Fantasy league 2015 -- preseason predictions

Labor Day is passed, the football season is about to start, and the only thing left is to read the tea leaves and see how your fantasy season is going to finish. FYI, it’s not pretty:


12th place: Yelp for help (Mom Doyle)
Projected points -- 1804.54
Rookies always end up at the bottom of the pre-season rankings, because the complexity of managing a successful fantasy team all year long is too difficult for new coaches (even though rookies have won the Awesome Cup twice, stop with your technicalities). Our first-ever Delaware-based team ended up with some solid RBs but a thin wide-receiving corps, and will have to rely on Eli Manning to win a championship. That’s highly unlikely (even though that has happened twice, stop with your technicalities).

11th place: 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant)
Projected points -- 1894.99
Anthony is clearly hoping to take this league back in time to the year 2011, when he got his name etched onto the Awesome Cup. Fun fact: His team that year featured a pre-Eagles Darren Sproles and a pre-Eagles Ryan Matthews. Another fun fact: His team this year features Cowboys Tony Romo and Darren McFadden, and I’ll be rooting against him every week. I don’t care if Yahoo says he had a great draft, I say he finishes near the bottom … like his beloved Dallas cowpokes.

10th place: Blue Collar Killers
Projected points -- 1974.72
Did I just complain about Anthony having too many Cowboys? Here’s where the rest of the spawn of Satan landed. WR Dez Bryant, TE Jason Witten, RB Joseph Randle, S Danny McCray, WR Terrance Williams ... Dear gawd, I’m not sure I’ve ever hated a fantasy team more than this one. They’re a Mike Vick and a Fred Taylor away from me plotting assassination attempts against them.

9th place: Clinton’s Email (Jim)
Projected points -- 2001.01
Unlike the presidential hopeful’s server, which boasts thousands of thousands of surprising bits of information, the problem with Jim’s team is no depth. He has three solid WRs (Cobb, C Johnson and D Adams) and a QB (Tom Brady) whose stats will be overinflated this year, for a change. But he has two TEs (J Thomas and Gates) who won’t be playing until October and a thin set of also-ran RBs. Also, when Brady gets suspended for the next round of cheating, backup QB Derek Carr isn’t going to help much.

8th place: king hippo (Sam)
Projected points -- 2023.23
There are no Patriots or Panthers on Sam’s team, so I assume he has already checked out for the season. That’s a shame, because QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Jamaal Charles are going to produce some gigantic weeks for this team. After that comes a pair of too-young RBs (Abdullah and Gurley) and too-old everything else (WR Marshall, WR Boldin, WR Colston, QB Palmer, TE Daniels). So, maybe it’s best not to watch.

7th place: Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected points -- 2097.20
I’m still hoping Mike upgrades his name from last year, because right now I’ve got the best one by a mile. But I’m perfectly fine with him keeping his team as average as it is right now. Philly backup RB Ryan Matthews is his second-best rusher, San Diego disappointment WR Keenan Allen is his second-best wideout. He did manage to grab the top two TEs off the board (Gronkowski and Graham) but you can’t win with TEs alone. Unless the game is “pick the best tight end.” Then, yes, of course, you can win with just TEs.

6th place: Heap Big Chief Red (Joel)
Projected points -- 2111.54
Joel wins the award for the most confusing team name, but he’ll back up his fantasy football game with a mediocre roster. QB Peyton Manning should be good for the first half of the season, before Father Time begins his inevitable chokehold on the bobblehead passer. RB Marshawn Lynch and TE Travis Kelce will be solid. But the remains of WR Sammy Watkins? The remains of WR Stevie Johnson? The remains of WR Pierre Garcon? And 100-year-old Nick Folk kicking for the squad? Eh.

5th place: May Pay Attention (Paul)
Projected points -- 2175.33
Ladies and gentlemen, your Miami Dolphins! This year’s team features RB Lamar Miller, WR Jarvis Landry, and TE Jordan Cameron, plus former Miami WR Mike Wallace and former U Florida WR Percy Harvin. If Paul doesn’t trade for the Miami defense at some point this season, I’m going to feel like he wasted all of our time.

4th place: Lake Weed Monsters (Dad)
Projected points -- 2265.65
Wait, are we sure this isn’t Paul’s “I heart WRs” team revived from the dead? Dad’s team is loaded with wideouts -- Odell Beckham, Julius Jones, Emmanuel Sanders, Amari Cooper -- and has garbage for RBs (backup Giovani Bernard may be the only startable back he has for week 1). QB Russell Wilson’s rushing yards won’t be enough to make up for that deficiency and give us our first-ever Awesome Cup repeat champion.

3rd place: Eat Drink and D Murray (Capt Awesome)
Projected points -- 2303.33
I’m all in on Sam Bradford. Sure, my team has great RBs and a solid all-around receiving cast, but the key to my success this year is going to be the new Eagles signal caller and the strength of his ability to execute Chip Kelly’s complex crossing routes to perfectio … ahhhh the baby just sneezed and Bradford’s ACL tore again. Nevermind.

2nd place: Getting Chippy (Joanner)
Projected points -- 2366.76
It is a testament to the absurdity of Yahoo’s rankings and autopick drafts that Joanner could steal Le’Veon Bell -- arguably #1 overall pick in fantasy this season -- with the #6 pick in our draft. With that kind of luck, it’s not hard to see how she could jump to the top of the pile and claim her first championship this year. Her three-wideout set of Green, Cooks and Maclin may be the best starting trio of any team. Her RBs are solid, QBs Newton and Kaepernick will toss in more rushing points … It’ll really come down to coaching. And injuries. But those are really the coach’s fault, after all.

1st place: Bethlehem Moravians (Bob)
Projected points -- 2366.79
This is what a championship team looks like, folks. A sneaky good QB (Ben Roethisberger). Three solid RBs (Lacy, Forsett, L Murray). Two starting wideouts with the same name (D Jackson and V Jackson). A TE that’s so old I thought he was dead. (Heath Miller). Nevermind that I picked Bob to win last year and he finished in the middle of the pack. THIS is the year that the Awesome Cup travels to Bethlehem.


...or, maybe not. Just in case I’m wrong again this year (13 years running!), get your lineups set by Thursday evening for the stupid opening game featuring the stupid Patriots. And good luck to all, by which I mean bad luck to all of you.