** Browns Coach Hue Jackson: Pick a street with 40 houses, fail to ring the doorbell on 37 of them, then act indignant when you get fired from your team of Trick or Treaters.
** Giants QB Eli Manning: Replace your right arm with a broken pool noodle and then look sad about it the whole night.
** RB Adrian Peterson: Dress up as an old man but then surprise everyone by outrunning the rest of the crowd to the front door.
** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: Put on a hoodie sweatshirt, stay at home, then steal candy from kids as they come to your door.
** An NFL ref: Just point at random cars, trees and other inanimate objects while yelling “holding!” When someone objects, call roughing the passer on them.
** WR Golden Tate: Put on a Lions jersey, then put on an Eagles jersey, then go out there and win some games.
QB: Deshaun Watson, 40.96 pts — started by Jo
WR: Marvin Jones Jr., 23.30 pts — started by Mike
RB: James Conner, 33.50 pts — started by me
TE: Jordan Thomas, 15.93 pts — on the waiver wire
K: Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Cincinnati, 17.00 pts — on the waiver wire
D: Dee Ford, 12.00 pts — on the waiver wire
Ohmigawd, Pat Mahomes didn’t make the list for a change.
James Conner is now the #3 fantasy RB on the season, which is great for everyone who took him with the #2 overall pick this year. But most people didn’t do that and instead grabbed Le’Veon Bell, the presumed starting RB for the Steelers who continues to hold out deep into the regular season. Conner has gone from waiver wire pick-up to bonafide fantasy star. And the day that Bell comes back, he’ll probably get cut from millions of teams around the country.
“Players we started” edition
1st place: (tie) Miami, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Oakland, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Baltimore, -6.00 pts — started by Mom D
Look, we have defenses bottom out all the time. But three in the same week? That’s worth writing about. The Dolphins, Raiders and Ravens defensive squads combined for zero turnovers, zero sacks and 120 points allowed. It wasn’t much of a surprise for the Oakland and Miami squads, who have been poor to awful. But Baltimore was among the top scoring defenses of the year coming into week 8. Looks like Carolina didn’t just make Philly miserable.
Special shout out to Jamis Winston, who threw four picks on Sunday en route to getting benched and destroying my other fantasy team. In fairness, he’s awful, and I only have myself to blame for believing in him.
** From Thursday Night Football, as the Dolphins face a 4th and 7 trailing by 15 in the 4th quarter: Joe Buck — “Now (Dolphins) Coach Adam Gase has a decision to make, whether to kick the field goal or go for it.”
Troy Aikman — “And it’s one that he is going to have to make, and it looks like he is making it.”
Thanks for clearing that up.
** Speaking of Joe Buck on Thursday Night Football, why the hell was Joe Buck on Thursday Night Football? He had just done the World Series in Boston the two nights prior. Fox flew him to Houston to do the football game while the baseball teams were headed to Los Angeles, where he picked up play-by-play duties on Friday.
Was there really overwhelming demand to fit him in on Friday night? Can’t we get one evening off from his blundering madness?
** In the third quarter, with the Rams trailing the Packers in a key game for both franchises, Los Angeles QB Jared Goff was sacked on a clothesline tackle by LB Clay Matthews that drew a roaring ovation from the crowd.
One problem with that: They were playing in LA.
Look, I understand the franchise just moved there two years ago. And I know the Packers are a popular national team. But we as fans were told for years how hungry the city was for its own football team. And the Rams are the best team in football right now. And more people at that stadium were rooting for Green Bay than the local squad.
Maybe instead of these stupid London games, the NFL could have just played exhibitions in LA all these years and not forced loyal fan bases to lose their beloved teams for the sake of false promises about fan base growth. Maybe if both the teams playing in LA were visitors, you’d have fans cheering for each side instead of just the out-of-towners.
Actually, the stupidest thing I read in recent days was an article in the Washington Post that talked about how Boston sports fans have gone from long-suffering losers to a multitude of championships. Even after the Red Sox fourth World Series title in 15 years, expect more of this garbage to come — how did the city of Boston ever go from such sports misery to such sports success?
News flash: They didn’t. Boston has always had successful teams and still whined about how hard it was to not see their teams win every year. If you are a 50-year-old Boston sports fan today, you have seen 21 championships among the four major sports in your lifetime. That’s the exact same number as a 50-year-old New York fan, and they’re fielding three extra teams every year.
Only five cities have fielded teams in all four sports continuously since 1968: Boston, New York, Detroit, Chicago and Philly. During that span, New Yorkers have never had to wait more than seven years for one of their teams to bring home a title (they’re in a six-year drought, though). Chicago has seen 12 championships over that span but hasn’t had to wait more than a decade between titles.
Boston had a bad 15-year stretch — missing a championship for all of the 1990s — but never went more than four years between titles over that same span. So, unless you’re a Boston fan born after the Celtics win in 1986, you never really had to “wait” to see your team win it all for any significant stretch.
Detroit had one 15-year title drought over the last five decades and is working on a 10-year drought right now. And Philly? Somehow the 24-year, 100-seasons stretch without a major sports title between the Sixers in 1983 and Phillies in 2008 never got as romanticized as the poor Boston fans’ “suffering” did. What you did hear was a lot of sports pundits criticizing that Philly fans returned to booing the Eagles so soon after last year’s Super Bowl win, presumably not appreciating the long wait like those not-complaining Boston fans do.
But, there is a silver lining to the Red Sox winning this year’s title: With the same number of championships as New York over the last 50 years, and 12 this century alone, Boston has officially become shorthand for “insufferable teams that win a lot.” So you don’t have to hate the Yankees anymore. It’s more patriotic to hate Boston instead.
The Cowboys, desperate for WR help, traded for Raiders wideout Amari Cooper last week, and I have never had an easier time with this anagram. Behold:
Amari Cooper
** Poor America
The number of times I have found anti-patriotic sentiments in the names of players for “America’s team” would make your head spin. Want to make America great again? It can only start with an overdue mass revolution against the Cowboys.
** My other fantasy teams are 4-4 and 3-5, and I’m down nine games to Dad in the weekly picks. I’m beginning to feel like the 2018 Eagles, hung over from the celebration last year and unable to right my football ship as the season slips away. Unlike the Eagles, though, I have a stable of Awesome Cups to help dry my tears. ** Delaware knocked off #10 Towson this weekend, putting them a step closer to securing a spot in the FCS playoffs. They’re in first place in the Colonial Athletic Association and have two wins against ranked opponents. Get your post-season tickets ready, folks.
Week 8 standings 1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 1105.53 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1102.04 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 1031.67 pts
4 — Want Some CandyCorn? (Paul), 975.71 pts
5 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 962.12 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom), 918.98 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 911.03 pts
8 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 908.87 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 893.70 pts
10 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 868.27 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 846.51 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast, (Mike), 765.50 pts
Wow. I’m still in first, but just barely. Both Jo and Ant posted weeks of 175-plus pts, turning the league into an actual three-team race for the first time in a while. Paul’s yet again renamed team is knocking on the door, and came in just under 150 pts. For the week. In fact, nine of the 12 teams topped 100 pts, which is a remarkably good showing for almost everyone.
Related, Mike is still in the league.
We’re done with the tyranny of the London games but there’s still a Thursday contest to worry about. Also, the Eagles have their bye this week, so remember to fill in those gaps before Sunday at 1pm.
1 comment:
I don't know what to do this weekend. There is no Eagles game and my two favorite teams for the week (Packers and Titans) play on Sunday night and Monday. Dad Shane
Post a Comment