Team: I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 285.46 pts
Real finish: 12th, 0 pts
Just a public FYI here — I really didn’t want anyone’s team to be ruined by drafting Andrew Luck in the first round, so I found a way to stop that. Good old Joey McDeadAccount has a team of keepers that includes Luck, Lamar Miller and other players on the IR for the season, to help keep any of those from slipping through the autodraft system. Amazingly, Yahoo still seems to think that some of these players will return from the grave to score about 300 pts. As always, Yahoo is wrong. But if one of these players happens to turn into a relevant fantasy asset, I’ll cut them loose.
Team: Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 2150.11 pts
Real finish: 11th, 1755.43 pts
Another swing and miss by Yahoo. Sam’s squad is dependent on RB Ezekiel Elliott (currently holding out), QB Cam Newton (one play away from major injury), WR Christian Kirk (overrated player on an overrated offense) and RB Derrick Henry (always a disappointment). Plus he has Dak Prescott lurking, and two prominent Cowboys gets you a low ranking in the pre-season projections.
Team: Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1855.48 pts
Real finish: 10th, 1805.48 pts
Joel’s bid for a third consecutive strong season will apparently take place without any running backs. He only has three on his roster, and only one of them — Kerryon Johnson — is on the same team as last year. Miles Sanders is a rookie, LeSean McCoy just got cut from the Bills. Can Joel win with shaky QB Jameis Winston and a collection of solid receivers? I mean, it didn’t work for the Bucs last year, so…
Team: Peabody and Sherman (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 2161.96 pts
Real finish: 9th, 1865.56 pts
It’s the all question mark team! Will RB Melvin Gordon play? Will RB Todd Gurley’s arthritic knees hold up? Will RB Marlon Mack survive in an offense without Andrew Luck? Who are all these WRs (DJ Moore, Corey Davis, Sterling Shepard)? How is 727-year-old TE Kyle Rudolph still alive? I’d drop Dad’s projection down lower, but he snagged QB Pat Mahomes, and that alone is enough to keep him out of the bottom spot. Maybe.
Team: SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1943.33 pts
Real finish: 8th, 1934.44 pts
Something about this team feels off. RBs Saquon Barkley and Chris Carson are a formidable 1-2 punch. QB Matt Ryan and WR Mike Evans are both solid. Maybe the problem is that Mike ended up with three TEs? Or maybe I just hate Leonard Fournette that much and I think his infectious sucking will pull everyone else down. Also, Mike drafted a DE named Lenny Jones, and that was the runner up name for my fake account.
Team: Philly Special (Jo)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 2074.27 pts
Real finish: 7th, 1999.98 pts
The important thing here is that Joanna put her money where her mouth is — she made sure to snag QB Nick Foles as her top passer because winning matters. I mean, it doesn’t in fantasy, but it does in your heart (unless your heart is playing fantasy). She also boasts two top five wideouts — JuJu Smith-Schuster and DeAndre Hopkins — and the one-and-only TE Zack Ertz. There’s not much to speak about on the RB front, but we’ve seen Foles overcome that before.
Team: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1952.10 pts
Real finish: 6th, 2001.97 pts
Having RB Nick Chubb and QB Baker Mayfield on the same squad feels like too much Cleveland, but at least the franchise is known for consistent success. WRs Tyreek Hill and Keenan Allen are the best combo west of the Mississippi, and S Clayton Fejedelem has the most fun name now that DT Aziz Shittu is on injured reserve (you didn’t know he was hurt? I Shittu not.) Jeff is probably not going to update his roster for half the season, but at least his baseline starters are solid.
Team: We love the mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1986.63 pts
Real finish: 5th, 2051.01 pts
For a team that loves the dirt, there’s a lack of RBs here. David Johnson and Devonta Freeman are solid, but Mom is only sporting one other runner on her squad (Derrius Guice, who has never played a down before). Her WR stable is scary though — Michael Thomas, TY Hilton, Tyler Lockett and Mike Williams could all finish in the top 15, and Marvin Jones and Geronimo Allison could be starters on another team. K Ka'imi Fairbairn and LB Nick Kwiatkoski help her out in the crazy name Olympics but Fejedelem still seems so much more fun…
Team: For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 2010.85 pts
Real finish: 4th, 2087.21 pts
Anthony did the perfect coupling of his team name and his roster, grabbing Carson Wentz in the 8th round (for shame, all of you). He has an Amari-Cooper-sized issue at WR, but wideouts Julio Jones and Stefon Diggs should help moderate that. RB Dalvin Cook will be great if he can stay alive past week 3 and RB Duke Johnson is suddenly the top dog in a potent Texans offense. And if he gets in trouble, Ant has Trey Burton on the bench to thrown in for a trick play or two.
Team: McKnown or Never (Capt Awesome)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 2027.95 pts
Real finish: 3rd, 2112.21 pts
Now we’re talking. Three stud RBs — James Conner, Lev Bell and Josh Jacobs — paired with QB Lamar Jackson means I should lead the league in rushing yards. And that’s really what we’re all after here, isn’t it? My wideout trio of Robert Woods, Jarvis Landry and Alshon Jeffery should all be pro-bowlers by year’s end. And I’ll probably cut RB Jordan Howard and WR DeSean Jackson in the first month of the season, because who needs frustrating complimentary Eagles players with so many other solid starters.
Team: Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 2051.85 pts
Real finish: 2nd, 2230.77 pts
Do I like Bob’s team? Or am I just trolling him into another disappointing finish? I think his top three of RB Christian McCaffery, WR Antonio Brown and WR Adam Thielen may be underrated. QB Jared Goff is going to have a lot of TDs. The Chicago Defense is the most reliable thing on the other side of the ball, and WR Dede Westbrook and RB Kenyand Drake coming off the bench will surprise. The only downside is his selection of the dessicated corpse of QB Tom Brady, who we all hope will retire before November.
Team: Ready 4 TACKLEBALL (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 2017.22 pts
Real finish: 1st, 2255.88 pts
Congrats to Paul on getting my kiss of death — This team looks great. Two solid RBs (Alvin Kamara and Joe Mixon), a top-tier QB (Deshaun Watson), a sneaky WR base (Julian Edelman and Robby Anderson) and two more wild-card players with big potential (Damien Williams and Josh Gordon). Throw QB phenom Kyler Murray on the bench and a few lucky breaks in the back end (I guess Devin Singletary is the starting RB in Buffalo now?) and you have the recipe for success here. Just gotta ditch the loser Dallas kicker.
That's it, folks. The games start on Thursday, so get your affairs in order by then. And in case you need a reminder what you're fighting for, here it is:
1 comment:
NnnnnnooooOOOOOOooooo!!!!!
What did I ever do to you? Was it because I didn't organize Draftsgiving last Spring? Kiss of death?
Ptui
Now I need to find some wizened gypsy woman to uncurse me. Do they advertise somewhere online?
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