Draft order rules are the same modified NBA-style system that we have every year (honestly, it’d be so much easier if I just made this up), and everyone’s representatives are here for the draft, so let’s put the names in the hat and see what happens.
11th pick -- Bobert
Bob finished third last year, so getting last in the draft order is stumble for him. Our pop culture expert, represented here by a DVD of “Starship Troopers,” emits a high pitched whine in protest, but is silenced by a nearby bug swatter.
10th pick -- Sam
If we were doing the draft order fair (reverse order of finish from last year), this is exactly where Sam would pick. So, good, I guess? Sam’s proxy, a stuffed bee that sorta looks like Pikachu, offers no fight to the news.
9th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Dammit, one of these years this screwy draft system is going to really benefit me, but it won’t be in 2013. My representative, the Awesome Cup that already bears my name thrice, glistens silently and comfortably on my imaginary mantle.
8th pick -- Jeff
Pretty sure Jeff got screwed here. He finished in the bottom of the pack and still ends up picking late. Still, the Blue Collar Killers’ stand in -- the marker that ruined the collar of my blue shirt -- appears undeterred.
7th pick -- Champ Mike
With Heidi AWOL again this season, Mike is Maryland’s only chance to bring back the Awesome Cup (Fort Awesome actually exists outside the state, under federal statute.) Mike’s rep, a one-legged Donovan McNabb bobblehead, laughs at the challenge.
6th pick -- Dad
The fantasy league hasn’t been kind to Dad in recent years, but can this year be different? Short answer: No. Long answer: No, but his proxy -- a copy of “Into Thin Air” -- displays an inspiring cover picture to try and cover the horrors inside.
5th pick -- Joel
Wait, Joel finished fifth last year? Really? And now he’s picking fifth. That’s karma. His stand-in, a poseable Brutus Buckeye, tilts slightly to the left in excitement before falling over in a pile of shame.
4th pick -- Jim
Ohio is fully accounted for yet again with Columbus’ premier political scribe’s entry into the draft order. His representative, Rand Paul appearing on Fox News, issues a determined but somehow soulless stare in response to the challenge.
3rd pick -- Joanner
Jo, who lives in the same home as the Awesome Cup champion and yet does not get to claim any ownership of said trophy, has a chance to redeem her miserable 2012 campaign with a high pick this year. Her representative, herself, asks why we go through this complicated and completely unseen draft process every year. She is immediately docked 50 points.
2nd pick -- Ant
And with the second pick, Anthony selects LaDanian Tomlinson. Again. You all know he’s going to. It’s already happened like five times in league history. Ant’s proxy, his godson, asks he can have more Fruity Cheerios before going to bed. Of course not. Cheerios are for winners.
1st pick -- Paul
Congrats to our own wide receiver support group leader on grabbing the coveted Adrian Peterson spot in this year’s draft. Or Calvin Johnson, if Paul is drunk that night. His stand-in, an old-time leather Eagles helmet, stiffens with pride at the early victory.
Get ready kids -- set your draft order by Friday night at 8, and I’ll switch the draft on sometime that evening. And then the beat downs begin.
And switch your team names to something new, if you haven’t already. Right now, Anthony has the best one by far.
Just a reminder, here's what you're all playing for:
