Fantasy league 2019 -- draft order announcement

Folks, I know it has been a hard off-season, living under the yoke of Anthony’s tyrannical rule as the surprising Awesome Cup champion from last year. Along the way, we’ve face hardships. We had to say goodbye to Nick Foles. Andrew Luck decided he doesn’t want to play with us anymore. Jay Ajayi and Nate Sudfeld were both fed to wolves (probably). And the Phillies have done just enough to make you suffer all summer long without turning off the TV forever.

But I have good news for you all: Your pain and anguish is about to end. After almost eight months of waiting, fantasy football is officially back. Now is your opportunity to pull Anthony down from his high perch. Now is the time to vanquish the demons of the long, barren football-less months. Now is the time to reclaim the kind of glory that can only be earned through random picking of professional athlete stats.

Welcome back to the annual quest for the Awesome Cup.

The long battle ahead starts again this year with the awesome children ready to pick names out of a hat under the rules outlined in our much beloved modified NBA draft order system. Everyone’s proxies are ready, the first four names go into the breach, and the unlucky first one out is …

Pick #11 — Ant
The system works! Last year’s victor gets the worst starting post for the upcoming season. The boy child asks if this means his godparents will be angry with him. I tell him that Anthony is a vengeful winner and he was likely to snap regardless the outcome. This brings no solace to the kid. Ant’s representative at tonight’s draft, a knock-off version of the Phillie Phanatic, tips over in ambivalence.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #10 — Capt. Awesome
Dammit, who came up with this stupid system anyway? My proxy, a Chase Utley bobblehead, just shakes his head in disappointment. The girl child asks if she’ll be allowed to sleep inside tonight or if it means another night on the porch. I tell her the porch sound too generous.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #9 — Joel
Tough break for last year’s fourth-place finisher, who also slides down one spot in the picks. His stand-in, a Darth Vader stuffed doll, tries to use the force to make a change in the order, but only manages to inspire the boy child to ask how far Ohio is. That’s not relevant right now, I tell him.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #8 — Mom D
I inform the girl child that now she has screwed over two family members, and she laughs uncontrollably. I don’t think she understands this is the worst possible pick that grandmom could have gotten here, dropping four spots. Mom’s representative, a stack of Uno cards, shamelessly tries to play a Reverse. We move on.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #7 — Jo
Now it’s the boy child’s turn to turn the screws on a family member. Jo’s proxy, a copy of Sal Paolatonio’s “Philly Special,” ignores the bad news. Joanna, on the other hand, asks why she needs a proxy when she’s already in the room. We ignore her distractions.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #6 — Pop Shane
The girl child could not be happier that she is causing chaos in the family, as Dad slips down spot spots relative to last year’s disappointing finish. His stand-in, a DVD of the 1950s Superman cartoons, knocks down a building in disgust. The girl asks if we can go visit Pop now. I tell her tonight may be bad timing.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #5 — Sam
Good news for Sam, who moves up two spots and probably gets a shot at one of the few premiere RBs on the board now. His proxy, a PacMan shaped Atari emulator, gazes ahead knowingly. The boy child asks if he’s allowed to go do something fun now. He is immediately handed a copy of the Eagles encyclopedia and told there will be a test in 20 minutes.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #4 — Jeff
The girl is officially the angel of death for this draft — every single name she pulled out dropped lower than their projected pick based on last year’s finish. Jeff ended up at the bottom of the pile last season but gets the fourth pick because, reasons. His representative, a copy of the congressional record, offers dozens of pages of filibustering response before we move on.

Next name goes in, next name comes out and …

Pick #3 — Paul
And now we get to the source of all our problems. Paul finished second last year and should be picking up in my spot. But I guess his slip of paper had something slick on it, because he jumped up seven spots all the way to the bronze medal post. His stand-in, a set of three Eagles rally towels, celebrate in their solitary way.

Only two slips left, and the next name out is …

Pick #2 — Bob
The professor has a chance at a good start this year thanks to this high pick, but whether all his book-learning will help him remains to be seen. His proxy, a copy of Ulysses that nobody knew was in the room, sits pompously atop the bookshelf celebrating its fate. The girl child asks if there are any more family members that she could pick out, and as a matter of fact, the only name left is …

Pick #1 — Mike
Mike finished second to last in 2018, a rare show of failure for the normally savvy coach. But his incompetence pays off with the number one selection this season, setting up his team for success this go-round. His representative, an old Brian Westbrook jersey, sprints around the room in excitement. Or maybe that was the children, running away because they are finally free of this exercise.

There you have it, folks. I’ll enter the draft order this Friday night and draft our teams sometime before the Labor Day holiday. I looked over the pre-draft rankings and cannot stress enough how much you need to fix them before the season starts. Right now, they have Andrew Luck ranked #3 overall. He will not score a single point this year. If you don’t fix your rankings, you will be screwed over. This is your final warning.

Glad to have you back in the fight, and godspeed to you all. Don’t let Anthony retake the throne.