Fantasy football 2025 -- Family Cup draft order announcement

The ShaneDoyleQuinnGarrity Family Cup fantasy league is officially back for its second season, bringing our four houses back again to the field of battle to answer which bloodline remains the finest at … randomly guessing which professional athletes will collect the best statistics. Honestly, the stakes could not be any higher.

In case you forgot how our inaugural season finished, House Doyle (Mike, Lexi and Ollie) etched their family name into the championship trophy, while Jim managed to bring honor to Team Garrity by winning the individual title. Everyone is back again this year, and the team mascots are present for the official draft order selection ceremony at Fort Awesome.

First, a little clarity on the draft order rules. Each house will pick in reverse order of finish from last year (Team Quinn, Team Shane, Team Garrity and Team Doyle) to ensure balance among all of the families. That means not two teammates will pick back-to-back. All of Team Quinn and 2/3rds of Team Shane are present for the selection ceremony, but none of them will be allowed to pick any names out of the Sorting Helmet. Instead, that honor will fall to Joanna, who will likely be rooting against all of our teams soon enough as she has to put up with me running two leagues of nonsense.

All of the house mascots are ready to cheer for their warriors, so let us dive in:

Pick #12 — Mike (Team Doyle)

A mighty squeal goes up from Team Doyle’s Cunning Axolotl, which embodies the family’s spirit of adaptability and strategic prowess. Mike finished second in the standings last year, so any sensible system would have had him picking low this season. But this is not a competition for the sensible, it is a competition of passion and heart, so the next pick goes to…

Pick #11 — Shelly (Team Garrity) 

Team Garrity’s striking mascot, the Skittish Emu, emits a loud drumming noise as a sign of warning to the other families. Shelly finished fourth in the league last year — not good enough for a medal, but that’s ok because we never gave out any medals. She’ll have to rise above her draft position to repeat this season. The next name out of the helmet belongs to…

Pick #10 — Pop Shane (Team Shane) 

The Noble Otter of Team Shane spins onto his back and beats his belly in a confident challenge to the other families who have dismissed his family’s chances this season. Pop finished a disappointing ninth in the league last year but first in the Awesome Cup competition, so maybe that success can translate better for his whole clan this season. Our last family now gets its first player onto the board:

Pick #9 — Tommy (Team Quinn) 

That high-pitched clicking noise you are hearing is the battle cry of Team Quinn’s animal spirit, the Aggressive Anteater. This family failed to place any teams in the top half of the standings last season, but they have been scouring the football headlines for advantages the whole offseason, like their anteater has been vacuuming the ground for morsels to eat. Ignore them at your peril. Speaking of peril, the next player on the draft order is …

Pick #8 — Lexi (Team Doyle)

Team Doyle’s mascot is also named Lexi, so this is going to be a confusing situation throughout the year. Her team finished first in the regular season but third in the playoffs, so she’ll be looking to swim to another strong finish with the help of her team. Unfortunately, her whole team is one hour behind the rest of the football world in Wisconsin, so they’ll always be trying to catch up. Onto the next family:

Pick #7 — Jimmy (Team Garrity)
Jimmy was the only member of Team Garrity not to make the playoffs next year, but he’ll have to redeem himself from the back half of the draft. The emu has started pecking at the axolotl’s tank, so we could have a major problem here soon. Moving quickly along…

Pick #6 — Emma (Team Shane)
The otter applauds the selection by attempting to wash the draft slip on its belly. Emma’s team was the hard-luck loser for most of last year, finishing 1-11-1 in the regular season but 2-1 in the loser bracket playoffs. Five names remain in the helmet …

Pick #5 — Shane (Team Quinn)
Our most confusing coach — Shane is on Team Quinn, not on Team Shane, obviously — will pick on the earlier end of the draft. That’s assuming he survives the anteater, who has started licking everything in the hopes of finding protein. Our final representatives from each house are all that is left in the pile. Next up:

Pick #4 — Ollie (Team Doyle)

Ollie becomes the standard bearer for his family, grabbing the top pick available to his clan. The house axolotl smiles in approval. Actually, it’s hard to tell, those weird little salamanders always look like they are smiling. Onto the final three names…

Pick #3 — Jim (Team Garrity)
Last year’s champion wins again — Jim snags a high selection which will get him pretty much anyone but RBs Jahmyr Gibbs or Bijan Robinson (unless other coaches make weird picks). His house emu bobs its head in response, then goes searching for grasshoppers to eat. Another name out of the helmet, and our draft runner up is …

Pick #2 — Jonathan (Team Shane)
The youngest Awesome Cup champion in league history had a tougher road in this league last year, but getting the second selection in the draft should help in year two. The otter tosses a clam his way for good luck. The animals have turned this place into a disaster. Let’s wrap this up with our final coach:

Pick #1 — Grandmom Shane (Team Quinn)
Both Grandmom and the house anteater glance around the room, trying to remember how the Garrity-turned-Shane landed in Team Quinn. No matter. Whatever her allegiance, she gets the top pick in this year’s draft, setting up her team and house for success.

The draft is set, folks. The order is getting put into the system your player rankings need to be squared away ASAP. Now is the time to block all those Cowboys from getting on your roster. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime after Friday night (Sept. 4) so don’t delay.

Just like the Fast and the Furious movies, this league is all about family. Don’t crash and burn. Remember what you are fighting for: