Today marks the official start of the 2016 fantasy football season, and your chance to unseat the two-year Awesome Cup champion who shares the same name as me but has completely separate irrational opinions about the last 19 years of NFL action (we both wanted the Broncos to beat the Packers in that Super Bowl).
All the coaches are back (check this, most teams still haven’t updated their names) and none of the rules have changed from last year (Sam Bradford still stinks). We’ve also got the modified NBA draft order system that no one really understands but me, ready to decide everyone’s future.
And this week we had the reigning Awesome Cup champion on hand to help unveil the order, complete with his complaints about the confusing procedures and general football outlook. All the names are in the hat, and the lucky loser picking last in the draft is …
12 -- Dad
Ha! Serves him right for winning two years in a row. Dad brushes off my laughter, polishes the Awesome Cup one more time before putting it back on its in-season pedestal, and reaches into the hat for the next name.
11 -- Mom Doyle
Tough break for Mom, who finished fourth last year but will pick second to last. “This is age discrimination,” says Dad, apparently unaware that he is the one picking names out of the hat. “This system is rigged against the older competitors.” I tell him to take up his complaints with the league office. The next name out belongs to…
10 -- Ant
The 2011 Awesome Cup champion will pick third from last, following his third-place finish last year. Dad and I both stare blankly, stunned that he somehow finished that high in 2015. Maybe the system is rigged. We push on and unveil the next draft slot.
9 -- Jo
Joanna, who finished second last year, briefly enters the room to complain about the system being rigged, but mostly to pick up the toys scattered all around the room, as if LeSean McCoy from 2014 had run through wall in our family room. Stepping carefully among the carnage, Dad pulls the next name from the hat …
8 -- Sam
“Who is Sam?” Dad asks. I tell him not to worry, he’s kind of a Patriots fan but also may be distracted by Pokemon for most of the year. When Dad asks how Sam won the league three years ago if he knows so little, I change the subject and unveil the next draft assignment.
7 -- Mike
In the 14-year history of the league we’ve only had two two-time champions (Mike and Dad) and only one three-time champion (me, just saying) which shows the kind of parity NFL execs would be proud of. I note that Dad hasn’t pulled my name yet, and this is the first year I can remember not getting screwed by this system. Dad immediately pulls my name.
6 -- Me
I’ll be picking exactly where I should if we just did reverse order of finish, which, fine, whatever. I tell Dad that Bob’s name has been in the hat for several rounds now, maybe he should randomly pull his name next. “But Bob paid me,” he replies. The league office immediately launches an investigation.
5 -- Jim
Our first Ohioan enters the draft pool, picking one spot lower than if we just made this a simple reverse order of finish draft. But I always feel like he should be penalized wherever possible, for embracing the Steelers instead of his hometown Browns. Dad is now officially wondering if this process will ever end.
4 -- Joel
Next name off the board is Joel, who will pick two spots lower than his second-to-last place finish last year. Dad is now watching the Bengals third-stringers give up a three-TD lead to the Jaguars third-stringers, and rethinking his plans to draft QB Chad Henne in the first round this year. Next name out of the hat is ...
3 -- Jeff
OK, fine, let’s just lump all the Ohio players together. It’s easier to keep track of them this way. Jeff gets the bronze medal spot in this decidedly not Olympics level competition. Dad complains the Olympics have been garbage since they let pros in. I’m just wondering if Bob really did pay him off. The next spot goes to ...
2 -- Paul
“Paul never paid me,” Dad says, as if there was any real plan for him to be picking these names. I’m left wondering if Paul even has access to the email I have on file, and if Odell Beckham will go to waste on his team if he never checks in. And I’m OK with that. Only one pick left, and that is...
1 -- Bobert
The league office, after an exhaustive inquiry into the “Pickgate” matter, charges both Bob and Dad with collusion and draft fixing, and suspends Patriots QB Tom Brady for four games as a penalty. Neither coach opts to appeal the decision. Also, Bob gets WR Antonio Brown, because the fantasy world is crazy and we’re taking wideouts first now.
Get your draft order set, folks. I’ll flip the switch on the draft sometime on Friday night/Saturday morning, so we have time for a early season prediction round next week before the first games on Sept. 8. Enjoy being tied for first place for another nine days, because it won’t last.
Remember, here's what you're playing for:
