The Heidi rule instituted last season is still in effect, so the top four teams from last year get the bottom four spots in this year's draft order, to ensure that Heidi gets screwed with a late pick and to give the rest of us a chance to win this league.
11. Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
10. Heidi is too slow, Heidi
9. The War on Terrell, Mike
8. Red Shirteys, Eric
Everyone else gets their names dropped in the Eagles hat for an NBA style draft lottery. Our representatives from each team are present for today's excitement, so let's have Joanna pull the first name:
7. Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
DAMN!!!! I spent all this time coming up with a screwy draft order lottery only to get the worst pick I could end up with. Joanna is laughing at me and promising not to tell if we decide to repick to get me a better pick. She's officially on probation -- joking about rigging the draft order is as bad as taking steroids in baseball. And they don't allow that kind of thing. Onto the next pick:
6. Team SmartyPants, Paul
The new guy gets a pick in the dead center. Paul's team representative, a soccer ball bean bag, yawns with excitement. Being a soccer ball, it's used to being bored. Onto the next pick:
5. Cut and Run, Jim
Jim's representative, a copy of this week's Washington Post magazine, asks me "Can God straighten out your finances?" I feel like his team might not be focused on this whole event. Onto the next pick:
4. Get Drunk and Screw, Neal
That's the second year in a row Neal got a pretty good pick. We may have to figure out a way to screw him next year. No, not that way. Coincidentally, his team representative, a screw holding up one of our family room blinds, looks so excited it might fall out of the wall. Or maybe that's just shoddy workmanship on my part. Onto the next pick:
3. Clarett's protege, Joel
After getting stuck with a late pick last year Joel gets a plum spot in this year's contest. His representative, my Ohio State Hat, responds by pulling a gun on me, taking my cell phone, then getting arrested by Columbus police. Why they are hanging out around DC is beyond me.
It's worth nothing that Joanna's demeanor has suddenly gone from excited to terrified, as she realizes that we might have to redo this whole lottery if she doesn't pull her name next. Nobody is going to believe we did this on the up-and-up if she gets the top spot. So with great trepidation she reaches into the Eagles hat and pulls out:
2. HoF Bus Drivers, Joanner
And now she's happy again. Joanna's representative, Joanna, resumes taunting me. This has not been an easy day at Fort Awesome.
With all the picks gone, that leaves the top spot to:
1. JapanUSRelations, Ant
Oh, gawd, what have we done? It's like handing the car keys to a six-year-old. Sure, it sounds like fun, and you know he'll be a better driver than most of the people on the road, especially that guy in the car next to you, with his overstarched suit and his fancy bluetooth earpiece, and you just know he's gonna cut you off when you get up to that merge, but you're the bad guy because you're wondering if you could flick a piece of gum into his car window, and ... where was I?
Anthony's team representative, a "Welcome Home" sign with a signature of Vince Papale, is so excited by the win that it starts singing the wrong words to the Eagles fight song. It stops only when my Ohio State hat pulls out it's gun again.
Bets are now open on Ant taking an Eagle with the top pick over all prevailing logic. It's admirable, but also terribly misguided.
So that's the order, kids. The moment of truth will take place on Saturday. I'll switch the league's draft status over to ready sometime around noon, so make sure you set your player rankings by then. If you end up with Clinton Portis and his shattered shoulder with the number 5 pick, well, I warned you.
Any questions, drop me a line.
6 comments:
Bring it on fools...you KNOW I am picking Dante Stallworth with my first pick just to give Joanna LT or Manning, cause I'm just that nice of a guy:) Come on, have more faith in me this year. I'll do better, I promise.
I'm so glad that I can sit back and watch this Fantasy Football stuff without any pressure. Should I pick a team to root for? Or should I just start a new support group?
Root for T.O. lawsuits.
Hey Captain
Why are you picking on Heidi? According to the names on the cup she has only won once in the last 4 years. Mike, Jeff and you have won the others.
Also, to be perfectly fair, You cannot represent yourself at the draft. That's a conflict of interest with your ststus as "draft master". Maybe you can ask lil nutter to stand in for you.
Next year Joanna will be represented at the draft by the Russian Eagles nesting dolls, specifically, Little Stanley Pritchett. Joanna's tired of getting booed at the draft.
Heidi has finished no worse than third every year she has done this. Also, she had the top pick two years in a row, so we had to make sure that didn't happen again.
Every league has to have someone in the Yankees role...
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