We've added a new coach this year, changed a few scoring settings and waiver wire rules, but we’re keeping the total points format (due to apathy from everyone involved) and keeping the modified NBA draft order system that no one really understands but me. Don’t worry, it’s totally fair. If you lose, it’s because your coaching was bad.
Junior Awesome is back again picking out the draft order, with Baby Awesome offering her commentary to his play-by-play. The alphabet magnets are ready, the 2003 Eagles skull cap is ready, and the lucky loser who will pick at the end of the first round is …
Slight drop in the draft order for last season’s second-place finisher, but B.A. seems excited by the mention of her godfather’s name. It’s unclear if her drooling means she thinks he should go WR-WR with the picks at the turn or if the last bottle is about to come back up.
Another drop, with the 2014 bronze medalist falling one spot in his projected draft order. When I tell B.A. that Jim’s beloved Steelers just signed Mike Vick as a backup, she tosses a car in disgust. Her throw is not intercepted, unlike Vick’s.
Junior is promptly sent to his room as punishment for dropping me three spots lower than I should have. It’s the only way he’ll learn. B.A. laughs as I try to explain to him how to read tiles using only his fingertips as preparation for next year’s draft.
Junior responds to my chastisement by giving his grandfather a gigantic gift, moving him four spots up from his projected draft order spot. B.A. hears mention of a grandparent, then cries when none is supplied. Her penchant for crying over nothing makes me worry that she may be a D.C. sports fan already.
No real surprise here for last year’s 7th-place finisher. When I mention Jeff is a Niner’s fan, B.A. asks if we’re all finally past the hype of Colin Kaepernick as a serious annual Pro-Bowl candidate. Before I can respond, she belches.
Our new coach gets welcomed to the league with some straight-up cheating by her grandson. Rookies always go in the hat first, to have the best chance at the last pick, but Junior managed to pull five other names before hers. As I shake my head in disbelief, B.A. high fives her brother.
The children are clearly playing favorites here, with Mom also getting a luck draft bounce and drafting than her 4th-place finish last year should suggest. B.A. responds by filling her diaper in excitement. That’s gonna be Mom’s problem to clean up.
The pop-culture professor gets himself in line for one of the top five RBs thanks to Junior’s work. But who will that back be? B.A. contemplates the question for a moment, grabs a nearby DVD of “Rear Window,” and begins to try and eat it. Sounds like DeMarco Murray to me.
Oooh, a tough break for last year’s second-to-last finisher, who instead has to settle for 4th (We call that the “Jaguars’ resting place” around here). B.A. laughs, but in that sorta sad way where you can tell she’s a little afraid of the enormity of the situation, or maybe just gassy again.
Our worst team from last year gets only the third-best pick, but both kids are heartened by Paul’s new team name. So long, “I heart WRs.” Hello, “May pay attention.” B.A. commends him for his honesty.
The excitement of Joel’s move to the top pair of picks proves too much for B.A., who sneezes in response. Unfortunately, that gust of wind is enough to rupture Sam Bradford’s ACL again. Tough break.
It doesn’t matter how many ways I fool with this, Anthony always seems to end up with one of the top picks. B.A. hears the news, looks at me, and says her first words: “That guy is just gonna waste it on LaDanian Tomlinson again.”
There you have it, folks. The draft will take place overnight on Friday, so get your player rankings finalized before 11:59pm that day. And update your team names to something better. You’re not going to top my “Eat Drink and D Murray,” but you can try.
And one final reminder -- Here's what you're all playing for:
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