League predictions

Now that we’ve drafted the fantasy football teams, let the guessing and taunting begin. I'm working on a way so that folks not in the league can view the weekly standings, but FYI here’s how everything will shake out at the end of the year:

TEAM: Team SmartyPants, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2000 points, 11th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: The new kid always gets ranked last. He’s the only one of us who didn’t draft two kickers, so he gets credit for that, but he also has Jake Plummer at QB and only one RB on his roster. Also, his first round pick was for an Arizona Cardinal (Larry Fitzgerald). It’s that kind of poor strategy that will keep this team down.

TEAM: Cut and Run, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2025 points, 10th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: You have to get deep into Jim’s roster before you find a player I don’t hate. New Jersey QB Eli Manning, Dallas RB Julius Jones, Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, Maryland RB Clinton Portis, Maryland TE Chris Cooley, Tampa WR Joey Galloway … and some shmuck with the initials T.O. His team could be good, but I ain’t gonna be heaping any praise on a team which runs on pure evil.

TEAM: Get drunk and screw, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2050 points, 9th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Neal’s team looks really good, considering he doesn’t have any WRs on the roster. Jerry Porter? Eddie Kennison? I guess Westbrook is more of a WR than an RB, but still. Most importantly, Neal ended up with the Fred Taylor booby prize, so that drops his ranking significantly. When Taylor heard he was drafted by someone, he jumped up and down with excitement, then hyperextended his knee.

TEAM: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanner
PROJECTED FINISH: 2075 points, 8th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joanner has three teams she’s following this year, and there is no shot she’ll have any clue what’s going on with this team by week five. Also, every year I rate her team high and it stinks, so this year I’m using reverse psychology. She does have a mess of good Carolina and Pittsburgh players, including the Steelers starting three WRs from two years ago (Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress and Antwann Randle El). If only she had rooted for the right Pennsylvania team….

TEAM: JapanUSRelations, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2100 points, 7th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: True story – Ant called me on Saturday asking for where he could look up injury reports because he didn’t want to draft someone who was hurt. Then, with his second pick, he took Dominick Davis. Then, Sunday morning, the Texans announced Davis would be out for the season with an injury. There’s a bad luck vibe around Ant’s team, and I don’t think having LaDanian Tomlinson and Donovan McNabb will be enough to overcome that.

TEAM: Clarett’s protoge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2125 points, 6th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joel doesn’t have a single skill position on a team which plays in this time zone. That’s tough to do. He should get some sort of award for that, but I don’t give out those kind of prizes. Well, I don’t give them out until halfway through the year, when I scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to write.

TEAM: Red Shirteys, Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2150 points, 5th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: If you missed out on getting RBs, Eric took them. He has six, including fake QB Michael Vick and rookies Reggie Bush and LenDale White. That could be a fearsome twosome, if Eric can figure out how to keep LenDale from spitting in everyone’s faces.

TEAM: The War on Terrell, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2175 points, 4th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Mike said he didn’t set his draft order, which is significant because his team still looks better than most. Peyton Manning, a couple of good RBs, Chad Johnson and the best defense in the league (Chicago). But there’s nothing worse than an inattentive manager who is too busy jetting around the world to some take time deciding whether Denver RB Tatum Bell is a better pick than Denver RB Mike Bell. So he can’t possibly win the title.

TEAM: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2200 points, 3rd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: I’ve drafted three fantasy teams now and I’ve got Javon Walker on all three, so three seems like a good spot for me. Go figure. I’ve got Akers doing my kicking and a nice collection of good RBs. But most importantly, I used my first round pick to take an Arizona Cardinal (Edgerrin James). It’s that kind of bold strategy that’s gonna take me to the top.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2225 points, 2nd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Tom Brady, Willie Parker, Ronnie Brown, Steve Smith – that’s a pretty good crew for somebody who got screwed with the last pick. But the key for Jeff this year is gonna be his excellent waiver wire deals. Sure, in the four years he’s been in the league he’s never dropped or added a player, but this is gonna be the year, I can feel it.

TEAM: Heidi is too slow, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 2250 points, 1st place
WHAT TO EXPECT: C’mon, this team isn’t even that good. But once again Heidi ended up with a mess of underrated players – Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, Mark Bulger, Baltimore’s defense – who could produce a lot of points. Baltimore RB Jamal Lewis looks like junk, but she always ends up with one player who goes nuts early on. So I’m picking up Jamal in my other leagues. Two predictions: Heidi finishes first, and she changes her team name by next weekend.

Remember to get your rosters set by Thursday for the ridiculous “We’re the NFL but we’re acting but the NCAA” season opener. Good luck, losers.