** San Diego WR Keenan Allen (15 catches, 166 yrds Sunday) is on pace to catch 240 balls this year for 2,656 yds, beating the single-season mark by almost 100 catches and 700 yds.
** Eagles RB DeMarco Murray (8 rushing yds Monday) is on pace for 128 rushing yds this year, or roughly 1,700 yds fewer than he had last season when he won the league rushing title.
** Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins (lost 17-10 to the Dolphins Sunday) is on pace to start three more games before getting benched.
** The NFC East (1-3 this weekend) is on pace to finish the season with a combined 16-48 record, which I’m pretty sure is what the NFC South posted last season. Still get a playoff team, though.
QB: Tom Brady, 35.62 pts -- started by Jim WR: Julio Jones, 25.90 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Carlos Hyde, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 26.77 pts -- started by Mike
K: Brandon McManus, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 23.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: Josh Norman, 15.00 pts -- on the wire
Why I love wide receivers, part 957: Of the top five WRs drafted in our league this year, only one (Antonio Bryant) finished in the top 30 in fantasy scoring for their position this week. Dez Bryant (2nd WR drafted) is dead, and the overrated Odell Beckham (44 yds, 3rd WR drafted) and once unstoppable Calvin Johnson (39 yds, 4th WR drafted) each had fewer receiving yards than third-string Cardinals rookie RB David Johnson had on his single catch on Sunday (55 yds).
3rd place: Zach Mettenberger, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Chicago, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
Fun fact: Mettenberger’s team beat Tampa Bay 42-14 on Sunday, and yet he still ended up scoring negative points. Bonus fun fact: Tampa Bay would have been at -4.00 pts for the week if not for Mettenberger’s late turnover in the game.
** Dan Patrick dropped this gem at halftime of Sunday night football: “Big game next week -- Seattle at Green Bay. Seattle coming off a surprising loss to St. Louis. Guys, how big is this game?” If you don’t know, how can you say it’s a big game then? The answer, by the way, was “big.”
** Jon Gruden, on Monday night football, was asked if he was surprised Atlanta was up big at the half. “That’s why you don’t pay attention to pre-season football,” said the commentator who announced five pre-season games this year, never once telling you to ignore what you were seeing.
** Jonathan Papelbon, on his return to Philly this week, said he wasn’t the “bad guy” that critics made him out to be because “I was one of the few that wanted to actually win” on the Phillies. Which is weird criticism, because since he has gotten on the Natinals, they’re 4 games under .500 (6 over before his arrival) and the Phils are 7 under .500 (25 under with him on the team). So, who is he helping win again?
Greatness in football and life only comes from constant practice and repetition. That’s why Direct TV’s ongoing “don’t be like this me” ad campaign is among the best in the history of television: because it’s constantly droning on and on.
The pairings are creative and hilarious. Without Direct TV, you could be like the bad Randy Moss (short) or the bad Peyton Manning (high-pitched voice) or the bad Andrew Luck (bearded). But with Direct TV, you don’t have to worry about any of those totally normal conditions, thank gawd.
But why stop there? Direct TV only has 700 versions of this commercial out now, but here are a few they’ve missed:
** I’m Tom Brady // And I’m “borderline starter in college who never learned how to cheat in the pros” Tom Brady.
** I’m Jason Witten // And I’m “not old enough to collect Social Security checks” Jason Witten.
** I’m Chip Kelly // And I’m “sometimes I work with employees instead of firing them all” Chip Kelly.
** I’m Eli Manning // And I’m “plastic surgery took the dopey right out of my cheeks” Eli Manning.
** I’m Matt Millen // And I’m “didn’t put together an 0-16 team so I am qualified to talk about football on TV” Matt Millen.
I’m seeing some great marketing potential in there.
Huge last-minute win for the Cowpokes on Sunday night as they avoid a major upset by grabbing a TD with seconds left to beat the Giants. But the victory came at a cost, with star WR breaking his foot in the contest. What does it mean for the big showdown coming up between the Eagles and Cowpies next week? It’s time to look at the letters again...
Dallas Wideout Dez Bryant breaks his right foot
**This dark fallout -- Birds get wins. Hated boys? A zero
Cowboys have now lost their top two offensive “skill” players from last year, but I think all the assumptions that they’ll coast to another NFC East championship are totally reasonable. Especially since they overachieved on defense all season long last year...
** New year, same story: I went 2-3 against Dad on the weekly picks, starting me off on the wrong foot yet again. The Vikings really let me down this week, which is a phrase that Minnesotans have gotten used to at this point.
** I apologize to the entire league for not making any jokes so far about Anthony’s “1.21 Chip-a-watts” team drafting JJ Watt as his defensive player. It’s an inexcusable oversight, and all I can say is we all make mistakes early in the season.
** Sam Bradford already needed a foot X-ray and it’s only week 1 and I can’t even bring myself to joke about it.
Week 1 standings 1 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 145.96 pts
2 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 140.18 pts
3 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 131.30 pts
4 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 127.62 pts
5 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) -- 126.84 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 122.37 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 108.51 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Ma Doyle) -- 108.16 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 102.86 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 99.03 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 97.54 pts
12 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 94.70 pts
I told you Bob’s team looked soft. Totally justified my pre-season prediction of last place for him.
Solid debuts for Jim and Sam this week, but nothing too amazing at the top or the bottom of the league for the start of the season. Only 16 weeks left until we crown our next Awesome Cup champion…
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