But first — I promised a mystery coach in the last post, and that manager is … another ghost. Sam has opted to step away from the competition for this season, which leaves us with 10 teams still on the field. Rather than muck up that nice number, that’s what we’ll stick with. The good news is your odds of winning just jumped from 8 percent to 10 percent! The bad news is your available excuses for failure have decreased.
Onto the final season standings (probably):
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 1993.42 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1851.13 pts, 10th place
There’s nothing really wrong with Joel’s team — three solid RBs, three solid WRs, a Pro-Bowl-level QB. I just hate most of those players. QB Drake Maye? Got lucky last year. WR Drake London? Has to catch passes from the worst QBs in the league. RB Travis Etienne? Do we have to watch the Saints this season? The karma on this team just feels funky, sort of like WR Ladd McConkey’s name. Do be surprised if the negative chemistry ends up sending this squad all McConkey by season’s end.
Vert der Ferks (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 1975.85 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 1944.34 pts, 9th place
Another year, another team where Anthony forgot to block all the Cowboys on his pre-draft rankings list. So while we have a perfectly reasonable group here, the truth is that Ant will look to sabotage his own squad every time he logs in and sees WR CeeDee Lamb and RB Javonte Williams starting back at him. It’s even more upsetting when you see the formidable Eagles Defense backing them up. And he even has TE Jake “Turd” Ferguson on his bench again. It’s a real mess.
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1849.96 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
I’m just gonna say it, I think Jeff hates the north. Most of his team plays way below the Mason-Dixon line: Four Jacksonville teammates, two Texas players, Tampa WR Emeka Egbuka, the Rams defense. Does LA count as the south? Even his northern players have a southern bent — WR Ja’Marr Chase plays in Cincinnati, or as the locals call it, south Ohio. Probably. It should be noted I never visited there the whole time I lived in Columbus.
It's a Real Saquondary (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 1936.75 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2051.77 pts, 7th place
I’m taking pity on Bob and not ranking his team in the top spot this season, but it’s only because I don’t like the players he has. QB Jayden Daniels has bust written all over him. Super Bowl MVP Kenneth Walker III isn’t going to have rushing success in an Andy Reid rushing attack. TE Kyle Pitts shows up for three games a year max. RB Breece Hall plays for the Jets. That’s all a tough hill to climb.
No Lemon Drops (Pop)
Yahoo ranking: 1839.44 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 2145.45 pts, 6th place
Solid name from Dad, and I’m dumbfounded why the computer experts are so down on this team. He’s got fantasy superstar QB Josh Allen. He’s got RB Saquon Barkley and WR Justin Jefferson, both solid performers. He’s got sleeper TE star Harold Fannin Jr. He’s got good potential in TE Sam LaPorta. He’s got reliability in TE Travis Kelce. He’s got potential in TE Mark Andrews … oh, wait, I see it now. At least he can run a lot of triple TE sets.
Death by Chickens (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 1881.82 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2195.47 pts, 5th place
The boy has finished in one of the top two spots each of the last three years, but it’ll be more of a struggle this season. He has assembled the all-injury all-stars: QB Joe Burrow, WR Malik Nabers, TE George Kittle and RB Jonathon Brook all missed significant time last year on the IR. At least he’s got RB Christian McCaffrey as a solid bet, right? I mean, that guy never gets hurt…
Intravenous de Milo (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 1964.77, 5th place
My ranking: 2239.82 pts, 4th place
The supporting cast looks great here: RBs Jonathan Taylor and Chase Brown, WRs DeVonta Smith and Jaylen Waddle, TE Tyler Warren and the Lions DEF. But everything hinges on QB Justin Herbert, who has a reputation as an elite quarterback despite never doing anything elite. He finished as the #2 fantasy QB in 2021 and hasn’t finished inside the top 10 since then. But maybe this is the year that Chargers Coach Jim Harbaugh can find a way to unlock his potential through cheating, like he did at Michigan.
Center City Brownout (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2013.78 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2283.44 pts, 3rd place
Well, crap. Every year I rant on here how the Yahoo predictions are complete and utter garbage, and now the algorithm likes my team the most. That’s a bad, bad sign. It should be noted that I have an all-Pro QB (Lamar Jackson), two killer fantasy RBs (James Cook and DeVon Achane) the top fantasy TE from last year (Trey McBride), and a pair of defensive studs (Maxx Crosby and Myles Garrett), so I understand the computer’s reasoning. But part of me worries that if I succeed, I’ll be validating the stupid computer. Will that hold back my coaching genius? We will see.
Zeus the Fluffy (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1881.83 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2344.32 pts, 2nd place
At the risk of causing problems in my own home, this looks like a solid team to me. QB Jalen Hurts facing down his doubters. RBs Omarion Hampton and Quinshon Judkins quietly amassing fantasy points. A wide receiving corps that has Puka Nacua, Chris Olave, Tetairoa McMillan, Luther Burden III before we get to the bench? And the Broncos DEF, which could be the best in the NFL. This is a solid team, and the algorithm hates it. I couldn’t be more confident this will all work out.
DeVonta’s Inferno (Grandmom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2010.39, 2nd place
My ranking: 2417.01 pts, 1st place
The only thing better than a stable of stud wideouts — like Jo’s team — is a stable of stud RBs, which this team boasts. Bijan Robinson, D'Andre Swift, Jadarian Price and MarShawn Lloyd will all get a chance to play. TE Brock Bowers could have a huge bounce back season. WR AJ Brown is probably gonna break out Philly hearts. And QB Matt Stafford — all 87 years of him — is back for one more ride with one of the best offenses in the league. All the pieces are here for Grandmom to succeed and claim her first title. No pressure.
There you have it, folks. The Eagles open the season on Sunday, but the Patriots and Seahawks square off in the opener on WEDNESDAY followed by an Australia game on Thursday evening. Hey, you had six months not to watch pro football. Now get ready for it all the time, whenever it’s least convenient.
Get those rosters set, and good luck.
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