed 8 of 18 passes for 28 yards, no TDs and two interceptions, a QB rating of 12.0. That’s less than a third of the 36.6 QB rating you recorded by dropping the remote off your couch on Sunday (1 attempt, no yds, TDs or INTs). Any time you’re upstaged by Blake Bortles in a game, you know you done wrong.


** I never thought I’d be writing that the president of the United States had the stupidest sports comment of a week, but here we are. I guess this is what happens when there’s nothing else major going on with the country.

** Up 37-0 in the third quarter of the London crapfest game on Sunday, the Jaguars faced sent out their punt team on a 4th and one at their own 35 yard line … then called a fake which went for 58 yards. The series ended in another TD, giving them a 44-0 lead.
Great, judicious use of the trick play there, guys. Without it, you never would have covered that 40-point spread. I just hope you can still surprise folks with the fake when you’re in a real game situation.

** The sports headline on CNN.com Sunday night read: “Eagles' 61-yard buzzer-beating TD stuns 0-3 Giants.” Which, granted, is close, but those two letters make a heck of a difference to fantasy football players.

The New England Patriots management was forced to apologize (half-heartedly and insincerely, as is their specialty) on Sunday after vendors at the game ran out of bottles of water and started charging $4.50 for plastic cups of tap water. While the move seems cruel and abusive to fans, it’s hardly the only price gouging teams are subjecting their loyal customers to. Consider:

** The San Francisco 49ers charge fans $10 for dirty water … also known as Bud Light.
** The Tennessee Titans make their fans pay upwards of $80 for jerseys with pictures of flaming thumbtacks on them.
** The Carolina Panthers are refusing to sell concussions to their fans, even though their offensive line is handing them to QB Cam Newton for free.
** The New York Giants are selling leftover eclipse glasses for $7 a pop for fans who can no longer stomach the sight of QB Eli Manning.
** The Cleveland Browns are charging more than $100 for some seats to their games.


What do the Cowboys players do when they aren’t playing football? They’re in jail, of course. No, I don’t mean they all end up convicted criminals (although all of them are guilty of crimes against humanity. But they all love to hang around prisons and work there, because they share the same values as those crooked individuals. Don’t believe me? Look at what the names of all these young Dallas players clearly spell out:

Jourdan Lewis
-- We do run jails.

Jameill Showers
-- Helms worse jail.

Blake Jarwin
-- New jail bark.

Jaylon Smith
-- No myth. Jails.

In fact, Cowboys Stadium is a lot like a prison, in that it contains a few good people watching in disgust as some of the worst segments of society are gathered together in a single place. Maybe Jerry Jones can get a Department of Justice grant for improvements there.

** Another week, another 2-1 finish against Dad in our weekly picks. That puts me up a FG after three weeks, and on pace to finish the season 17-0 against him. After three weeks, I’m at 26-21, which isn’t great. But it’s a long season, with plenty of time for course correction.

** The Phillies have to win one of their last five games to avoid 100 losses. Sports Illustrated actually rated them the 28th best team out of 30 this week, so, progress maybe?

** Best reaction to the NFL protests this week? After the Cowboys took a knee as a team, comedian Michael Ian Black hit it on the head: “Jerry Jones taking a knee. Please Lord, don't make me like Jerry Jones even for a second.”

Week 3 standings

1 — Gronky Tonk Man (Joel) — 373.71 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant) — 369.20 pts
3 — Animal Crackers (Mom D) — 333.26 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) — 326.55 pts
5 — Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome) — 323.96 pts
6 — ThePigskin Predators (Dad) — 307.08 pts
7 — Foles v. Sproles (Jo) — 305.81 pts
8 — Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) — 295.89 pts
9 — Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam) — 295.73 pts
10 — Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim) — 291.48 pts
11 — SmartyPants on Fire (Paul) — 269.11 pts
12 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob) — 235.87 pts

Mom D continues her slow move up the standings, jumping two spots for the second week in a row and moving into podium-stand position. And I’m headed in the opposite direction, dropping two spots for the second week in a row. On the plus side, I’m still ahead of Dad.

Remember there’s another Sunday morning England game this week, and another Thursday game, and another DC Racial Slurs prime time game. Because the NFL hates you.

Fantasy league 2017 -- week 2 recap

Sometimes football teams are unlucky, and sometimes it seems like the football gods are going out of their way to punish certain fans:

** The Bengals opened with two home games this year and failed to score a TD in either one. It’s the first time in 78 years that a team has gone end-zone-less after back-to-back home openers, and the first time in 68 years that a team hasn’t managed to crack double-digit points back-to-back home games to start the season (they lost 20-0 and 13-9 so far). Next week the play the Packers in Wisconsin, where maybe they have a chance of getting over the goal line.

** The San Angeles Chargers (or is it Los Diego?) lost 19-17 on Sunday when their kicker missed a 44-yard FG attempt in the final seconds of the game. It’s the second week in a row they missed a last-minute kick that would have at least tied the score. But worse than that, it’s the team’s seventh straight defeat in games decided by seven or fewer points. In fact, 27 of the Chargers last 34 games have been decided by eight points or less, and they’re 7-20 in those contests.

** The Miami won that game against the Chargers, in a contest that was their 2017 opener because their game last weekend was washed out by Hurricane Irma. So instead of starting the season in Florida in week one, their first home game won’t take place until week 4 against the Saints … in London. Last year the NFL picked the Dolphins to be their victim … um … lucky recipient of an overseas game this year. So thanks to those odd circumstances, apathetic English soccer lovers will get to see the revamped Miami offense before anyone in Florida does.

** After their loss this week, the Cleveland Browns are 4-30 since the start of 2015 and 38-108 since the start of 2008. Since 1990, they’ve had three winning seasons. That’s … just awful.

QB: Tom Brady, 36.78 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Michael Crabtree, 26.33 pts — started by Ant
RB: CJ Anderson, 27.70 pts — on Jim’s bench
TE: Jason Witten, 17.47 pts — on Mom D’s bench
K: Chris Boswell, 16.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: Tampa Bay, 21.00 pts — on the wire
D: Chris Jones, 14.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t week for Mom’s squad. Instead of starting the top TE, she started the #3 TE (Rob Gronkowski, 16.73 pts). But go ahead and weep for Jim, who lost 25 pts starting RB Adrian Peterson over Anderson.

Also, Crabtree’s fantasy total seems low for someone who caught three TDs this week. But, two of them were catches for under two yards. Oakland must really hate their RBs.


“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Orleans, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: NY Jets, -6.00 pts — on the wire

It only took two weeks, but we already had one defense bottom out. The New Jersey Jets surrendered 45 pts on Sunday and recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and no signs of life. But they’re not the worst defense on the year yet. That honor goes to the Saints, who followed up last week’s zero-pts defensive performance with a -4 this week. Both teams are on pace to give up more than 500 pts this season. Should be a fun race to see who is worse.


** I listened into enemy territory this weekend and caught the Cowboys radio broadcast of their overwhelming defeat at the hands of the Broncos. In the second quarter, a Dallas d-lineman sacked Broncos QB Trevor Siemian, forced a fumble, ran with it, then fumbled as he was tackled. Another Dallas player grabbed the ball and ran it in for a touchdown, but the replays showed that the D-lineman was down before he fumbled.

As the refs sorted out the whole thing, Cowboys color commentator Babe Laufenberg gasped in exasperation:

“Wow,” he said. “A lot happened there. I don’t know if I can explain that to our listeners.”

OK, then you’re fired. That’s the definition of your job. It was a complicated play, but you get paid a lot of money to lay out those details concisely for those of us who weren’t there. Hell, I wasn’t there, and I did it in less than 50 words. For free.

In his defense, Laufenberg has only been part of the broadcast crew for 21 years, so he’s still pretty new on this radio stuff.

** There’s a new CBS Sports Channel show titled “We Have to Talk” which I think is supposed to be a playful invite but reads more accurately as an psychoanalysis of the state of TV sports journalism today. As is, ohmigawd, we can’t stop talking even when there is nothing new to say, please help us.

** 7-Eleven has a new promotion in select cities where they have pictures of NFL stars on their drink cups. Their tag line: “Grab a Big Gulp and throw a Hail Mary to your taste buds!”

Just so we’re clear, that translates to “If you are thirsty, drink this and maybe there is a one in a million chance it will taste good.”

 ** Hey, did anybody else notice that the Eagles had a touchdown that took a looooong review by the refs to uphold in each of the first two games? In game one it was the controversial fumble, in game two it was an obvious TD by WR Alshon Jeffery that was initially called down at the one-yard line. Any reason the Eagles are getting extra-special time with the refs already?

** Hey, did anybody else notice that weird weather delay in Denver this weekend that happened just after the Cowboys fell behind on the scoreboard? And that after the hour delay, Dallas got a key turnover pretty quickly and tied up the game? It didn’t matter in the end, but that sure seemed like a strange way to handle things…

** Hey, did you notice how great Tom Brady looked this week? And just 10 days after he looked old and slow in the opener. Quite a turnaround in a short timeframe. Hey, did you also know that there are several strength-building steroids that take less than two weeks to produce results? Why did I bring it up here? No reason.

** Hey, remember how earlier this week Odell Beckham said he might be out for two more months? And then he played on Monday night. That’s another really quick health turnaround. He must have some great doctors on that team. I mean really great, creative, well-connected doctors.

** Hey, remember how Jason Witten retired five years ago and died two years ago from old age? And yet he’s still playing today. And healthy as Brady or Beckham. Boy, these guys have great genes.

A new season means a new crop of damned souls to the Cowboys team, and where better to start with our weekly anagrams then their first round draft pick. When the Dallas front office selected DE Taco Charlton with their top pick, they could see the evil barely hidden inside his … wait, hold up a second.

Taco? Like, really? That’s the freshest option for playing around in crazy phrases and names? The dude named after a 99-cent fast food?

Alright, if that’s how it’s gonna be, let’s do this.

Defensive end Taco Charlton
** Evil decadence, thorn to fans
** I have no friends, decent coat
** Confederate devil chants, son
** Draftee cad vents loon niche
** Hated con: I can end leftovers

I gotta be honest, I don’t think any of those anagrams made his name weirder.

** The Phillies only needs to go 4-8 in their last 12 games to avoid 100 losses on the season. Amazingly, they’re only six games under .500 at home. Not amazingly, they’re 25 games under .500 on the road.

** Delaware football is 2-1. Just saying.

** There’s an outside chance that eight teams could end up tied for the last AL wild card spot in baseball this season. Just saying.

** I went 2-1 against Dad again this week, putting me up two games after two weeks. But he gets props for picking the Cowboys over the Broncos in a game I thought would be close. In fairness, he only picked Denver because he thinks John Elway may still be playing.

Week 2 standings

1 — Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 259.90 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 238.50 pts
3 — Foles me Wentz, (Capt Awesome), 228.01 pts
4 — Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 199.51 pts
5 — Animal Crackers (Mom D), 197.76 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 197.55 pts
7 — Foles v. Sproles (Jo), 195.04 pts
8 — ThePigskin Predators (Dad), 194.18 pts
9 — No Hands! (Paul), 179.82 pts
10 — Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam), 177.59 pts
11 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 165.48 pts
12 — Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 157.21 pts

Like I say all the time, a fast start in week 1 guarantees you nothing over the course of a cruel, cruel fantasy season. Another good week for our reigning Awesome Cup champion moves him back into first place, and a particularly bad week for me moves me back down into bronze medal position.

The difference between fourth and eighth place is less than six points, and the distance between 10th and fourth place is just one big Tom Brady game. And then there is Jim’s team.

The NFL follows up its exciting Bengals/Texans tilt last Thursday with a Rams/Niners game this Thursday, because the NFL hates you. And there’s an early Ravens/Jaguars game in London on Sunday, because, again, the NFL hates you. Don’t forget to set your rosters.

Fantasy league 2017 -- week 1 recap

The shocker of the opening weekend of football happened before the weekend even started: Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, a team several pundits predicted could go 16-0 this year, got waxed by the Kansas City Chiefs on Thursday night (despite Andy Reid still screwing up his timeouts in the two-minute drill, dammit already Andy). Many so-called experts were surprised to see Brady so out of sync with the rest of the offense, but signs were there that age may be catching up with the long-time signal caller. Consider:

** After pregame complaints about the weight, Brady swapped out his normally under-inflated footballs with helium filled ones.
** Brady kept turning up his hearing aid when listening into the opposing defense’s audio feed to steal plays.
** The confused QB kept asking where inured WR Julian Edelman was, and the coaching staff confirmed they weren’t covering up a concussion this time.
** Brady was seen on the sidelines chewing multivitamins and pep pills instead of his normal batch of steroids.
** He had his 40th birthday last month. That probably should have tipped some sportswriters off that he’s getting old.

For what it’s worth, Brady is dead last among QBs in completion percentage at this point in the season, and the Patriots are in last place. Hopefully that can hold up past the next five days.

QB: Alex Smith, 39.02 pts — on Bob’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 21.10 pts — started by Ant
RB: Kareem Hunt, 39.83 pts — started by Joel
TE: Jesse James, 17.73 pts — on the wire
K: Giorgio Tavecchio, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: LA Rams, 34.00 pts — on the wire
D: Dante Fowler, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Strong start from the 22nd drafted QB in our league, who threw more TDs (4) this week than Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, Tom Brady, Russell Wilson and Eli Manning combined. Now, I’m not predicting that Smith will amount to a top 10 fantasy QB this year, but I am saying drafting a QB early is a bad move.

Big props to the Oakland Raiders, who lost K Sebastian Janikowski to injury this week but managed to replace him with the top kicker of the week and someone whose name is even worse to spell.

By the way, the Eagles defense — which recorded four turnovers, four sacks and a TD — was only the fourth-best defense of the week (24 pts, behind the Rams, Jags and Ravens). Tough week to be on offense out there.


“Opening week” edition

3rd place: New England, -1.00 pts — started by Dad
2nd place: Tom Savage, -1.52 pts — on the wire
1st place: Andy Dalton, -3.00 pts — on Jim’s bench

Bengals QB Andy Dalton opens with a strong five-turnover performance this week, adding a lost fumble to four interceptions. His QB rating on the day (16 of 31, 170 yds, zero TDs) was a whopping 28.4, which was 11 points worse than the 39.6 rating you achieved sitting on your couch on Sunday (0 of 1, zero yds, zero TDs or INTs). That takes some work. Some very, very bad work.

No defense in the league gave up more points this weekend than the defending Super Bowl champs, playing at home to boot. But, knowing how the NFL works, they still probably have a chance to go 16-0.


** NFL on ESPN ads for this week: “Think there can’t be a must-win in week 2? Think again. Giants vs. Lions, next Monday!”

The Lions won on Sunday. Their week 2 game is not a must-win in any way.

The Giants lost on Sunday night. If they fall to 0-2, then … they’d probably need to go 9-5 to have a shot at the playoffs. And that’s not ridiculous. So, also not a must-win.

I think maybe ESPN confused “must-win” and “please-watch” again.

** Listening to the Green Bay home radio broadcast, I was confused by the color commentator’s insistence of referring to Aaron Rodgers as “A-Rod.” Hey, here’s a great idea: Let’s take one of the league’s most popular players and repeatedly call him the the nickname of a wildly unpopular steroid user! Who won’t love that?

Unrelated, I’m gonna refer to Odell Beckham Jr. as “OJ” from now on, since I’m pretty sure no one has any negative feelings about that nickname.

** Michael Wilbon on the Tony Kornheiser show this week said after the Bears’ week 1 loss, “the best they can start this month is 0-4.”

This was not a slip. When he was asked how they could do worse, he repeated that 0-4 was his “BEST-case” scenario. And watching the Bears last year, that may be right.

Sunday’s opener was an exciting win for the Eagles, but it did come at a heavy cost. Here’s a look at some of the key injuries from the game, and what it means for the team going ahead:

** CB Ronald Darby: Suffered a dislocated his ankle in the second quarter. Initial diagnosis says he’ll be out 4-6 weeks, which will put strain on the secondary.
** K Caleb Sturgis: Sustained a hip flexor tear in the fourth quarter. This could be a major problem for the team, even if he misses just a few games. They’ll bring in new kickers for tryouts this week.
** WR Alshon Jeffery: Team authorities initially feared he was lost for the season, but it turned out the $10-million receiver had just disappeared from the playbook. He finished the game with three catches. No word yet on his availability/relevance next week.
** R Brad Allen: Declared legally blind late in the game after calling this play a fumble. He is seeking optometrist advice in Philly this week, where he will also receive a key to the city.
** QB Carson Wentz: Sustained a neck strain after willing WR Nelson Agholor back into relevance through sheer force of will. He is expected to recover by next week.

In Sunday night’s snoozefest of a game, longtime Cowboys TE Jason Witten caught an 11-yard pass which made him the franchise’s all-time receiving yards leader, passing WR Michael Irvin. Irvin, as you may remember, is one of the most despicable characters in human history, because of his vacant soul and cannibalistic tendencies. It’s right there in his name:

Dallas wideout Michael Irvin
** Dull aims: I avow I eat children

But what you may not know is that in order to set any kind of record with the Dallas franchise, you have to aspire to a deeper level of evil than most men could imagine. So it should come as no surprise that Witten would one day surpass Irvin, given what the letters in his name clearly spell out:

Dallas Cowboys tight end Christopher Jason Witten
** Why jest, colt snobs? I eat children too. With grandpas.

A few additional observations:

— Not only does he eat people, but “Jason” has been lying to us about his real name for years.
— “Colt snob” is either slang for cowboys or illegal horse cooks. Either way...
— Eating grandpas seems excessive and also unnecessarily chewy.
— I’m pretty confident given enough time, you can spell out “eats children” with any Cowboys player name ever.

** I went 2-1 against Dad in our opening week, with my only mistake coming when I forgot to back out of the Giants upsetting the Cowboys after Odell “OJ” Beckham was ruled out. In fairness, I was trying to forget the game was happening, given there was no good outcome.

** Congrats to Ohio State on finishing their season early this year by losing in game two and generally looking awful. At least now the players have all fall to study for those winter finals.

** If you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and read this piece on how Louisiana Tech faced a 3rd and 93 over the weekend. It is spectacular.

** From Yahoo Sports writer Dan Wetzel: Ben Roethlisberger is 11-2 as a starter in Cleveland since the team “returned” there in 1999. That’s the most wins of any QB … including those who played for the Browns.

News flash: Cleveland is not good at the football.

Week 1 standings

1 -- Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 145.40 pts
2 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 124.99 pts
3 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 112.36 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 100.23 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 91.60 pts
6 -- Foles v. Sproles (Joanner), 88.78 pts
7 -- Animal Crackers (Mom Doyle), 85.72 pts
8 -- Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam), 84.80 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 78.83 pts
10 -- ThePigskin Predators (Dad), 75.06 pts
11 -- Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 71.34 pts
12 -- No Hands! (Paul), 70.37 pts

Welcome back to fantasy football! And what a glorious return it is.

Big weeks by Eagles Sam Bradford (former), LeSean McCoy (former), Zach Ertz (current) and the Philly defense (current) shot me to the top of the standings this week, where I intend to stay for the rest of the season. Have fun down there in loserville, everybody else.

Joel’s title defense produced an impressive points total too, although he probably could have done better if he started a QB (on a bye) and a K (injured) and a defensive player (one was suspended, one inactive). But maybe his bold strategy will pay off later in the season.

Paul and Bob start off this year where they ended last year, with lots of bad luck. Bob lost two starters for the season in week 1, while Paul’s team just never really showed up.

Only 16 weeks left to get it right, folks. The quest for the Awesome Cup will be over before you know it.

Fantasy league 2017 -- draft recap

The fantasy draft is finished, the season starts on Thursday, and sadly your fate is already sealed. Here’s how the season will play out this year, based on my alway accurate pre-season predictions:

The Pigskin Predators (Dad)
Yahoo projected finish: 2056.65 pts (1st place)
Real projected finish: 1563.22 pts (12th place)
Yahoo says Dad had the best draft of any team, so I’m picking him to finish last because Yahoo’s predictions are awful. Plus, no team that drafts a QB in the first round ever wins the championship. Dad’s starting lineup features two RBs (Fournette and Hyde) whose teams may win five games combined, and his top two wideouts (Bryant and Lockett) aren’t the #1 pass catchers on their own teams. And he drafted two kickers. The whole thing just feels wrong. But yeah, Yahoo, he got Aaron Rodgers, so I guess the whole draft was a success.

Animal Crackers (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo projected finish: 1850.11 pts (9th place)
Real projected finish: 1755.05 pts (11th place)
I don’t know if Mom’s team is any good. I just know I’ll be rooting against her for a lot of the year. She drafted three Patriots (Brady, Gronk and Gostkicksi), two DC players (Kelley and Dunbar), former Eagles malcontent DeSean Jackson, and Eagles RB LeGarrette Blount, who will probably be benched by week 3. I like WR Larry Fitzgerald. I guess I won’t be rooting for him to be deported to Alaska.

No Hands! (Paul)
Yahoo projected finish: 1865.58 pts (8th place)
Real projected finish: 1800.01 pts (10th place)
Paul picked the wrong time to change his team’s name from “I heart WRs.” He drafted four quality wideouts (J. Jones, Cooks, Bryant and T. Hill) and zero starting RBs. In fact, QB Russell Wilson could end up with more rushing yds on the year than Tevin Coleman, Derrick Henry, Jeremy Hill and James White. “No Feet!” might be a better nickname.

Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim)
Yahoo projected finish: 1898.71 pts (4th place)
Real projected finish: 1842.88 pts (9th place)
Eh. Maybe Marcus Mariota will be a top-end fantasy QB this year. Maybe WRs Baldwin and Davante Adams can repeat as big point scorers. Maybe 150-year-old Adrian Peterson can return to 2009 form. Maybe drafting two suspended RBs (Elliott and Martin) will pay off in a few weeks. Maybe Jack Doyle is an NFL TE and not someone I just made up. Lots of maybes. Not a lot of hell yeahs.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo projected finish: 1878.25 (7th place)
Real projected finish: 1868.58 pts (8th place)
I’m gonna need Jeff’s team to do better than this, because it’s pretty much the same team I drafted in one of my pay leagues this year. So, while I’m positive Big Ben, Dalvin Cook, Martellus Bennett and Maclin will all be great, the rest of the team looks like a hot mess to me. And anytime you let Odell Beckham into your party, you’re asking for trouble. Also, Eli Manning’s presence as always equals negative pts.

Not with that Attitude (Sam)
Yahoo projected finish: 1810.55 pts (12th place)
Real projected finish: 1871.53 pts (7th place)
I’m not sure why Yahoo is hating on Sam so much, other than the fact that nearly all the players on his team toiled with lousy squads last year. Only four of the 17 players he drafted made the playoffs last year, and only two — NE’s backup WR Chris Hogan and Hotlanta little-used TE Austin Hooper — won a playoff round. But I’m sure that won’t be the case this year. All those Bills and Jets and Jaguars are on the rise, I can feel it.

Foles v. Sproles (Joanner)
Yahoo projected finish: 1958.17 pts (3rd place)
Real projected finish: 1901.07 pts (6th place)
All the pieces look like they’re here — Matt Ryan, AJ Green, Terrell Pryor, Devonta Freeman, Seattle D — but I just can’t believe in any team that employs Eddie Lacy. That dude has burned me way too many times. On the plus side, Joanna did name her team after Sproles and then go out and draft him. That’s dedication and good coaching. That’s the kind of move that could help her squad overachieve.

Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob)
Yahoo projected finish: 1885.73 pts (5th place)
Real projected finish: 1985.73 pts (5th place)
Finally, Yahoo picked one right. Bob’s team has the best RB in the game (David Johnson), two solid WRs (Hilton and Cooper), a solid QB (Carr), a world-class TE (Eifart) with a world-class pun name (pronounced “I-fart) … and a host of injured people. Like, a lot of them. Spencer Ware is out for three weeks. Latavius Murray sprained a leg trying to spell his first name. Cameron Meredith is dead. Alex Smith just broke his arm. Oh, wait, that’s just how he throws? My apologies.

Gronky Tonk Man (Joel)
Yahoo projected finish: 1810.99 pts (11th place)
Real projected finish: 1987.65 pts (4th place)
The defending Awesome Cup champion trots out a good lineup, but not a great one. Gordon, McCaffery and Hunt are a formidable starting RB corps. Jordy Nelson is a great wideout. And the rest of his team are professional football players currently on NFL rosters (expect his two defensive player picks, they’re both out). So that’s a plus. Maybe Joel can upend expectations again and become on the second back-to-back Awesome Cup champion in league history? Or maybe he can drift back down the standings this year, content with his 2016 achievements.

Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo projected finish: 1831.36 pts (10th place)
Real projected finish: 2033.33 pts (3rd place) 
Now this is a good looking team. Three top 15 RBs (McCoy, Howard and Miller), three top flight WRs (Allen, Landry and Tate) and Zach Etrz bringing me sneaky TE points. The only glaring flaw on my team is at QB, where my tandem of Andrew Luck (current status: dead) and Jay Cutler (current status: apathetic) are … less than optimal. But no matter. If the Giants can win two Super Bowls with dopey Eli at the helm. I can make this work.

Cosby’s Sleepers (Mike)
Yahoo projected finish: 1885.58 pts (6th place)
Projected finish: 2034.03 pts (2nd place)
No one has a better RB corps than Mike: Ajayi, Gurley, Lynch, Forte. Nobody has a better TE corps: Olson and Reed. Nobody has a better QB tandem: Newton and Stafford. And nobody has a worse WR corps. Seriously. Willie Snead is suspended for three games. Donte Moncrief may be dead. Torrey Smith, the fifth receiving option on the Eagles, is the third WR on his team. That ain’t good. I hate wideouts as much as the next guy, but you need one or two to win the league.

For Who? For Wentz (Ant)
Yahoo projected finish: 2038.17 pts (2nd place)
Real projected finish: 2115.51 pts (1st place)
Everything about Ant’s team looks sneaky good (except for his recycled name). Brees racking up pts at QB? Jeffery and Crabtree and Bell all catching TDs? Big-ticket sleepers in Diggs and Gillislee. This team feels like it’s a winner. So, congrats to Anthony in finishing in last place now that I’ve delivered the kiss of death to his squad.

Best of luck to all of you in the season ahead, even though most of you have already lost. Try to have fun anyway. Remember the first game is Thursday night, because the NFL hates you and has no respect for your scehdule.