Welcome back to this blog, welcome back to football, and welcome back to the annual pursuit of the Awesome Cup. We're entering our 16th season together, and I think we can all agree that Joel's reign of terror as last season's champ has produced eight of the darkest months of American history. I can only assume that unseating him will restore balance to the force (and result in a mess of Patriots losses).
All of the teams have been autorenewed this year, meaning all you have to do is come up with a new team name and set your player rankings before Friday night, when I'll launch the auto draft. To help you plan for that, we held the annual draft order selection show this week, with Dad as an objective witness and the staff of the Junior Awesome blog handling logistics. Everyone's proxy was prepped on the modified NBA draft order system, and ready as the first names went into the hat. The first name out and first loser of the year went to ...
** Pick 12 — Jo
Joanna's representative, Joanna, looks upset as Awesome Child #1 laughs at picking Mom’s name before he was supposed to. "Mom's not going to be happy!" he shrieks. The child is promptly given a 15-yard timeout. That means Awesome Child #2 will have to pick the next name out of the helmet, and she responds by selecting as her victim...
** Pick #11 — Joel
Last year's top finisher gets the second-worst draft pick possible for his follow-up effort. His representative, the shiny Awesome Cup itself, responds with silent confidence, accepting the challenge. AC #2 looks around confused. “Who is Joel?” she asks. “Is he here? Did Mom win now?” Given her ignorance of the process, the selection duties are passed back over to AC #1, who in turn picks...
** Pick #10 — Mike
Mike finished second this year, so he moves up a single spot in the reverse rankings thanks to his nephew’s actions. Mike’s proxy, an old Stanley Pritchett nesting doll, drops into a three-point stance in an instinctual football response. AC #1 asks if this means his cousins get to win now. Picking duties are promptly turned back over to AC #2, who grabs the next name…
** Pick #9 — Sam
Sam, represented by a Game of Thrones rerun, lets out a mighty dragon roar in response to the mediocre news. AC #2 asks if Sam and Joel know each other and when they are coming over. Then she asks for fruit snacks. Dad indicates he’ll file a protest if he is also not given fruit snacks. Selection duties return to AC #1, who indicates the next draft spot goes to …
** Pick #8 — Jeff
Jeff’s rep, an unfolded (but clean) Ohio State shirt in the laundry basket, wrinkles a little further in response to the lack of good fortune. I take a moment to explain to AC #1 that I’m putting my name into the helmet now, and under no circumstances should he pull it next. He smiles. “I’m gonna get your name right away,” he shouts. I transfer the name-picking duties over to AC #2. She selects the next slip.
** Pick #7 — Capt. Awesome
Both of these children are sleeping outside tonight. AC #1 picks the next name
** Pick #6 — Pop Shane
Dad, represented by himself at the draft, starts to protest, but instead applauds the grandchildren for picking out my name before his. Now he is sleeping outside tonight too. AC #2 asks if she can pick out Mom’s name again, even though her draft position is already locked in, but I’ve given up explaining this to the children. She reaches in and comes out with ...
** Pick #5 — Paul
Paul, here in spirit as a pile of candy corn, lets out completely inaudible cheer. I can’t tell if it’s in celebration or in agony. AC #2 asks if she can eat the candy. AC #1 asks if he can go watch a TV show. I ask myself why I go through all this effort each year and don’t just make up the draft order on my own. Dad tells the boy to grab the next name, and he selects ...
** Pick #4 — Jim
Jim’s proxy is a Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters scarf that has sat under all our Eagles gear for the last 10 years. It responds with the heartiest ham celebration you can imagine. AC #2 asks if she can eat some ham. Instead, she is tasked with getting the next name, and it’s ...
** Pick #3 — Mom Doyle
Great news for Mom, who suffered through a rough sophomore season last year. But at this point in the selection show I realize that her proxy is AC #2, and the whole process may be rigged. Before I have time to put the pieces together, AC #1 jumps back in and picks out ...
** Pick #2 — Ant
OK, now I know it’s rigged. Anthony finished fourth last year, but his godson managed to slide his draft position up six spots without me noticing. Anthony’s proxy, a Winnie the Pooh doll, smiles vacantly and suspiciously as the news is announced. And that leaves only one name left, which is …-
** Pick #1 — Bob
Bob immediately becomes the pre-season favorite to win the league this year, dooming him to another bottom-of-the-rankings finish by the end of the year. His representative at the event, a broken Donovan McNabb bobblehead, glares at me from across the room. AC #1 says he remembers Bob. AC #2 remembers that she never got any candy. Dad washes his hands of the whole thing.
That’s it folks. Plan your draft orders accordingly and get them done by the end of the week. And UPDATE YOUR TEAM NAMES. Nobody likes recycling.
Good luck to all of you, except Dad, who has poisoned these kids against me.
