Fantasy football recap, week 1

---- Top Performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 29.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Frank Gore, 30.23 points -- started by Eric
WR: Donte Stallworth, 21.60 points -- started by Capt. Awesome
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 21.40 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 21.00 points -- sitting on Heidi’s bench
DEF: (tie) Baltimore, 30.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: (tie) Chicago, 30.00 points -- started by Mike
          Nice work, Heidi. We could have had a nice line-up here, but you ruined opening weekend for everyone by not starting a kicker who went six for seven. I hope you’re happy.

---- Worst Performers, staring QB edition
3rd place: Chris Simms, -0.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -0.92 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
1st place: Jake Plummer, -2.48 points -- sitting on Paul’s bench
          As I’ve said in the past, in this league it’s very difficult to end up with negative points next to your name, what with our fancy 21st century scoring and all. But leave it to Jake the Snake not to disappoint. We haven’t seen scores this low since Patrick Ramsey last started a game.
          By the way, Ramsey is still in the league with the Jets, so we could see this nadir sent lower soon.

---- The weekly award in remembrance of “the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week”
          For any of you newcomers each week we hand out an award to the coach who left the most points on the bench, and pay tribute to bad coaches of the past. For a while this was the Andy Reid blown call of the week, but since he successfully ran a two-minute drill for the first time in his eight-year tenure with the Iggles, his name comes off the award.
      Jeff won this prize so many times that we eventually named it after him, but then he turned around and won the league last year, so I promised to rename the weekly shame.
          And true to my word, I have. Instead of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week, we know have the weekly award in remembrance of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week. (It was either that or name it after Mike Tice, but certain people get angry every time I mention he’s the only active NFL coach to kill one of his players.)
          This week’s award goes to Eric -- he actually only left 26 points on his bench, nearly the same as me, but he sent me an e-mail taunting me for his 0.31-point lead in the standings. It's never good to get cocky early in the season; just look at the Cowboys. So he gets the booby prize.
          We’ll come up with a better name soon, I promise.

-- Fun with trend projections
** Iggles WR Donte Stallworth is on pace for 2,256 receiving yards. For comparison's sake, Jerry Rice in 1995 had 1,848 receiving yards, the most ever in NFL history.
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer is on pace for 48 interceptions and 16 fumbles. For comparison's sake, the single season TEAM record for turnovers is 63 by the 1978 Niners.
** Packers RB Samko Gado is on pace to rush for minus-112 yards. For comparison's sake, Packers RB Ahman Green rushed for plus-110 yards on Sunday.
** Saints DT Brian Young is on pace for 48 sacks this season. For comparison's sake, the single season record for sacks is Jets DE Mark Gastineau with 22 in 1984. Giants DE Michael Strahan posted 22.5 sacks in 2002, but we all know he's a big fat fraud.
** The Cowboys are on pace to go 0-16. For comparison’s sake, that would be awesome.

-- Most insulting thing I heard this week
          Usually this is the stupidest thing I heard this week, but separating one idiotic Joe Thiesmann comment from the next is getting more and more difficult.
          But if you survived his drunken fawning over the Maryland Injuns, you may have stuck around for game two and heard Bonnie Bernstein drop this gem about back-QB-turned-starter Philip Rivers before he took the field and whipped Oakland:
          “Win or lose one member of the his family will be excited about tonight. Rivers told me his two-year-old son keeps asking why Dad doesn’t wear a helmet like the other guys.”
          Ouch. You two-year-old noticed you don’t do much work at work. Ouch.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: The War on Terrell, Mike, 156.67 points
** Second place: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanna, 149.93
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi, 142.58
          Great -- an all-Doyle top three. I keep adding teams to stop this sorta thing from happening, people. Try and shape up.

-- "Everybody sucks" stat of the week
          For those of you scoring at home, there were a grand total of seven teams who didn't score a touchdown this weekend. Two of those were by winning teams (the Rams, 18-10, and the Seahawks, 9-6) which, if the football gods were just, would only count as a tie.
          Three of them were shutouts; The Packers, Bucs and Raiders were outscored by a combined 80 to zip. The last time there were three shutouts in the opening weekend was 1977, when there were five (no, the Eagles won 13-3 that week). And none of those five teams made the playoffs.
          However, in 2003 the Patsies were shut out 31-0 by the Bills in week one, and they went on to beat the steroid-laden Panthers in the Super Bowl that year. So maybe there is still hope for Packers fans.
          And maybe Doug Pederson will win the Super Bowl MVP trophy.

-- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Admit it, you’ve been waiting for it to come back. And you’ve known all along who it would be too. So lets look closely at “First-team wide receiver Terrell ‘T.O.’ Owens” and see what it says about the blackness in his soul:
          *** Crier lies often. Worst wart ever. Let ‘em die ***
          The letters never lie, my friends.

-- For the record
** I went 11-5 in my picks against Dad this week in the annual "Battle for Pride" contest, while Dad and his pro-Dallas choices were a mere 9-7. If I remember correctly this is the 11th year we've matched wits during the regular season, picking every game. Dad is 9-2 over that stretch, but he's 0-1 since I began combat operations here at Fort Awesome.
** The Fighting Blue Hens of the University of Delaware opened last week with a 30-7 pounding of the West Chester Chestnuts last week. They're 11th in the polls, and have a linebacker named Shon Jablonsky which is just flat-out awesome.
** The Eagles were 12-1 in games where TO scored a touchdown. The Cowboys are 0-1 in games where he scores. I'm just saying...
** The recaps are gonna be on this site from now on, so be sure to check back next Wednesday for your weekly updates. I'll quiz you frequently to see if you're reading.