A long, long time ago
I can still remember when the football used to make me smile.
And I knew if teams had the chance
They could make the ball advance
And make the fans be happy for a while
But November Sundays made me shiver
With the shoddy product teams delivered
Bad news struck a new tone
They couldn’t find the end zone
I can’t remember if I cried
As my fantasy team shot down my pride
Something was wrong with the lines
The day the offense died
Did you see the Bills at one
And do you have faith in god above
If he allows a Jag’s upset?
Now do you believe the final score
Neither team hit double digits, or
Had a touchdown, in regulation, get set.
Well I know the Packers were quite thin
With Rodgers having the covid
The Chiefs can’t plant their shoes
Bet the over, you would lose
It was a lonely off week for the Bucs
So their scoring remained out of luck
But who knew the Cowboys would just suck
The day the offense died
I saw the Rams just sing the blues
And I asked how they could really lose
With the Titans barely getting 20
I went down to the game box score
Where I’d seen some points come out before
But Bengals said that 16 was just plenty
And in the streets the Panthers screamed
The Niners cried, and the Texans dreamed
But not a cheer was spoken
The scoring sheets were broken
And the Colts, who scored the very most
Played on Thursday, watched by ghosts
They head next week to Florida’s coast
Unless their offense dies.
So bye, bye weeks of seeing points fly
Extra games are making players skill sets just die
And the better teams, they just won’t even try
Until they can get some rest from their bye
(By the way, in case it wasn’t clear, the lyrics above are all about the death of Buddy Holly, probably)
WR: Elijah Moore, 21.20 pts — started by Jeff
RB: James Conner, 35.23 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Pat Freiermuth, 17.37 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
K: Brandon McManus, 13.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 23.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Xavier McKinney, 13.00 pts — on the wire
If you had this lineup as your daily fantasy entry, you deserve all the money you won. Beyond Jackson, that’s the no-name Olympics up there.
Three of the top seven players this week came from that bonkers 45-30 Colts vs. Jets contest on Thursday night: RB Jonathan Taylor (32.07 pts), QB Carson Wentz (30.18 pts) and QB Josh Johnson (30.48 pts), who came on in relief after the Jets starting QB … Mike White? Oh yeah, that guy who we couldn’t identify last week. I was wondering what team he was on. Anyways, the Jets had two ridiculously good games from QB in consecutive weeks, so keep an eye out for the four horsemen in the next few days.
“My guys” edition3rd place: Calvin Ridley, 0.00 pts — on my bench
2nd place: Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by me
1st place: Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — on my bench
Fair is fair — I pile on all of you when you start bottom feeders, so it’s only right when I point out that I had two of the three worst players on the week taking up space on my roster. Only the Jets defense managed a lower score this week (-5.00 pts), and that only half counts because they played on Thursday night, where football stats go to die.
Just missing the cut was Panthers QB Sam Darnold, who lived on my bench for a while in another league and returned the truly awful line against the Patriots on Sunday of 172 passing yds, no TDs, three INTs and a hopping 1.78 fantasy pts. Yahoo fantasy’s recap of his weekend stated that “it's a major upset Darnold made it 60 minutes, as he was the worst player on the field for either team this afternoon.”
** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt apparently has an entire monthly show related to “bad beats” now. For the uninitiated, bad beats are when a game appears to have one outcome for bettors, but in the final minutes of the contest, the result switches. Think the Jaguars scoring a last-second touchdown to cover a betting spread.
The fact that there’s an entire show devoted to this is ridiculous in and of itself, but I tuned in a for a few minutes on Friday and saw Van Pelt talking about the Campbell vs. Gardner-Webb football game on Oct. 9. Gardner Webb was favored by 9 points, and the game was tied after three quarters. Campbell ended up scoring twice in the fourth quarter to pull off the win. Van Pelt called it a “bad beat” for everyone who had money on the game.
First, that’s not a bad beat. That’s an upset. It’s not like Gardner Webb was up by 20 and blew the lead in the last five minutes. They got beaten. That’s how sports work.
Second, who the hell is betting on Gardner Webb and Campbell? None of you had heard of either of these schools before you read the previous two paragraphs. How many people were putting serious money down on this game between two (checks notes) Big South Conference members?
I guess the answer is “the gambling degenerates who are watching ESPN’s bad beats show,” but still.
** At halftime of Touchdown Radio’s broadcast of Saturday’s Ohio State/Nebraska game, analyst K. C. Jones was asked his opinion of what both teams needed to do to win the close contest. Jones said Nebraska “needed to get back to running the ball, doing what they do well” and that Ohio State “needed to control the line of scrimmage and dominate the running game.”
At that point, Ohio State had rushed for 55 yards but was leading by a touchdown. Nebraska had rushed for 15 yards on 19 attempts. Ohio State won the game … by rushing for 35 more yards and passing for 168 more, almost double their first-half total.
Bad analysis is always part of football announcing. Without it, I wouldn’t rant here every week. But Jones is a former college and NFL center from the 1990s. Every answer from guys like him is “run the ball” or “do what I used to do.” Maybe we could think about updating a few analysts who have watched football in the last 20 years and know what today’s game is about instead?
** Aaron Rodgers, man. Aaron Rogers.
QB #1: 9 starts, 2,198 passing yds, 17 TDs, 3 INTs, 100.1 QB rating
QB #2: 9 starts, 1,883 passing yds, 13 TDs, 11 INTs, 72.8 QB rating
QB #3: 9 starts, 1,981 passing yds, 11 TDs, 4 INTs, 90.9 rating
QB #2, who is clearly a train wreck that can’t be saved, Carson Wentz with the Eagles in 2020. QB #3 is his replacement in 2021, Jalen Hurts, who has better stats, albeit the same losing record. But QB #1, the solid-looking starter, is Carson Wentz with the Colts this year, calling into question whether the problem was the failed first-round pick or just the absolute disaster that has been this team’s receiving corps and offensive scheme.
WR #1: 29 games, 114 catches, 1,586 receiving yds, 7 TDs
WR #2: 28 games, 137 catches, 1,532 receiving yds, 12 TDs
WR #3: 26 games, 109 catches, 1,594 receiving yds, 13 TDs
WR #3 is Eagles/Raiders/Patriots starter Nelson Agholor over the last three seasons, an up-and-down player who no one would consider in the top half of reliable receivers in the NFL. WR #2 is Jets wideout Jamison Crowder, who you couldn’t identify if he ran you over on a bike while wearing his jersey. WR #1 is supposed superstar Odell Beckham Jr., who has been part of a solid Browns offense the last three years that apparently was succeeding despite his play, not because of it.
RB #1: 23 games, 1,605 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #2: 35 games, 1,985 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #3: 24 games, 2,964 rushing yds, 27 TDs
RB #3 is Titans star Derrick Henry over the last two years, which is admittedly so ridiculously better than everyone else that it defies comparisons. RB #2 is Eagles RB Miles Sanders for his entire three-year NFL career thus far, accumulating only about 60 percent of Henry’s output in 11 more games. RB #1 is also a better running back than Sanders, which is disappointing, because that’s not a running back but Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s rushing line over the last two seasons.
QB #1: 8 games, 2,650 passing yds, 25 passing TDs
QB #2: Zero games, zero yds, zero passing TDs
QB #1 is Bucs signal caller Tom Brady, who is the favorite to win another MVP this season. QB #2 is Tom Brady if they had booted his cheating mug from the league years ago, like they should have.
Dallas WR Noah Brown has been with the Cowboys for five years but used sparingly so far this season, with only seven catches in six appearances. At least part of the problem is that the team still doesn’t have a good handle on who Brown is and what his football makeup could be. But that’s not all their fault — a quick look at the letters in Brown’s own name shows he can’t figure out his personal identity crisis:
Wideout Noah Brown
** Who? A buried wonton
** Who? A urine town bod
** Who? A bowed nun riot
** Who? A trowed bunion
** Who? A inbred nut. Woo!
All riots are bad, but nun riots are particularly dangerous, what with all the rulers and crosses.
Full disclosure, Brown’s name also anagrams to “who? A brownie donut” but that sounds delicious so I didn’t include it here.
** Bad slip this week as I lost both of my picks this week to Dad. That leaves me up six after nine weeks, but feeling a little less steady after the loss of momentum. I really can’t get a read on the Browns at all.
** Delaware blew the doors off FCS #23 William and Mary this week which … I think is good? If you thought the FBS rankings were a mess, you should look at the lower divisions. Anyways, the Blue Hens are 5-4 and might have a chance at something maybe I dunno we’ll see.
** My apologies, I know I skipped a few verses in the song, but I felt like the entire column was getting a little overwhelming. But I do have a full “Alice’s Restaurant” rewrite planned for a few weeks from now, and I won’t skimp on a single line.
Week 9 standings
1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,174.76 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,120.82 pts
3 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,117.76 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,093.55 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,076.33 pts
6 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1,075.26 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,075.10 pts
8 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1,055.83 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,040.84 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,015.32 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 922.96 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 688.85 pts
Only five teams topped 100 fantasy pts this week, a testament to how off the normal scoring was. Jo managed to come out on top with 133.81, putting more distance between her and second place. Her 50-plus-pts lead is the largest of the season, just as we hit the halfway point of the too-long 18-game schedule.
Mom D and Jonathan remain locked in silver and bronze position, but don’t sleep on Joel sneaking up the standings. After that it’s a crap shoot, with a bunch of teams circling each other for supremacy of the middle of the pack. Dad remains snarled behind, and Paul remains dead.
Ravens and Dolphins play Thursday night, which would be an interesting match-up if we were talking about actual animals fighting, but less so with these two teams. Get your lineups set anyway.
QB #2: 9 starts, 1,883 passing yds, 13 TDs, 11 INTs, 72.8 QB rating
QB #3: 9 starts, 1,981 passing yds, 11 TDs, 4 INTs, 90.9 rating
QB #2, who is clearly a train wreck that can’t be saved, Carson Wentz with the Eagles in 2020. QB #3 is his replacement in 2021, Jalen Hurts, who has better stats, albeit the same losing record. But QB #1, the solid-looking starter, is Carson Wentz with the Colts this year, calling into question whether the problem was the failed first-round pick or just the absolute disaster that has been this team’s receiving corps and offensive scheme.
WR #1: 29 games, 114 catches, 1,586 receiving yds, 7 TDs
WR #2: 28 games, 137 catches, 1,532 receiving yds, 12 TDs
WR #3: 26 games, 109 catches, 1,594 receiving yds, 13 TDs
WR #3 is Eagles/Raiders/Patriots starter Nelson Agholor over the last three seasons, an up-and-down player who no one would consider in the top half of reliable receivers in the NFL. WR #2 is Jets wideout Jamison Crowder, who you couldn’t identify if he ran you over on a bike while wearing his jersey. WR #1 is supposed superstar Odell Beckham Jr., who has been part of a solid Browns offense the last three years that apparently was succeeding despite his play, not because of it.
RB #1: 23 games, 1,605 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #2: 35 games, 1,985 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #3: 24 games, 2,964 rushing yds, 27 TDs
RB #3 is Titans star Derrick Henry over the last two years, which is admittedly so ridiculously better than everyone else that it defies comparisons. RB #2 is Eagles RB Miles Sanders for his entire three-year NFL career thus far, accumulating only about 60 percent of Henry’s output in 11 more games. RB #1 is also a better running back than Sanders, which is disappointing, because that’s not a running back but Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s rushing line over the last two seasons.
QB #1: 8 games, 2,650 passing yds, 25 passing TDs
QB #2: Zero games, zero yds, zero passing TDs
QB #1 is Bucs signal caller Tom Brady, who is the favorite to win another MVP this season. QB #2 is Tom Brady if they had booted his cheating mug from the league years ago, like they should have.
Dallas WR Noah Brown has been with the Cowboys for five years but used sparingly so far this season, with only seven catches in six appearances. At least part of the problem is that the team still doesn’t have a good handle on who Brown is and what his football makeup could be. But that’s not all their fault — a quick look at the letters in Brown’s own name shows he can’t figure out his personal identity crisis:
Wideout Noah Brown
** Who? A buried wonton
** Who? A urine town bod
** Who? A bowed nun riot
** Who? A trowed bunion
** Who? A inbred nut. Woo!
All riots are bad, but nun riots are particularly dangerous, what with all the rulers and crosses.
Full disclosure, Brown’s name also anagrams to “who? A brownie donut” but that sounds delicious so I didn’t include it here.
** Bad slip this week as I lost both of my picks this week to Dad. That leaves me up six after nine weeks, but feeling a little less steady after the loss of momentum. I really can’t get a read on the Browns at all. ** Delaware blew the doors off FCS #23 William and Mary this week which … I think is good? If you thought the FBS rankings were a mess, you should look at the lower divisions. Anyways, the Blue Hens are 5-4 and might have a chance at something maybe I dunno we’ll see.
** My apologies, I know I skipped a few verses in the song, but I felt like the entire column was getting a little overwhelming. But I do have a full “Alice’s Restaurant” rewrite planned for a few weeks from now, and I won’t skimp on a single line.
Week 9 standings 1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,174.76 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,120.82 pts
3 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,117.76 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,093.55 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,076.33 pts
6 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1,075.26 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,075.10 pts
8 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1,055.83 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,040.84 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,015.32 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 922.96 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 688.85 pts
Only five teams topped 100 fantasy pts this week, a testament to how off the normal scoring was. Jo managed to come out on top with 133.81, putting more distance between her and second place. Her 50-plus-pts lead is the largest of the season, just as we hit the halfway point of the too-long 18-game schedule.
Mom D and Jonathan remain locked in silver and bronze position, but don’t sleep on Joel sneaking up the standings. After that it’s a crap shoot, with a bunch of teams circling each other for supremacy of the middle of the pack. Dad remains snarled behind, and Paul remains dead.
Ravens and Dolphins play Thursday night, which would be an interesting match-up if we were talking about actual animals fighting, but less so with these two teams. Get your lineups set anyway.
1 comment:
Great Song, I wish I could say that about my team. lol Dad Shane
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