** Sept 2006 -- In their first game back at the Superdome after a year absence, the Saints put on a heavenly inspired game and drubbed the Falcons 23-3. Afterwards, the Catholic Church admitted it put in a good word for the New Orleans squad after being confused by the cheers of "Saints Saints Saints!"
** Feb 1989 -- A then lightly regarded Joe Montana (a Notre Dame grad) leads his 49ers on a 90-yard game-winning TD drive to capture the Super Bowl. In the stadium is Jesus, disguised as John Candy.
** March 1996 -- Shortly after the Cowboys win their grid Super Bowl in four years, NFL officials admit that Lucifer had been secretly acting as league commissioner for the last half decade. As atonement, the league institutes a salary cap just weeks later.
** Dec 2010 -- The Virginia Tech Hokies score an upset 44-33 victory in the ACC championship game behind QB Tyrod Taylor, named for Saint Tyrod of Thessalonia.
** May 2017 -- While crossing the street, Patriots QB Tom Brady is struck down by lightning for his vast array of sins.
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 44.92 pts -- started by Sam WR: AJ Green, 32.13 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Devonta Freeman, 38.07 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 24.93 pts -- started by Ant
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Bob
DEF: Arizona, 34.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Tyrann Mathieu, 13.50 pts -- on the wire
Thiiiiiiis close to our first perfect week of the season, with all but the elusive defensive player started by our teams this week. Minus Gostkowski (whose name I hate having to look up over and over), our top performers racked up 15 TDs on Sunday and Monday, lead by Rodgers’ disgusting 5 TD passes in the Monday night dismantling of Kansas City.
“Getting defensive” edition
2nd place: Dallas, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on my bench
1st place: Miami, -6.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench
And with all those TDs on the offensive side, somebody had to suffer. Dallas and Kansas City each managed one sack on Sunday amid all their ineptitude to escape the lowest fantasy score possible, but Miami wasn’t so lucky: 41 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no success. It’s tough to have a worse day than the Jaguars, who allowed 51 pts in their loss, but the Dolphins found a way.
** ESPN listed three keys for the Auburn Tigers to win their game against Mississippi State on Saturday. #3? “On defense, tackle somebody.”
That might be glib and funny if the first two weren’t ridiculously specific: “7+ explosive plays on offense” and “an offensive pace of 70+ plays.” None of it mattered, as the Tigers lost despite a decent defensive effort, 17-9.
** The University of Virginia is having a rough football season, but the announcers this week pointed out that they’ve been successful in a lot of other sports. “The Cavaliers this year were champions in soccer. In tennis. In baseball. In Omaha.”
The important thing to remember here is this section is the stupidest thing I heard this week, because I’m sure if it was written, the last bit would have said “In baseball (in Omaha, where the championship game was held.)” But that sure ain’t what it sounded like. It sounded like we’re playing competitive Omaha now, which I assume means tossing steaks or something.
Since there was some ambiguity this week as to the proper way to build camaraderie and teamwork in sports, here are a few general rules:
** If a teammate makes a mistake, point it out in a constructive and calm manner. Do not choke him.
** If a teammate responds angrily to your comments, reply in a firm but respectful tone. Do not choke him.
** If coaches are presenting alternative advice, listen to their suggestions and ideas. Do not choke your teammate.
** Never be on a team with Jonathan Papelbon.
Rookie lineman La'el Collins made his NFL debut on Sunday during Dallas’ collapse at the hands of the Falcons, gaining mixed reviews for his work. But his anagram game is already strong. Consider:
OG La'el Collins
** No logical sell
Not a bad start, but what does he think of his teammates?
OG La'el Collins
** Ills gone local
OK, but this is the professional den of evil. What’s the worst thing that he can bring to the Cowboys?
OG La'el Collins
** Illegal colons
That’ll do, rookie. That’ll do.
** Ha! Picked up two games on Dad this week, bringing me even with him for the season. It should have been three, but he would not commit to forsaking the Eagles this week, even though he "knew" they were going to lose. I hope his visit to (near?) the Pope straightened him out now.
** Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger went down with a knee injury Sunday, meaning that the starter for Pittsburgh for the next will be ... Drumroll please ... Former Eagles/Falcons/Jets/state correctional facility QB Mike Vick. You know you missed him. Be sure to watch for errant passes if you’re near the stadium next week.
** FYI, the Eagles are still technically in last place, with tiebreakers. The Giants are 1-2 with a 1-0 division record, the Racial Slurs are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 1-1 conference record, and the Eagles are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 0-2 conference record. So …
Week 3 standings 1 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 425.54 pts
2 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 425.50 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 407.03 pts
4 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 383.57 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 375.93 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 369.34 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 336.85 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 330.70 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 328.86 pts
10 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 310.22 pts
11 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 307.01 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 269.34 pts
Good weeks for Joanner and Ant to climb back up near the top of the heap, but Dad and Sam are starting to put some distance between them and the rest of the pack. Meanwhile, Paul is in danger of stopping paying attention, and only about one-third of my team is any good. So I’m pretty much the Eagles. All I need is for your top players to go down and I’m right back in the mix for the division title.
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