Capt. Hollywood

So, in keeping with the "I have no idea what my job description really is" theme, I covered the D.C. red carpet premiere of the new Ashton Kutcher/Kevin Costner movie about the Coast Guard. My story on the making of the movie will appear in the paper ... someday. The movie doesn't actually open until Sept. 29. And it won't open overseas until later than that.

By why wait until then to share with you all the new Hollywood knowledge I picked up?

Here are a few tidbits:

-- The red carpet is about as thick as astroturf (not very) and was laid down on a city street, closing off one lane of a four-lane road. I'm going out on a limb here, but from what the drivers stuck in traffic were yelling I don't think they'll be paying to see this movie.

-- There is a man whose whole job in life is to figure out where the potholes are underneath the carpet, and then keep celebs from tripping on them. He is was pretty bad at it too.

-- There were a ton of Asian movie stars at the premiere, including Ken Watanabe and Ziyi Zhang. There are no Asian actors in this movie. Your guess is as good as mine.

-- Girls will scream whether or not they actually can see Ashton, but they will stop if they figure out they're just looking at reporters.

-- Clancy Brown, who appeared in several flashbacks on ABC's Lost, has not been asked back to the show yet and has no idea what's going on.

-- Media on the red carpet are given an 8x10 inch plot to stand on while the celebs stroll by. If you have a photographer, they are supposed to stand on your shoulders. If you wander away, "they" will come get you. As we made jokes about this, Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff walked by. I guess they were serious.

-- Sela Ward looked very good, considering she's Kevin Costner old. Kevin Costner looked Kevin Costner old. Demi Moore looked like a skinny 12-year-old wearing a trash bag.

-- Most reporters on the red carpet have no idea why they're there or what they're supposed to do. Neither did the Coast Guard guys, but at least they were in uniform.

-- Ashton Kutcher was impressed by my mini-recorder/MP3 player, and told me so. He was uninterested in just about everything else. But he took the movie role because he sees the Coast Guard as "real life heroes," then in a non-sequitor ripped football players for being frauds.

-- Access Hollywood is way higher on the pecking order than any print media. I talked to Ashton Kutcher, for the love of gawd, but I couldn't get near their cameraman or see if Billy Bush was around.

No pictures because my camerawoman had a family emergency, but I'll look on the entertainment wire tomorrow to see if I snuck in any.