Fantasy football recap, week 3

---- Top Performers
QB: Matt Hasselback, 33.08 points -- started by Joel
RB: Brian Westbrook, 38.83 points -- started by Neal
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.27 points -- started by Ant
TE: Eric Johnson, 18.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: John Kasay, 20.00 points -- was on the waiver wire, now Paulie’s
DEF: Cincinnati, 20.00 points -- started by Jim
          Little known fact: TJ's name was legally changed to Whosyourmoma after the popularity of that commercial.

---- Worst Performers, backup RB edition
3rd place: Anthony Thomas, 0.10 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
2nd place: DeAngelo Williams, -0.10 points -- sitting on Mike's bench
1st place: Rock Cartwright, -0.50 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
          Williams had -1 yards rushing on four attempts Sunday after getting 74 yards rushing and another 24 receiving the week before. Sucks to be him.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
          Jim should get the award this week: He started TO, who is both hurt and on a bye, then started two more players who scored zero points while leaving Clinton Portis (27 points) and 18 more points on his bench.
          On any other week, he would run away with this award.
          But Jeff made a late push to get the honors this week with some truly baffling coaching. Still refusing to use the waiver wire, he managed to carry two kickers on the bye this week, costing him a few field goals there. Then he benched Steve Smith for his first game back, forgot to put anyone in his place, and started another WR who gained no points.

---- “Don’t look now” stats of the week
** Donovan McNabb is leading the league in passing yards (960), leading the NFC in passer rating (105.3) and leading the NFC in passing TDs (seven).
** The Washington –expletive deleted- are leading the league in offensive penalty yards (260) and third in the league in defensive penalty yards (207).
** The New Jersey Giants defense has posted the second fewest sacks in the league (2) and allowed the most TDs in the league (eight).
** The Cowboys are still winless in games where TO catches a touchdown pass. (Still 0-1).

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          Credit goes to Jo on this one, for recognizing its stupidity while I was still trying to recover from the brain spasms it caused.
          Mike Tirico, after the Saints blocked a punt and returned it for a TD in the first few minutes of Monday’s game in N’Orwleens, yelped “You could not have scripted a better start than this!”
          So many problems with that:
1 –- Tony Kornheiser made the exact same statement 10 seconds earlier. Tirico repeated it again a few seconds later. I get it – it was a good play. Thanks for beating it to death.
2 –- Yes, I could have scripted a better start. Here goes: The Saints win the coin flip, and the walk-on WR who grew up in the lower ninth ward returns the kickoff 109 yards to set a new NFL record and give his team a 7-0 lead a mere 10 seconds into the game.
3 -– Prove to me that wasn’t scripted. Really, Hotlanta rushed for 306 yards against Tampa but can’t break off one 10-yard run the whole game? Alge Crumpler just happened to drop everything in site? And it just happened that the Falcons had their worst game so far during the Saints’ homecoming?
          We’ve all known that this league has been rigged since Adam Vinitieri kicked his second last-play Super-Bowl-winning field goal. Just come out and admit it already.

---- College football update
** Just when you thought semi-professional sports couldn’t get more unpredictable, the unthinkable happened in the Temple game this weekend: They scored a touchdown. The Western Michigan Buffaloes allowed an 80-yard touchdown drive, culminating in a 11-yard rush to paydirt, in the third quarter of its pathetic 41-7 win over the Owls.
          For the season, Temple has now been outscored by a much more respectable 174-10 in four games.
** Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 in the annual “Battle of the mini-states,” proving once again that Delaware is huge compared to that weenie little truck stop up north.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
The 'boys will be back next week, and so will their brewing QB controversy. So before he takes over the helm of Hades, let's look at "Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Tony Romo" and see what we can find:
*** A crock. Moron lobs rock up, away badly. Bet squat. ***
          I'm telling ya, these things write themselves.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 425.64 points
** Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 405.61 points
** Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike – 401.02 points
** Fourth place: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome – 385.75 points
          Hmmmm ... I wonder why I decided to show the top four this time instead of just the top three? Oh well...

---- For the record
** There were 23 rushing TDs this weekend, but 24 fumbles. There were 35 passing TDs but 25 INTs. I don’t really have any frame of reference for whether that’s a bad scoring-to-turnover ratio, but I’m pretty sure it means everybody sucks.
** There is nothing more fun than watching a 292-pound defensive lineman rumble 98-yards on a fumble return for a TD ... unless you get to see the Eagles defensive backs manhandle Niners QB Alex Smith while it happens.
** Only one team failed to score a TD this week –- Hotlanta –- but since it was the highest watched game in ESPN history (10.8 million viewers) I felt the need to point out how embarrassing that was.
** The race for the number 1 pick next year (Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn, who will be a tremendous bust) tightened up this week. Detroit, Houston, Tampa Bay and Cleveland are all 0-3, and Oakland narrowly avoided a loss on its bye this week.