Fantasy league 2016 -- week 3 recap

Analyzing the surprising first-place NFL teams:

-- NFC West, LA Rams: The new team in town didn’t score a TD in its first two games, then scored 37 this week and finds itself atop the division at 2-1 despite starting Case Keenum at QB. Pre-season favorite Arizona is 1-2 despite scoring 33 more points than the Rams.

-- AFC North, Baltimore Ravens: Coach Jim Harbaugh’s squad has scored four TDs in three games, second fewest in all of football, but stout defense has rendered that moot and given them a 3-0 start.

-- NFC South, Hotlanta Falcons: Another 3-0 team, the Falcons have outscored everyone else in the league but also surrendered the third-most points of any team. Still, they enjoy a two-game lead over the Super Bowl hangovered Panthers.

-- NFC East, Philadelphia Eagles: Behind rookie QB Carson Wentz, the 3-0 Eagles are SHUT UP SHUT UP DON’T JINX IT THIS MAKES NO SENSE SHUT UP SHUT UP.

QB: Trevor Siemian, 36.98 pts -- on the wire
WR: Marvin Jones, 28.67 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: Devonta Freeman, 27.37 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Zach Miller, 21.20 pts -- on Sam’s bench
K: Dustin Hopkins, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 38.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Derrick Johnson, 13.50 pts -- started by Jim

Six QBs accounted for three or more TDs this week, and our coaches started all of them … except Siemian, the best one on the week.

But none of them topped the KC defense, which posted an ungodly line against the Jets: 3 points allowed, six interceptions, two fumble recoveries, two defensive TDs. And zero sacks. I mean, I guess the Jets didn’t have the ball enough to get sacked, but that’s just weird.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place:(tie) Kelvin Benjamin, 0.00 pts -- started by Mike
3rd place:(tie) Rob Gronkowski, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Ryan Mathews, -0.50 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -2.28 pts -- on Sam’s bench

And here’s a look at the worst QB performances of the week:
-- Ben Roethlisberger: 257 yds, 1 int, 64.1 QB rating, team lost by 31. This was just your standard bad day.
-- Marcus Mariota: 214 yds, 2 int, 46.8 QB rating. Tennessee lost by 7, and if he was even half decent, they may have won.
-- You: 0 yards, 0 int, 39.5 QB rating. You did nothing, so we aren’t impressed at all.
-- Carson Palmer: 287 yds, 4 int, 36.0 QB rating. Dreadful. He would have performed better if he had never taken the field.
-- Ryan Fitzpatrick: 188 yds, 6 int, 18.2 QB rating. Fitzpatrick’s offense scored 3 points for the Jets and 7 for the Chiefs (55-yd interception return for a TD). Historically awful.

** I caught local DC ESPN radio the day after the Maryland Racial Slurs’ big win Monday morning just in time to hear former TE Chris Cooley’s analysis of the contest, titled, “Mmmms and eeeers of the game.” It’s exactly what it sound like, he grunted on the radio for five straight minutes.
“They came out in the second half and went right down the field and I was like, ‘mmmmmmmmmmmmm.’”
“Then they call a running play on third and my thought was “eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr.”
“That left me ‘eeeeeeeeerrrr’ but then ‘mmmmmmm?’ when they move ahead with…”
I haven’t heard football radio noises that insightful since the great Myron Cope passed away. But in fairness, he had a terrible towel in his mouth at all times.

We’re four weeks into the college football season and we’ve already seen a host of dominant performances (Ohio State), controversial finishes (LSU vs. Auburn), and exciting upsets.

A lot of upsets, in fact. So many upsets you have to wonder if anyone grading these college teams have any idea how to rate anything.

Consider: 12 teams in the AP top 25 have lost in upsets in the first four weeks. Nine of them have lost to unranked teams. Seven have lost to teams at least 10 spots below them. One (Iowa) lost to a team in the division below the top collegiate ranks (North Dakota State, where Carson Wentz recently played.)

That means just a month into the year, the braintrust behind the college football rankings have failed at their jobs almost half the time. Only five of the top 10 teams in the pre-season rankings are still there four games later. Ten teams have dropped out of the top 25 altogether in that span.

Why do we have rankings again? If we just want to post a list of teams with big boosters and routine overhype, we can use the same list every year and save everybody time. Alabama, Ohio State, Notre Dame, USC and Florida State are the top five at the start of next year. Done. Don’t worry about recruiting classes and returning schemes and all the other nonsense.

I’m just saying, we could save ourselves hours of worthless ESPN programming if we adopted the “AP top 25 hyped rankings” and just enjoy the early season football.


All of the Cowboys rookie attention so far this season has been focused on RB Ezekiel Elliott and QB Dak Prescott, given their early season success/penchant for unrepentant evil. But they’re far from the only newbies worth noting. Consider RB Darius Jackson, picked up by Dallas in the sixth round and so far relegated to only a minor role on the team. Why not use him more? Why hasn’t the team tried to exploit his talents to their fullest potential? Unless …

Dallas backup Darius Jackson
** I suck as bad as a junk crap doll

Maybe we’re just not using the right title for him here. Let’s try…

Cowboys backup Darius Jackson
** Coward pony: I suck, job sucks. Baa.

OK, that seems bad, but if we change it over to...

Dallas Cowboys special teams player Darius Jackson
** Alas, as a joyless corpse. I suck at my place in bad world.

He seems like he’s having a bad day. Maybe we’ll come back later.


** Boom. Another 2-1 week against Dad, and we’re all tied up for the season. It’s like the whole year is brand new and the Eagles still haven’t turned over the ball even once. Oh wait, they haven’t? Well then...

** More fun with stats: Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,664 yds this year and not win a single game. That may be harder than winning the championship.

** Remember when I asked for the football season to stop last week, because things were going so good? I wasn’t serious. What’s up with a week 4 college bye for the Buckeyes and a week 4 pro bye for the Eagles? Could the schedulers screw them any more?

Week 3 standings

1 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 408.87 pts
2 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 383.42 pts
3 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 366.26 pts
4 -- TheWrong Palmer Died (Sam), 363.61 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 361.13 pts
6 (tie) -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 353.56 pts
6 (tie) -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 353.56 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 342.79 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 340.94 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 335.31 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 314.63 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 236.48 pts

Lots to unpack here:

-- Anthony vaults way up the rankings to first after a ridiculous 178-pts week led by his new QB, Carson Wentz (and a little help from that 38-pts week from the KC defense.)
-- Two teams renamed themselves -- Bob is now “Last exit 2 Kutztown,” a tribute to the classic Simpsons episode where Homer is elected union president, and Sam is now known as “TheWrong Palmer Died,” clearly a tribute to the untimely death of President David Palmer in the classic 24. I guess he was hoping for a sports Palmer to die instead? Who knows.
-- Speaking of Bob, we have our first tie in the standings ever! It’s good to know three weeks in, through the magic of random scoring, we had two teams hit exactly the same to the hundredths of a point.
-- We’re just not gonna talk about my team or Mom’s team until next week, maybe. It depends if we lose during our bye too.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 2 recap

** Broncos LB Von Miller is on pace for 32 sacks (4.0 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 9.5 sacks.
** Bengals QB Andy Dalton is on pace for 5,856 passing yards (732 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 379 yards.
** Vikings WR Stephon Diggs is on pace for 2,280 receiving yards (285 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 316 yards.
** The Cleveland-LosAngeles-StLouis-LosAngeles Rams are on pace to score 72 points (9 in two games), but still go 8-8 (1-1 so far).
** Titans RB DeMarco Murray is on pace to be tackled in the end zone for a safety eight times (once in two games), which honestly would not be much of a shock.
** Eagles QB Carson Wentz is on pace to be sooooo much better than I thought he’d be in his first year.

QB: Cam Newton, 37.82 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Matt Forte, 29.60 pts -- started by Paul
RB: Travis Benjamin, 22.99 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Greg Olsen, 17.13 pts -- started by Paul
K: Graham Gano, 18.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
DEF: Arizona, 25.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Marcus Cooper, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Ahhhhh, so close. We actually only started two defensive players in the top 25 this week, so … maybe that’s not a big surprise.

And Wentz? He's only the 23rd best fantasy QB at the moment, but that still puts him ahead of dopey Eli Manning, fellow rookie Dak Prescott, flash-in-the-pan Kirk Cousins and the remains of Sam Bradford. And he's even further ahead of the guy drafted ahead of him, Jared Goff, who has yet to see a snap in the NFL. So much for those big-time Pac-12 schools being better than North Dakota State.


“Players that stunk” edition

3rd place: Matt Cassel, -0.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jacksonville, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -3.00 pts -- started by Jo

Joanna gets the prize for the first coach to start a player who records negative pts, thanks to Oakland falling apart in their game against Atlanta on Sunday. (Please note, no prize will be awarded.)


The Eagles dominated the Bears on Monday night, which means Philadelphia fans got to enjoy a solid win with a side order of verbal diarrhea from ESPN color commentator Jon Gruden. The insufferable former coach actually suffers from a rare disease where his heart stalls if he ever stops talking, so he pretty much ran his yap through the entire contest. Here are some of his worst lines:

** “If (Bears C Cody) Whitehair can’t slow down the Eagles defensive rush, Jay Cutler will be the one with white hair.” -- His co host didn’t even smile at the comment.
** “Pass interference in the end zone is a big call, obviously.” -- Yes, so obvious you didn’t need to say it.
** “I wish I had Carson Wentz when I coached.” -- He was only 15 then, you dolt.
** “Wentz has some luggage inside of him that is special.” -- I have no idea what he meant here.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, and Patriots coach Bill Belichick walks that line more often than any other person in the NFL each week. Usually, that just means straight up cheating, but this week he’s taking a more creative route -- tempting fate with his QBs.

With Tom “Cheater” Brady suspended and Jimmy “Probably Cheater” Garoppolo injured, New England will enter Thursday night’s game against Houston with rookie Jacoby “Brisket” Brissett as their starting QB and WR Julian “I played some QB in college forever ago” Edelman as their backup. No word on who the #3 QB would be, but I assume it’s Belichick.

Some may call that unconventional, risky thinking, especially with Texans all-pro DE JJ Watt bearing down on the New England backfield. But that’s not even the craziest idea Belichick has planned for this season. Consider his other upcoming moves:

** He’s going to sign former Patriots QB Matt Cassel on Wednesday and cut him Thursday morning, just because.
** He’s making Edelman his backup RB, kicker, and tax planner too.
** Win or lose, he’s going to eat Brissett’s heart as part of the post-game ceremony.
** He’s going to start Brady at QB after his suspension is over and pretend like no one thinks they’re cheating again.


The Cowboys got their first win of the year this week, but their first-round draft pick (Ohio State star Ezekiel Elliott) continues to underwhelm in the early season. Many experts have been surprised by his slow transition to pro competition, but to those careful students of the football letter game, his sluggishness comes as no surprise:

Dallas rookie RB Ezekiel Elliott
** Zoo-like beast troll liked ale, ire

I mean, I like beer and getting angry too, but you don’t see me getting drafted for a multi-year contract.


** Getting back on track -- I went 2-1 against Dad this weekend, and now sit a game down in the standings to him. So I’m doing better than the 0-2 Maryland Racial Slurs.

** Speaking of weird QB news, Cleveland is set to start its fifth different QB in the last five games, thanks to another injury on Sunday. As several folks on social pointed out, San Diego has only started five different QBs since 2000. I don’t think the Cavaliers’ magic is extending to the Browns...

** I love me some North Dakota State alum Carson Wentz, but among the 17 shots ESPN showed Monday of folks in Fargo celebrating his great performance, they could have sprinkled in one damn Philly bar scene.

** Sam asked last week if we can keep a running tally of Wentz puns all year, then Anthony sent me four new Wentz-themed names he wants to use through the year, and then I got so excited I passed out. It's all happening. It's Wentz-tastic.

Week 2 standings

1 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 268.08 pts
2 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 254.26 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam), 244.88 pts
4 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 242.67 pts
5 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 242.56 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 241.93 pts
7 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 230.70 pts
8 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 221.45 pts
9 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 215.02 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob), 213.22 pts
11 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 202.65 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 151.81 pts

Huge week for Mike, who I can confirm does know he has a team now. And a huge fall for me, because everyone on my team decided to stink at the same time. Sam would actually be in second place if he had remembered to start the kicker he picked up this week (11 pts left on the bench) and Mom Doyle would be in first place if we were playing golf (we are not).

But don’t despair! It’s still early, and everyone still has a chance to come out on top … unless you’re the Browns.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 1 recap

 

Rapid overreaction to seeing live (with G) the new Eagles rookie QB turn in one of the best debuts in Philadelphia passer history:

** Carson Wentz is on pace to pass for 4,448 yards, 32 TDs and zero INTs this season, which all would be rookie records.
** His two TD passes were nearly identical: Lofty rainbow throws which settled into his receivers arms as they crossed the goal line that were of such beauty that they caused several grown men in the area to break down in tears.
** The Eagles have scored a safety in every game of Wentz’ career. He’s making the offense and defense better.
** Wentz was 22 of 37, but three of those were smart throw-away passes, five were drops by wideouts, and six more were just pity on the Browns, I believe. There was that one awful throw he tossed in the second, though.
** Based on Sunday’s performance, Wentz should reach 100 career wins in 2022, right after his fifth consecutive Super Bowl MVP.
** Wentz was so good, he made WR Nelson Agholor look competent.

On a more serious note … the kid did look pretty darn good.

QB: Andrew Luck, 43.50 pts -- started by me
WR: Brandin Cooks, 25.63 pts -- started by Mike
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 31.67 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Jack Doyle, 15.83 pts -- on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 17.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Minnesota, 23.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: Danielle Hunter, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Well, at least we didn’t leave anyone on the bench…

Only two RBs rushed for more than 100 yards this week (Williams and Lamar Miller). On the receiving side, 11 wideouts hauled in more than 100 yards in week 1. And 10 QBs passed for more than 300 yards, including Drew Brees 423-yard losing performance. So I’m starting to suspect the NFL has become a predominantly passing league.

And, yes, I double checked. Dude’s name is Danielle. He’s a 6-5, 260-pound defensive end for the Vikings. You tell him he has a girl’s name.


“Defenses that stunk” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New Orleans, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

One week in and we’ve already had a defense score the lowest possible fantasy points. The Saints allowed 35 points on the scoreboard, recorded no turnovers or sacks, and essentially failed to show up at all. They’re on pace to … be terrible all year.

In other news about terrible players, Vikings QB Sam Bradford still has not taken the field.


** In one of my other two fantasy leagues this season (this is a cry for help, people) I entered Monday night’s game with a 14-point lead, all-world WR Antonio Brown still to play and my opponent finished for the week. Yahoo gave me a 94 percent chance to win.
Hold on a second there -- there was a 6 percent chance that all-world WR Antonio Brown would record negative yards receiving and fumble the ball more than seven times? How else could I possibly lose? That’s like Andy Reid clock management math there, Yahoo.

** ESPN commentator Chris Berman opened the Monday night Rams/Niners game by saying “everyone is looking forward to these teams getting back on the field” which was a complete lie because no one cared not even their moms.

** Outside the stadium, before the Eagles game, I ran into a group of about 10 Browns fans getting fired up for the beat-down to come. One of them yelled out “Browns cheer!” and the guys started chanting “Here we go, Brownies, here we go!” The team has been around for 70 years. I know they can’t find a QB, but they can’t find an original cheer either?

Perhaps you saw the new Direct TV commercial this weekend featuring Peyton Manning (or perhaps you missed them because you’re TV was destroyed in a fire and you moved to Calcutta because that’s the only way to avoid it). In the spot, Peyton calls up Eli to invite him over to watch football on Sunday, only to have Eli tell him he can’t come because “I’ve got a game to play.” Peyton smiles and says “I’ll pencil you in for Tuesday.” It’s funny, because Eli is usually the dopey one.

Or is it funny? One of the greatest signal callers in NFL history can’t remember that his brother also plays football? After seeing the commercial roughly 1,700 times, the message is clearly less about expensive TV plans and more about the long-term brain damage caused by on-field collisions. They played the commercial on Thursday night after every illegal hit to QB Cam Newton’s noggin, making me wonder if the Panthers QB can even dial a phone anymore.

That commercial doesn’t make me want to drop an extra $400 a year to watch more football, it makes me want to launch a congressional investigation into the health effects of repeated brain impact.

Also, Lionel Richie does a song introing the commercial, which is a tremendous amount of cost for a 30-second advertisement. Maybe if they just had Peyton alone cracking a joke, they could charge under $300 for that football package.


Tough break for the Cowboys before play even started this weekend, after they lost long-time signal caller (and toy moron) Tony Romo to a back injury for the first half of the season. That pressed first year QB Dak Prescott into service this weekend, and force him to be the unifying force to steady the team. Could it work? Well, it didn’t in week one, which comes as no surprise to those of us who looked closely at his name:

Dallas Cowboys rookie, MSU grad Rayne “Dak” Prescott
** Discord: A kooky name, a sad loser. Worst guy, epic brat.

Already dipping into the college team names for extra letters, eh? It’s gonna be a loooong season.


** Poor start to the new season by me -- I dropped three of four games to Dad to start our weekly picks at minus 2. Only Oakland’s last-minute two-point conversion saved me from an opening week sweep. And, for the record, I think it was stupid to go for two and the win instead of one and the tie.

** The Eagles, Buckeyes and Blue Hens are all undefeated, and the Cowboys are winless. And I saw a safety with G on Sunday. Can we end all the football right now? Please?

** Seriously, though, the Eagles could easily start 2-0 and be alone in first place and all of Philadelphia will lose its mind.

Week 1 standings

1 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 151.07 pts
2 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 134.86 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam), 128.64 pts
4 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 127.97 pts
5 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 127.89 pts
6 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob), 116.84 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 110.80 pts
8 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 108.46 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 98.89 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 91.75 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 84.84 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 66.48 pts

Great start for our perennial runner up Joanna, who puts almost 85 pts between her and last place (sorry, Mom Doyle) despite losing her second round pick (Keenan Allen) for the season with a knee injury. Sam’s third place team starts out in third (this is going to get confusing very fast) and Anthony wins the prize for the best in-season team name adjustment.

In related news, I think Mike knows he has a team now.

No rest for the weary, folks -- football is back up again on Thursday night. Check your rosters and get your waiver wire claims in, and we’ll do it all again. Only 16 more chances to get it right this year.

Fantasy league 2016 -- pre-season predictions

The teams are set and we’re just days away from the official start of our 15th campaign to crown a new Awesome Cup Champion. Most of you still haven’t set your team names, but that’s not a problem, since most of you also won’t win the title this year. Here’s a look at how terrible your draft went:

1.21 Chip-a-Watts, Ant
Projected finish: 1804.54 pts, 12th place
Oh boy. Anthony drafted TEs with two of his first three picks, which is a great idea if you’re putting together an unconventional pass offense but terrible if you’re just trying to collect fantasy points. His RB committee (Hyde, Abdullah) is a collection of folks with concussions and his #2 wideout (Shepard) has never played a down in the NFL. He’ll need Roethlisberger to be spectacular to avoid being the Browns of our league.


May Pay Attention, Paul
Projected finish: 1905.69 pts, 11th place
Paul’s team looks half decent -- WR Jordy Nelson, WR Odell Beckham, TE Greg Olsen -- but his biggest foe will be himself. Will Paul set his roster every week this year? Does he even know we drafted? Will that matter in what has become an increasingly ridiculous league? All good questions that you people don’t pay me enough to actually predict. So, 11th. Done.


Gronky Tonk Man, Joel
Projected finish: 1995.96 pts, 10th place
Joel drafted Cardinals RB David Johnson and no one else I really like. I mean, QB Phillip Rivers and WR Sammy Watkins are probably fine, but I just don’t like them. Sorta like the Lions. Never liked them, never will. What’s the point here? I feel like Phillip Rivers should work on his likeability. Also, maybe on scoring TDs too.


Tiny Trump Gloves, Jim
Projected finish: 2001.00 pts, 9th place
Jim (the only person who tried with a team name this year) picked up Ravens RB Justin Forsett as his 3rd string RB. This week, Forsett was released by the Ravens, then rumored to resign with them, then refused to resign with them, then resigned with them. I feel like that’s not a good omen. Sure, he has other players, but I feel like a team’s 3rd string RB is really the best way to judge their worth.


QBs for everyone!, Jo
Projected finish: 2020.20 pts, 8th place
Jo is coming off a 4th and 2nd place finish the last two years, so it’s time for a major regression. QB Aaron Rodgers and WR AJ Green are studs, but after that her team falls apart quickly. WR Larry Fitzgerald and RB Frank Gore are both 700 years old, and RB Jeremy Hill screwed me last year so I’m still angry. Plus, with a name like QBs for everyone, you need more than two QBs. That’s just a scientific fact.


Cosby’s Sleepers, Mike
Projected finish: 2101.10 pts, 7th place
Full disclosure -- I’m confident Mike has no idea the league got renewed this year. That’s probably for the best, because his stomach would probably turn if he saw that he drafted Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliot in the first round. He’ll roll into opening weekend with three starters who saw zero action last season (Elliot and WRs Kelvin Benjamin and Josh Gordon) and a lot of questions about whether Cam Newton can play superman again this year. I mean, he’ll have those questions if he ever looks at his team.


Yelp For Help, Ma Doyle
Projected finish: 2107.pts, 6th place
There’s no sophomore slump for our second-year coach, who surprised the league last season by finishing just out of medal contention in fourth place. Mom comes in with an impressive RB crew of Peterson, Rawls, and LeVeon Bell whenever he isn’t suspended, and a sneaky good passing combo of QB Russell Wilson and WR Marvin Jones. And after that, she has nothing. But it’ll be fun for a little while at least.


Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
Projected finish: 2222.23 pts, 5th place
This could work, maybe? Nobody likes rooting for QB Tom Brady, but Jeff has assembled a great Atlanta Falcons squad: RB Devonta Freeman, WR Julio Jones and QB Matt Ryan. So as long as his team is playing in the weak NFC South, they should be fine. It’ll be a lot of fun when those three are playing against his defense, the Carolina Panthers, twice this year…


Third is the new 1st, Sam
Projected finish: 2350.77 pts, 4th place
Third is the new first looks good enough to be fourth this year, and that’s the worst phrase I’ve written in years. Sam’s squad is full of potential fantasy superstars (RB Lamar Miller, WR Donte Moncrief, RB Jeremy Langford) and some solid point getters like WR Demaryius Thomas and Mark Ingram. But will those #1 picks be enough to pull a #5 coach into top-three contention for the 15th year of jeebus all the numbers so many numbers this joke fell apart quickly anyways we all hope Sam’s Patriots lose a lot.


North Dakota Reaches, Me
Projected finish: 2403.33 pts, 3rd place
I’ll be honest, I’m not loving this team name. We may have a change mid season. But I am liking a lot of what I’m seeing elsewhere. The WR pool is deep (DeAndre Hopkins, Alshon Jeffery, DeSean Jackson, Allen Hurns, Vincent Jackson) and QB Andrew Luck should return to form. The RBs are lead by the remains of Jamaal Charles, but it could work. Anything is possible if the Vikings will trade a first-round pick for Sam “dead arm” Bradford.”


Bethlehem Moravians, Bob
Projected finish: 2417.99 pts, 2nd place
I’m loving this team, but couldn’t in good conscience curse Bob by making him my pre-season pick to win the league again. Or could I…?
Nah. Eli Manning as team QB should be enough to hold back a great combo of Antonio Brown, Doug Martin, LeSean McCoy and Jeremy Maclin. Plus he’s only a Riley Cooper signing away from reconstructing the 2014 Eagles, and honestly that didn’t end up being great in retrospect.


Who's On First?, Dad
Projected finish: 2418.01 pts, 1st place
Look, if you’re the league’s first two-time defending champion, you’re the pre-season pick to win it again no matter who is on your team. Much like Bill Belechick, Dad has used guile and deceit to get to the top the last few years, so there’s no reason to believe that will stop now. So maybe he can turn RBs Ryan Mathews and Theo Riddick into something useable. Maybe QB Drew Brees really will live forever. And maybe Dad can explain how his was the only team that drafted OK defensive players. We’ll know the answers in just a few months time.


That’s it, kids, Get your rosters set by Thursday night and good luck to everyone, especially the 11 of you who are going to lose in the end.