Fantasy football recap, week 2

---- Top Performers
QB: Rex Grossman, 35.56 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 29.50 points -- started by Ant
WR: Amani "It's not a" Toomer, 33.13 points -- started by Neal
TE: Desmond Clark, 16.67 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: Nate Kaeding, 17.00 points -- started by Jeff
DEF: Baltimore, 32.00 points -- started by Heidi
          Yeah, I was surprised Peyton Manning (400 yards, 3TDs, 34.20 points) wasn't at the top too.

---- Worst Performers, "awful teams" edition
3rd place: Kerry Collins, -1.72 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Aaron Brooks, -4.00 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
          Brooks had no completions and two fumbles in his game. Meanwhile, Tennessee's defense was as bad as can be, giving up 40 points and recording no sacks, turnovers, or any other signs of life.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
          Nevermind -- we're back to honoring Andy with this one.
          In fact, Andy's coaching was so bad he gets the award this week. Second and one? That's a passing down. Third and one? That's a passing down. Fourth and one? That's definitely a passing down. Fifth and one? Well, now we're talking about college football referees...
          If Reid had pulled the entire team off the field before the fourth quarter started, I'm not sure the result would have been worse. And Shockey might have ended up with a few catches then.
          Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who's gonna start Panthers WR Steve Smith no matter what the injury report says (Two weeks, no points).

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          First thing Monday morning, I heard this gem on DC sports radio from Andy Pollie (who is a pretty good sports guys for considering he roots for a soulless, inept and borderline racist franchise):
          "So the Redskins first team offense is still struggling, and the team looks as if it's headed to an 0-6 start, but it's not time to panic yet."
          They're playing the Texans next week. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't predicting an 0-6 start two games into the season with Houston on the way the very definition of panicking?

---- Fun with stat projections, week 2
** Eagles DE Trent Cole has four sacks and is on pace for 32 for the season. The record, as you know from last week, is 22 (and not 22.5)
** Colts QB Peyton Manning has 676 passing yards and is on pace for 5,408 for the season. For comparison's sake, the current record is 5,084 yards by Dan Marino in 1984. Incidentally, the record for complaints about Dan Marino in a single afternoon is held by my father, also at 5,084.
** Hotlanta RB Warrick Dunn has 266 rushing yards and is on pace to rush for 2,128 yards. For comparison's sake, the current record is 2,105 by Eric Dickerson in 1984. (What was going on in 1984?)
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer has five turnovers (four INTs, one fumble) and is on pace for 40 turnovers on the year. He also is on pace to throw zero touchdowns this season.
** Saints RB Reggie Bush has 72 yards rushing and is on pace for the most exciting 576 yards rushing the NFL has ever seen. He's also on pace to crack the 1,000 yard rushing barrier in week 11 of the 2007 season, at which point he should achieve sainthood.

---- Stupidest thing I read this week
          In case you missed Sports Illustrated this week, here’s a bit from their column on the lowlights of sideline reporting over the last 20 years:
          “In 2005, Nebraska coach Bill Callahan is doused with Gatorade after a win over Colorado. ABC’s Suzy Schuster asks him, ‘Was that one of the most gratifying dumps you’ve had?’”

---- Bad college football updates
** The Temple Owls lost 62-0 to Minnesota on Saturday, the second week in a row they've lost by that tally. The team is 0-3 and has been outscored 133 to 3 so far this season. On the positive side, they are averaging an easy-to-calculate 1.0 points per game.
** The Delaware Fighting Blue Hens lost to the Albany Great Danes 17-10 Saturday in the much hyped "mascots with misleading superlatives" bowl. Even more upsetting than the heavily favored Hens taking a hit in their quest for another I-AA championship, Delaware LB Shon Jablonsky did not play in the contest.
** The Division III Ursinus College Baby Bears beat the Division I-AA LaSalle Explorers 6-2 on Saturday in one of the program's biggest wins ever. The exciting contest was 0-2 at the half and featured back-to-back pass interference penalties against LaSalle before the Bears scored their only TD.
** In Division II action, Midwestern State beat Northeastern State 73-34 in a shootout that was clearly made up by the NCAA because neither of these schools actually exists. Midwestern State vs. Northeastern State? C'mon. Next up on the schedule is Pacific Northwest University vs. Traditional Southern Black College.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Let's stay on the Cowboys new players theme and see what "Dallas Cowboys Kicker Mike Vanderjagt" has coming:
**** Go-to jerk lacks aim, clanks wide. Very bad. ****
          For the record, Vanderjagt was two-for-two on field goals this Sunday but two-for-five on attempts in the preseason, including three misses on game-winning attempts. So the anagrams must be true. It's the only explanation.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 298.36 points
** Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 293.03 points
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 290.95 points
          And there's a lovely 28-point gulf between third and fourth, meaning team "Just returned from Prague" is starting to pull away. But how about Neal? Where'd that come from? That’s like Trent Cole having four sacks. Who knew?

---- For the record
** This week only six teams didn’t score any touchdowns. Last week it was seven, so the quality of play must be getting better, right?
** And while we’re talking about lousy football, Monday featured five baseball games that had more scoring than that 9 to zip clunker thrown down by Pittsburgh and Jacksonville. Maybe they had trouble keeping their balance on that field, considering it’s covered in Donovan puke (two games there, two McNabb losses, two lost lunches there).
** In case seeing David Akers get in a fight during the Giants game on Sunday wasn't enough kickers kicking ass for you, I present the video of David Akers with his favorite hobby: kickboxing.