Fantasy League 2021 -- pre-season rankings

Football starts this Thursday and there are 18 weeks of regular season gridiron action ahead (17-week schedule, yay, yawn, why?) but sadly your fantasy team’s fate is already written in the stars. In case you want to save time this year, here’s how the race for “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” will shake out:

It’s All Hurts (Dad)

Yahoo ranking: 2400.24 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1703.03 pts, 12th place

This may be one of the best teams Dad ever drafted. Three solid RBs (Dalvin Cook, David Montgomery, Clyde Edwards-Helaire) plus a solid TE (Mark Andrews) and some frisky late round QBs (Matt Ryan and Derek Carr). So why is he ranked so low? Well, his wideouts are abysmal (JuJu Smith-Schuster as the best wideout on the team? Yikes!) But mostly it’s because Yahoo picked him first, and that’s the kiss of death. They have yet to come close on the winner for any of my leagues. Plus, I feel like Dad could have put more effort into his team name.

This is Fine (Bob)

Yahoo ranking: 2255.26 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1850.50 pts, 11th place

Each year the Yahoo autodraft finds ways to screw us over in creative and personal ways. For exhibit A, let me present Bob’s team. His starting eight looks great, with QB Kyler Murray backed up by three promising RBs and elite TE George Kittle providing extra bounce. The problem? Bob has no bench, because Yahoo gave him three players on the IR plus QB Deshaun Watson, who likely won’t play a down this year because of legal problems, and DE Barkevious Mingo, who was arrested in July. I’m not sure what Bob did to piss off the Yahoo algorithm this badly, but hopefully he can overcome the handicap.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)

Yahoo ranking: 2174.43 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1993.12 pts, 10th place

Jeff has a Cowboys problem. His whole season rests on QB Dak Prescott, WR CeeDee Lamb TE Blake Jarwin and K Greg Zuerlein. Could they score a lot of points? Sure. Will we reward reliance on Dallas players in this league? No. As a matter of fact, I’m considering making Jeff start at -500 pts as punishment for not excluding Cowboys players from his draft list, as most of the rest of the league did. Good results cannot come from evil acts.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)

Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1996.05 pts, 9th place

It’s worth noting that when we started this league back in 2002, QB Tom Brady was not among the passers drafted by any team that year. And in each of the 19 years since, he has been. Joel gets him this year, along with a strong core of RBs (Derrick Henry and Joe Mixon) and wideouts (Keenan Allen, Robert Woods and Julio Jones). But do you really believe Brady can lead another team to a championship this year, in the 20th season of the league? (Or, as it is more accurately called, “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.”)

Clever Team Name (Paul)

Yahoo ranking: 2330.84 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2000.01 pts, 8th place

The team formerly known as “I heart WRs” does not, in fact, have any reliable wide receivers this season. AJ Brown is facing injuries. Odell Beckham Jr. is more like Old Brokedown Jr. Marquez Callaway is the primary receiver by default on a Saints team that could be a mess. And Paul somehow drafted almost as many TEs (three) as wideouts (four). RB Christian McCaffery and QB Russell Wilson will keep him afloat for a while, but as the 2020 Philadelphia Eagles proved, if you want to win you have to have at least a few players who can catch a pass.

Bird Immunity (Mike)

Yahoo ranking: 2297.88 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2009.97 pts, 7th place

No disrespect to the reigning champ, even if he took a QB in the first round like a newbie fantasy player (Is Patrick Mahomes worth it? Eh, maybe that late in the first). Mike’s wideouts are as bad as Paul’s and Dad’s, but he took the TE craziness to a new level, ending up with not one, not two, but three TEs whose names start with H (Hockenson, Higbee and Hooper). His RB corps of Najee Harris, James Robinson and Gus Edwards could be world-beaters, but will that be enough to counteract the four players he drafted from Houston and Jacksonville, the two worst teams in the NFL? We’ll see.

The Slaymakers (Ant)

Yahoo ranking: 2019.67 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2019.67 pts, 6th place

Somebody else forgot to exclude the Cowboys for his pre-draft list… Ant ends up with not just RB Ezekiel Elliot but also his backup, RB Tony Pollard. There’s no point in discussing the rest of his team, the shame of that result is too overwhelming for anything else to matter. Let’s just imagine a world where Anthony manages to win the league this year. Can he in good conscience lift up the Awesome Cup, say out loud “I have won the Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” and then thank a Cowboys running back for that victory? Or does he just pretend like that didn’t happen? This is not a good start for a team that had so much promise in the offseason.

QB Carousel (Jo)

Yahoo ranking: 2307.74 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2112.21 pts, 5th place

It’s Joanna’s worst nightmare: A team with Eagles stars when there are no real stars on the Eagles. Everything starts with QB Jalen “Still not Nick Foles” Hurts and RB Miles “not a three-down back” Sanders. Plus, she ended up with two Bengals wideouts (ew) and the entire Buffalo backfield (eh). But, the rest of the squad is … good? RBs Jonathan Taylor and Myles Gaskin are solid, WR Michael Thomas is an IR saved spot for later. Maybe if the Eagles aren’t as bad as I think, she gets her first title. Or maybe they are awful, and it’s a long, long season.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)

Yahoo ranking: 2234.04 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 4th place

I couldn’t find a real reason to hate Sam’s team, so he ends up in 4th by default. I feel like WR DeAndre Hopkins and RB Alvin Kamara could mean Sam tops 1,000 catches this year with his squad, and his #4 wideout — Brandon Aiyuk — is the #2 on my other team. His RBs and TEs are soft, though you have to love some Zach Ertz on there. And QB Justin Herbert? I dunno, maybe? Could be worse. Could be Cam Newton.

Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome)

Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 2333.33 pts, 3rd place

Yahoo said I’d finish in 10th place last year too, and they were off by 8 spots. Aside from the aforementioned double-dipping problem (I got the Steelers top two wideouts, because the autodraft really hates us), this is a solid team. Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs in the backfield, QB Matthew Stafford and WR Calvin Ridley eating up the air yards. WR Laviska Shenault Jr. gets me triple word score on scrabble football Sundays. The only real weakness here is TE Dallas Goedert, a black hole of actual value on the field despite several years of hype from the Philly phaithful. Honestly, I thought I put him on the “do not draft” list. I’m already trying to trade him to Dad for one of those RBs.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom Doyle)

Yahoo ranking: 2171.83 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2401.10 pts, 2nd place

A hearty welcome to the 2021 Seattle Seahawks, who have entered our league via grandmom’s squad. Yahoo’s fun twist for her team this year was to give her three players ranked in the top 50 all on the same squad: WR DK Metcalf, WR Tyler Lockett and RB Chris Carson. I double checked, and all three of them cannot score a TD on the same play, which is going to limit this team’s upside. That trio gets paired with Packers teammates QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Aaron Jones (who can both score a TD on the same play, actually), making you wonder if the autodraft just got bored with scrolling through the long list of 32 teams. But, at least they aren’t terrible offenses to heavily invest in. (Commish note: After writing this, Mom and I agreed to a trade to address this issue. So we have our first trade of the year and the games haven’t started yet!)

Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)

Yahoo ranking: 2249.50 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2501.03 pts, 1st place

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to our newest coach. After 19 years of fantasy football, the next generation has arrived and is hungry for a championship. Jonathan and I talked about him starting a team this year after he helped pick the draft order (so no calling shenanigans) and he is ready to challenge the old guard with his new strategy of … trying to figure out who these players all are and why he’s supposed to care about each of them.

Still, given that he can only name half the teams in the league and still thinks the Eagles may be worth watching (news flash, they’re not gonna win five games), Jonathan’s team is fun. He’s got QB Josh Allen slinging it around, WR Tyreek Hill zooming about, RB Austin Ekeler soaking up the reception points. And he’s got heart, which is the most important thing in winning a fantasy league (besides points). So Jonathan comes in as the team to beat this year, hoping to bring another title to Fort Awesome, but the first one without my name on it.

Thanks again for coming back this year for the nonsense, folks. Here’s one more look at what we’re all striving for this season: