The Cardinals, the best team in the NFC right now, earlier this year lost to the Panthers.
The Panthers lost to the Giants.
The Giants lost to the Rams.
The Rams lost to the Titans.
The Titans lost to the Jets.
The Jets lost to the Falcons.
The Falcons lost to the Cowboys.
The Cowboys lost to the Buccaneers.
The Buccaneers lost to the Maryland nameless team.
The Maryland team lost to the Broncos.
The Broncos lost to the Raiders.
The Raiders lost to the Chiefs.
The Chiefs lost to the Chargers.
The Chargers lost to the Patriots.
The Patriots lost to the Dolphins.
The Dolphins lost to the Bills.
The Bills lost to the Jaguars.
The Jaguars lost to the Texans.
The Texans lost to the Colts.
The Colts lost to the Ravens.
The Ravens, the best team in the AFC so far, lost to the Bengals.
The Bengals lost to the Bears.
The Bears lost to the Browns.
The Browns lost to the Steelers.
The Steelers lost to the Packers.
The Packers lost to the Vikings.
The Vikings lost to the 49ers.
The 49ers lost to the Seahawks.
The Seahawks lost to the Saints.
The Saints lost to the Panthers, who we already noted beat the Cardinals.
And the Detroit Lions haven’t won a game yet this year.
So there you have it. Nobody is good enough to win the Super Bowl this year. Let’s just cancel it and move on to 2022.
QB: Josh Allen, 34.70 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Cordarrelle Patterson, 25.60 pts — started by me
RB: Leonard Fournette, 39.57 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Dawson Knox, 15.63 pts — on my bench
K: (tie) Daniel Carson, 21.00 pts — started by Jo
K: (tie) Nick Folk, 21.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Miami, 24.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Pat Surtain II, 13.00 pts — on the wire
Very quietly, Patterson has been the most destructive force in fantasy football this year. He’s the fourth best fantasy wide receiver on the season … unless you count him as an RB, a position in which he is also eligible, where he is the 8th best player. I’ve got him on two teams and have been mixing and matching each week he’s available, sometimes filling in open WR spots with a fourth RB, other times filling him back into those running back spots to get extra receivers in there. Atlanta is legitimately using him all over the field, but it all feels very unfair and I’m glad I’m the one benefitting from it all.
Before you feel any fleeting pity for Jo, her other defense — Denver — was the third-best on the week and scored 18 pts. Plus, she’s still in first place, so don’t feel bad for her ever.
“W/R” edition
3rd place: Demetric Felton, -0.06 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Khari Blasingame, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: J.J. Koski, -1.48 pts — on the wire
I’ll be saving all three of these for my quiz later this year titled “NFL players or what the scrabble tiles spelled out when I dropped them on the floor.
QBs across the league accounted for 43 passing TDs this week but also 37 turnovers (headlined by Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s stomach-turning four interception game on Sunday night.) Feels like a lot of folks just forgot how to play football this week. Maybe it was all the turkey.
** Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury has been rumored to be a candidate for the open University of Oklahoma football coach job (which in itself is dumb, because Arizona is the #1 seed in the NFC right now, so why would he leave?). When asked about it on Monday on Monday morning, this was his response:
"My sole focus the last couple weeks has been the Chicago Bears. After watching them on Thanksgiving, it needs to be, because they're a really good football team and had a big win, and so that's where my focus has been."
I don’t know if Kingsbury is interested or not, but c’mon, dude, don’t lie. The Bears are a terrible team and prevailing 16-13 over Detroit is not a big win. Just say “no comment” and move on.
** NBC aired a new holiday special “Five sleeps till Christmas” on Friday based on a children’s book written by Jimmy Fallon.
At the time it was broadcast, there were 29 more sleeps until Christmas morning.
Just feels like false advertising to me, that’s all.
** Following a bonkers blocked-XP-returned-for-two-points play in the Monday Night Football game, ESPN talking head Louis Riddick said the 9-9 score was stressful because “these are two teams that need this game … A win really is crucial if they want their season to be something.”
To be clear, the game featured the Seattle Seahawks, who came into the night with the second-worst record in the NFC, and the Maryland nameless team, who came into the night tied for the third-worst record in the NFC. Neither has any chance of making the playoffs, win or loss. The only way Riddick’s statement makes sense is if you assume he meant a win was crucial to ruining their chances at a better draft pick.
We all know some of these games are terrible. In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, don’t show me turd and claim it’s an iphone.
Texans owner Cal McNair: Thankful that the Jets and Lions are around, to help everyone forget about what a dumpster fire his team is.
Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady: Thankful that no one has found the vials of unicorn blood he takes daily to stay young.
Packers WR Equanimeous St. Brown: Thankful that his name doesn’t sound as dumb as his brother’s (Lions WR Amon Ra St. Brown).
Bills QB Josh Allen: Thankful every single time he drops back that the team brought in WR Stephon Diggs and other players with actual skills.
New Jersey Giants coach Joe Judge: Thankful that there are worse coaches in his division, so that will let him keep his job for a few more weeks.
Bengals QB Joe Burrow: Thankful that the Steelers decided to take this year off, giving them a chance at the playoffs.
Rams WR Odell Beckham Jr.: Thankful that teams always want to give him another chance, even though he hasn’t been good for four years.
Jaguars coach Urban Meyer: Thankful that the season only has seven games left.
No Dallas Thanksgiving game would be complete without the family tradition of taking cheap shots at others, so it’s no surprise that Thursday’s Cowboys/Raiders game included an ejection for CB Kelvin Joseph for punching an opposing player on the sideline after a punt return. Joseph is likely to face a hefty fine for the action, but it really should come as no surprise that it happened given what defensive player’s name clearly spells out:
Dallas rookie cornerback Kelvin Joseph
** Jerk: I love a spine crack. Blood risk, no heal.
“Blood risk” is actually one of the Cowboy’s favorite defensive schemes, but the league banned it last year by not allowing players to put razors in their gloves anymore.
** I lost all four games Dad and I picked different this week, giving him the lead in the season standings (at plus 1). Complete disaster for me in every phase of football over the last month, as I can’t get any games right and all three of my fantasy teams are in the bottom half of their leagues. I’m ready to call this year over.
** Congrats to the Wolverines for their big win over the Buckeyes this weekend, giving them a 2-15 record against Ohio State in the last 18 years. We’re all looking forward to this kind of celebration again in 2029.
** If you’re wondering why there were no Eagles mentions in this week’s recap, and why they were excluded from the list at the top of the column, it’s because I try to focus on professional football teams and professional football players here. Philadelphia currently has neither. Making jokes about them feels like making fun of sick children at this point.
Week 1 standings
1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1561.07 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1550.77 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1445.48 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1397.35 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1383.08 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1374.73 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1355.17 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1346.91 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1346.71 pts
10 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1341.08 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1252.95 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 901.27 pts
Ooooooh boy. Joanna stays in first place, but a mediocre week from her squad (still good enough for fifth place, though) and a huge 151-plus-pts performance by Jonathan’s team leaves him just 10.3 pts off the lead. The pair have more than 100 points between them and third place, and are starting to run away with the league. But which Fort Awesome resident will end up on top?
Speaking of awesome, shoutout to me for a solid second-place finish this week, pulling me back towards the middle of the pack. Dad’s slow climb back to relevance continues with a third-place finish this week. Meanwhile, Mike hasn’t topped 100 pts either of the last two weeks and continues to slide slowly back down the standings.
Did you hate having to watch the Cowboys on Thursday? Then I have great news for you — you get to hate it again this week! Dallas takes on the Saints in a non-weekend matchup again, their third of the year, because of reasons. Be sure to set your rosters early.
So there you have it. Nobody is good enough to win the Super Bowl this year. Let’s just cancel it and move on to 2022.
WR: Cordarrelle Patterson, 25.60 pts — started by me
RB: Leonard Fournette, 39.57 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Dawson Knox, 15.63 pts — on my bench
K: (tie) Daniel Carson, 21.00 pts — started by Jo
K: (tie) Nick Folk, 21.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: Miami, 24.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Pat Surtain II, 13.00 pts — on the wire
Very quietly, Patterson has been the most destructive force in fantasy football this year. He’s the fourth best fantasy wide receiver on the season … unless you count him as an RB, a position in which he is also eligible, where he is the 8th best player. I’ve got him on two teams and have been mixing and matching each week he’s available, sometimes filling in open WR spots with a fourth RB, other times filling him back into those running back spots to get extra receivers in there. Atlanta is legitimately using him all over the field, but it all feels very unfair and I’m glad I’m the one benefitting from it all.
Before you feel any fleeting pity for Jo, her other defense — Denver — was the third-best on the week and scored 18 pts. Plus, she’s still in first place, so don’t feel bad for her ever.
“W/R” edition3rd place: Demetric Felton, -0.06 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Khari Blasingame, -1.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: J.J. Koski, -1.48 pts — on the wire
I’ll be saving all three of these for my quiz later this year titled “NFL players or what the scrabble tiles spelled out when I dropped them on the floor.
QBs across the league accounted for 43 passing TDs this week but also 37 turnovers (headlined by Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s stomach-turning four interception game on Sunday night.) Feels like a lot of folks just forgot how to play football this week. Maybe it was all the turkey.
** Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury has been rumored to be a candidate for the open University of Oklahoma football coach job (which in itself is dumb, because Arizona is the #1 seed in the NFC right now, so why would he leave?). When asked about it on Monday on Monday morning, this was his response:
"My sole focus the last couple weeks has been the Chicago Bears. After watching them on Thanksgiving, it needs to be, because they're a really good football team and had a big win, and so that's where my focus has been."
I don’t know if Kingsbury is interested or not, but c’mon, dude, don’t lie. The Bears are a terrible team and prevailing 16-13 over Detroit is not a big win. Just say “no comment” and move on.
** NBC aired a new holiday special “Five sleeps till Christmas” on Friday based on a children’s book written by Jimmy Fallon.
At the time it was broadcast, there were 29 more sleeps until Christmas morning.
Just feels like false advertising to me, that’s all.
** Following a bonkers blocked-XP-returned-for-two-points play in the Monday Night Football game, ESPN talking head Louis Riddick said the 9-9 score was stressful because “these are two teams that need this game … A win really is crucial if they want their season to be something.”
To be clear, the game featured the Seattle Seahawks, who came into the night with the second-worst record in the NFC, and the Maryland nameless team, who came into the night tied for the third-worst record in the NFC. Neither has any chance of making the playoffs, win or loss. The only way Riddick’s statement makes sense is if you assume he meant a win was crucial to ruining their chances at a better draft pick.
We all know some of these games are terrible. In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, don’t show me turd and claim it’s an iphone.
Here’s what NFL notables are thankful for this year:
Texans owner Cal McNair: Thankful that the Jets and Lions are around, to help everyone forget about what a dumpster fire his team is.
Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady: Thankful that no one has found the vials of unicorn blood he takes daily to stay young.
Packers WR Equanimeous St. Brown: Thankful that his name doesn’t sound as dumb as his brother’s (Lions WR Amon Ra St. Brown).
Bills QB Josh Allen: Thankful every single time he drops back that the team brought in WR Stephon Diggs and other players with actual skills.
New Jersey Giants coach Joe Judge: Thankful that there are worse coaches in his division, so that will let him keep his job for a few more weeks.
Bengals QB Joe Burrow: Thankful that the Steelers decided to take this year off, giving them a chance at the playoffs.
Rams WR Odell Beckham Jr.: Thankful that teams always want to give him another chance, even though he hasn’t been good for four years.
Jaguars coach Urban Meyer: Thankful that the season only has seven games left.
No Dallas Thanksgiving game would be complete without the family tradition of taking cheap shots at others, so it’s no surprise that Thursday’s Cowboys/Raiders game included an ejection for CB Kelvin Joseph for punching an opposing player on the sideline after a punt return. Joseph is likely to face a hefty fine for the action, but it really should come as no surprise that it happened given what defensive player’s name clearly spells out: Dallas rookie cornerback Kelvin Joseph
** Jerk: I love a spine crack. Blood risk, no heal.
“Blood risk” is actually one of the Cowboy’s favorite defensive schemes, but the league banned it last year by not allowing players to put razors in their gloves anymore.
** I lost all four games Dad and I picked different this week, giving him the lead in the season standings (at plus 1). Complete disaster for me in every phase of football over the last month, as I can’t get any games right and all three of my fantasy teams are in the bottom half of their leagues. I’m ready to call this year over. ** Congrats to the Wolverines for their big win over the Buckeyes this weekend, giving them a 2-15 record against Ohio State in the last 18 years. We’re all looking forward to this kind of celebration again in 2029.
** If you’re wondering why there were no Eagles mentions in this week’s recap, and why they were excluded from the list at the top of the column, it’s because I try to focus on professional football teams and professional football players here. Philadelphia currently has neither. Making jokes about them feels like making fun of sick children at this point.
Week 1 standings
1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1561.07 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1550.77 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1445.48 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1397.35 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1383.08 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1374.73 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1355.17 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1346.91 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1346.71 pts
10 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1341.08 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1252.95 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 901.27 pts
Ooooooh boy. Joanna stays in first place, but a mediocre week from her squad (still good enough for fifth place, though) and a huge 151-plus-pts performance by Jonathan’s team leaves him just 10.3 pts off the lead. The pair have more than 100 points between them and third place, and are starting to run away with the league. But which Fort Awesome resident will end up on top?
Speaking of awesome, shoutout to me for a solid second-place finish this week, pulling me back towards the middle of the pack. Dad’s slow climb back to relevance continues with a third-place finish this week. Meanwhile, Mike hasn’t topped 100 pts either of the last two weeks and continues to slide slowly back down the standings.
Did you hate having to watch the Cowboys on Thursday? Then I have great news for you — you get to hate it again this week! Dallas takes on the Saints in a non-weekend matchup again, their third of the year, because of reasons. Be sure to set your rosters early.
1 comment:
I have to disagree with Captn Awesome in his evaluation of the Eagles. The Eagles do have talent, it's just that the coaching staff has no idea what it is. I don't know of any rule that says you can't run the ball 75% of the time when your opponent can't stop the run. Maybe there is a "mercy rule" in Pee Wee football but I don't think the pros have that rule. The Eagles have a great run blocking offensive line but the coaches are not intelligent enough to recognize it. Without the current coaching staff, the Eagles would be 8-4 and right in the playoff picture. Oh, btw, Jalen Hurts is a good QB. Not elite but good. He had a bad week.
Post a Comment