1 — Jay Ajayi ~~ Status: Dead. Out for the season with a torn ACL.
2 — Darren Sproles ~~ Status: Mostly dead. Out since week 1 with leg injuries.
3 — Corey Clement ~~ Status: Possibly alive. Out since week 3 with leg injuries.
4 — Wendell Smallwood ~~ Status: Alive, but who cares? Cannot pick up the pass rush due to his 4-foot-5 frame.
5 — Josh Adams ~~ Status: Undetermined. I literally never heard of him before last week.
6 — Duce Staley ~~ Status: RB coach. May suit up this week anyways.
7 — Lesean McCoy ~~ Status: Only a dream.
WR: Odell Beckham, 25.83 pts — started by Ant
RB: Todd Gurley, 30.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Eric Ebron, 23.50 pts — started by Paul
K: Graham Gano, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: Josh Bynes, 15.00 pts — on the wire
Yeah, Cincinnati’s D also scored 23 pts, but I don’t feel like rearranging the chart up there for another player left on the wire.
Not on the list of top performers was Saints RB Alvin Kamara, who had been averaging almost 27 pts a game this season. This week he got 5. On Monday night, New Orleans scored 43 pts without ever really looking Kamara’s way, limiting him to under 10 touches for the first time this season in favor of overworking RB Mark Ingram, just back from a drug suspension. Ingram had twice as many plays as Kamara and two TDs. Remember that next time someone tells you crime doesn’t pay.
“Skill players” edition
3rd place: Joshua Dobbs, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, -0.53 pts — on the wire
1st place: Rod Streater, -1.10 pts — on the wire
Cleveland WR Streater’s stats through five games this year: 1 carry, -11 yds. Other than that, though, he has looked great.
At the moment, 11 offensive players have negative fantasy pts on the year. Seven of them are backup QBs, with a variety of kneel downs and garbage time turnovers. But we still have four wideouts on the list, which is more fun because it takes more incompetence to get negative pts when you don’t start the play with the ball.
** There’s a new NFL.com fantasy football commercial that opens with a man staring blankly into the camera:“No job, no family, just walk away from it all. That’s my number one fantasy.”
Camera zooms out, his buddy beside him on the couch says, “No, Bill, what’s your number one fantasy pick?”
Dazed, the guy replies, “Oh, David Johnson?”
Everyone in the room replies, “Good pick, nice pick.” And then the narrator obliviates.
Let forget for a moment that this is a dark, dark, dark commercial for something as light and frivolous as fantasy football, and that the crowd in the commercial just ignored clear homicidal inklings from this man. I want to focus on his pick instead, because it’s terrible.
Rams RB Todd Gurley was the clear #1 pick for the season. Johnson is fine, I took him #3 overall. But c’mon. We’re five weeks into the season and the guy is the #12 RB in the league, and that’s only because a handful of guys had bye weeks already. If you took Johnson #1, you deserve the miserable life you have created.
Just don’t take it out on the wife and kids, OK?
** Headline by ESPN this weekend: Northwestern WR hit square in face, leads to INT. It’s accurate and as dumb as it sounds.
** In that Monday night game, with the Saints leading 40-13 halfway through the third quarter, ESPN talking thing Booger McFarland said that he was stunned that the Maryland Racial Slurs “aren’t playing with more urgency.”
Yeah, that was the problem. Not the 40 pts surrendered in 40 minutes. It was the lack of urgency.
** $999 — a game worn Tyrod Taylor jersey
One of only three in existence, since he has already been benched in favor of Baker Mayfield.
** $3.99 — a Geno Smith car decal
Smith last played for the Jets in early 2016, and has been on three other teams’ rosters since.
** $31.99 — a white NFL bucket hat
No team. Just a white hat with the NFL logo. For $32.
** $1399.99 — An autographed Dak Prescott helmet
I costs $200 more than a helmet signed by Emmitt Smith, a player who won at least one playoff game.
** $69.99 — a bobblehead of Trey Burton throwing the Philly special to Nick Foles
This price is ridiculous and I need this.
With so many new players on an NFL roster each year, it can be difficult to keep the team culture coherent and consistent. Some franchises do this with repeated practice techniques and trust building exercises. The Cowboys achieve it through a commitment to evil and satanic worship. Consider yet another one of their rookies this year:
First-year Dallas Cowboys outside linebacker Chris Covington
** Bad by clan. I give no cares to others. I scowl at your slick friends.
I understand scowling at my dull friends. But at the slick ones too? Unreal.
** I dropped THREE MORE games to Dad this week to fall eight games behind him for the season in our weekly picks. I cannot figure out any of these games right now. I especially can’t figure out why the 49ers are losing so many games with Joe Montana at QB. He is still there, right?** I double checked, and the Vikings winning on Sunday doesn’t erase the result of the NFC Championship game last year. Just saying.
** The Browns are 1-1-1 in overtime games this season, which pretty much sums up the weirdness of the NFL in 2018 so far.
Week 5 standings 1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 678.80 pts
2 — Waiting for Wentz (Paul), 638.01 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 631.16 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 619.35 pts
5 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 610.19 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 586.53 pts
7 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 581.84 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 541.12 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 523.56 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 513.45 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 511.51 pts
12 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 509.61 pts
Paul continues to change team names and continues to climb the standings. There’s a lesson to be learned here, folks. Innovation inspires the team. Maybe if the Cardinals change their name each week they’d be 5-0. Of course, Paul also started three players who each scored zero pts, so maybe it’s just dumb luck.
This is a good time to remind everyone that Yahoo predicted Paul’s team would finish 11th this year and Bob’s would finish second, and that most fantasy football projections are total garbage. Of course, sometimes they get it right, like when they predicted my squad would end up in first place.
Not only is there a Thursday game (featuring the remains of the Eagles vs. the Giants) but we also have our first London game of the year this week. So set your rosters early and often. And then reset them when late injury news comes out. And maybe again at midnight on Saturday just to be sure. Remember when football was just on Sundays?
1 comment:
Hey, Cap'n, do you hear these footsteps?
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