A few totally reasonable trend lines to consider after the Eagles’ big win over the Falcons on Sunday:
** The Eagles defense is the only one in the entire NFL to not surrender any touchdowns to the opposing offense since the league shifted to a 17-game season.
** The Eagles offense is on pace to score 544 pts this season, 210 more than they scored last year. Only six teams have topped the 500-points mark in the last three years.
** Eagles QB Jalen Hurts is on pace to pass for 51 TDs, 4,488 yds and zero TDs this season. He’s also on pace to top 1,000 yds rushing this year.
** Eagles WR Devonta Smith is on pace to catch 17 TDs this year, which would tie the rookie record for receiving TDs (Randy Moss in 1998).
** New Eagles coach Nick Sirianni is on pace to go 85-0 in his first five years with the team.
** Eagles WR J.J. Acrega-Whiteside is on pace to finish the year with zero catches and still be employed by this team, for some reason.
QB: Kyler Murray, 41.56 pts — started by Bob
WR: Amari Cooper, 27.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Joe Mixon, 22.23 pts — started by Joel
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 22.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
K: Robbie Gould, 14.00 pts — started by me
DEF: New Orleans, 18.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: Chandler Jones, 17.00 pts — on the wire
Shoutout to new Saints QB Jameis Winston, who threw five TD passes in Sunday’s win over the Packers while amassing an impressive … 148 passing yds. That’s the first time since the 1940s that a QB has thrown for that many scores without topping 150 yds. But it’s not the first time that Winston has thrown for 5 TDs in a game — he did that back in 2015, in a game at Lincoln Financial Field, in a contest where RB Doug Martin also rushed for 235 yds and I was in the stands screaming at the Eagles sideline “WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH MARK SANCHEZ, YOU SICKOS.” Good times, good times.
I don’t usually highlight defensive players here, but dear gawd: Cardinals LB Jone had six tackles, five sacks and two forced fumbles in Arizona’s win over the Titans on Sunday. That’s more sacks than all but two other teams (Vikings and Panthers) in the first weekend. The Cowboys didn’t have any, just saying…
“Training camp defense“ edition
3rd place: Chicago, -2.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Jacksonville, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Green Bay, -6.00 pts — on the wire
Green Bay earned the lowest-possible defensive score this week with an impressive 38 pts allowed, zero sacks, zero turnovers and zero signs of life on Sunday. At least Jacksonville managed a single sack in their loss
Speaking of Green Bay, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers totaled 1.32 fantasy pts in that massacre by the Saints on Sunday, just hair above his backup (Jordan Love, 0.72 pts in relief) and 26 times fewer points than Eagles QB Jalen Hurts (34.76 pts). His QB rating on the day was a mere 36.8, so congrats to you! You can honestly say you had a better QB rating on Sunday (one incompletion for no yards or turnovers is a 39.6 rating) than 2020 NFL MVP.
** The NFL season started last Thursday with a victory-lap game for the Buccaneers in Tampa, the first chance for most of the fans in attendance to see their team in person since they won the Super Bowl last year. And, in the fourth quarter, with less than two-minutes left in the game and the Bucs trying to protect a two-point lead, those dedicated Tampa fans let out with a loud chant that could be heard clear through the TV broadcast:
LET’S! GO! COW-BOYS! (clap clap) LET’S! GO! COW-BOYS!
Yeah, seriously. You undeserving Tampa jerks just got another championship and you can’t even outnumber the visiting fans in the first game back? That’s about the most pathetic display of fan loyalty I can imagine.
As such, I move that last year’s Super Bowl trophy be returned, and the post-season be stricken from the record.
** Speaking of Tampa, a day before the season opener, Dan Orlovsky — ESPN analyst and former Lions QB helped lead the 2008 team to an 0-16 record — said during an interview that “17-0 is a realistic goal for Tom Brady and the Bucs this year.”
Putting aside that only two other teams have gone undefeated in the regular season in about 2,000 tries, the comment was stupid because even though the Bucs won the championship last season, they weren’t close to being a dominant, year-long juggernaut. Heck, they didn’t even with their own division. Sure, the team obviously came together at the end of the year and looked dominant in the Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean they won’t have a single off week this year.
Alson, Orlovsky doesn’t know what one win looks like, much less 17, so maybe he’s not the expert you wanted on this one.
** Look, I have fun bringing you all these idiotic comments each week, but none of you pay me enough to watch Peyton and Eli Manning talk for four hours on Monday Night Football. If a network wants to let those two buffoons babble on their dime, fine. But I’ve already lost enough brain cells transcribing what Cris Collinsworth has to say. I can’t afford to attempt to process their verbal slop.
The NFL shifted to a 17-game schedule this year for a variety of factors (just kidding, it was all money) but may have overlooked a lot of reasons that the longer season isn’t better. Consider:
1 — An unbalanced schedule: Division opponents go from having only two matchups different in their annual schedule to three now. That’s a big deal when one game often decides a playoff berth.
2 — Records are meaningless now: A 5,000-yard passing season? 2,000 yards rushing? Meh. You had an extra game to get it. We’re going to need to shift to NBA-style “per game” stats instead.
3 — Nobody likes odd numbers: No other sports league plays an off number of games. Why? Because you can’t have .500 teams with an odd schedule. (Ties count as losses, so don’t give me that crap.)
4 — Something something player health: More games will likely mean more injuries, if that’s the kind of thing you think we should care about.
5 — 17 is an ugly number: Joe Montana wore #16. Phillip Rivers wore #17. Enough said.
6 — Another week of Joe Buck: An extra week of broadcasts is an extra week having to listen to him ruin football from the inside.
7 to 16 — More isn’t always better: There are nine teams in each conference that won’t make the playoffs. Do we really need to see another game of Lions football this year? Is anyone happier because of that?
17 — I have to write one more weekly recap each year: C’mon, folks. I need some rest over here.
It’s a new year but the same den of evil down in Dallas. Each year they get a new crop of rookies, and almost instantly their hearts turn to stone. Consider first round pick Micah Parsons, once a standout linebacker at Penn State, now another soul lost to the NFL’s cesspool of vice and woe. Don’t believe me? Let Parson’s own name spell it just who he has become in the last few months:
Rookie LB Micah Parsons
** I am a poor shins blocker.
** I am a iron pork belch, SOS.
** I am a sick posh loner bro.
** I am a hobo prison’s clerk.
Still not convinced? Don’t worry, there is always one more:
Rookie LB Micah Parsons
** Hi. I’m a loser con, park SOB.
Seems like even with the limited practices this summer, the new guy is fitting in with the unruly mob just fine so far.
** Shoutout to Ohio State for losing at home for the first time in four years, effectively ending their chances of a national championship, and as a result effectively ending any point of playing out the rest of the season. Way to almost hang in there until the pros started playing.
** Bad start to the year in my weekly picks with Dad — I went 1-4 against him, including losses in the Eagles game (c’mon, you were as surprised as the rest of us) and the Monday night game (where the Ravens had the ball near midfield in overtime needing just a FG). Luckily, since there are 17 games this year, I can just write off week 1 and start my normal season of dominance next Sunday.
** Of course, it won’t be next Sunday. Remember to set your lineups for the Thursday night game, which is a team without a name or a QB (Washington) against a team that doesn’t know what state it plays in or why they keep sticking with their awful QB (Giants). Should be a barn-burner.
Week 1 standings
1 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 150.14 pts
2 — This Is Fine (Bob), 148.99 pts
3 — QB Carousel (Jo), 145.43 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 129.68 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 128.22 pts
6 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 124.61 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 118.81 pts
8 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 116.63 pts
9 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 115.96 pts
10 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 93.97 pts
11 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 82.79 pts
12 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom), 63.45 pts
Since it’s his first time ever with a fantasy team, Jonathan has a lot of questions about how the league works, who he should be rooting for and who has the best chance at winning. And I keep telling him the same thing: I’m going to hoist the Awesome Cup yet again, and he should just accept that now.
With that in mind, I had a solid week 1 showing behind my NFC West stars: Rams QB Stafford, Rams RB Henderson, Seahawks WR Lockett and 49ers K Robbie Gould. Looks like I’m gonna be following a lot of late games this year.
Bob and Jo also started the season on the right foot, and Dad, Ant and Mom D all have some work to do. But remember: This is only week 1. You still have 17 more weeks (16 games plus bye weeks and gawd there is just too much math this season) to slog through before we get to the end. Don’t be like the Falcons and give up early just because things started poorly.
WR: Amari Cooper, 27.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Joe Mixon, 22.23 pts — started by Joel
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 22.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
K: Robbie Gould, 14.00 pts — started by me
DEF: New Orleans, 18.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: Chandler Jones, 17.00 pts — on the wire
Shoutout to new Saints QB Jameis Winston, who threw five TD passes in Sunday’s win over the Packers while amassing an impressive … 148 passing yds. That’s the first time since the 1940s that a QB has thrown for that many scores without topping 150 yds. But it’s not the first time that Winston has thrown for 5 TDs in a game — he did that back in 2015, in a game at Lincoln Financial Field, in a contest where RB Doug Martin also rushed for 235 yds and I was in the stands screaming at the Eagles sideline “WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH MARK SANCHEZ, YOU SICKOS.” Good times, good times.
I don’t usually highlight defensive players here, but dear gawd: Cardinals LB Jone had six tackles, five sacks and two forced fumbles in Arizona’s win over the Titans on Sunday. That’s more sacks than all but two other teams (Vikings and Panthers) in the first weekend. The Cowboys didn’t have any, just saying…
“Training camp defense“ edition3rd place: Chicago, -2.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Jacksonville, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Green Bay, -6.00 pts — on the wire
Green Bay earned the lowest-possible defensive score this week with an impressive 38 pts allowed, zero sacks, zero turnovers and zero signs of life on Sunday. At least Jacksonville managed a single sack in their loss
Speaking of Green Bay, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers totaled 1.32 fantasy pts in that massacre by the Saints on Sunday, just hair above his backup (Jordan Love, 0.72 pts in relief) and 26 times fewer points than Eagles QB Jalen Hurts (34.76 pts). His QB rating on the day was a mere 36.8, so congrats to you! You can honestly say you had a better QB rating on Sunday (one incompletion for no yards or turnovers is a 39.6 rating) than 2020 NFL MVP.
** The NFL season started last Thursday with a victory-lap game for the Buccaneers in Tampa, the first chance for most of the fans in attendance to see their team in person since they won the Super Bowl last year. And, in the fourth quarter, with less than two-minutes left in the game and the Bucs trying to protect a two-point lead, those dedicated Tampa fans let out with a loud chant that could be heard clear through the TV broadcast: LET’S! GO! COW-BOYS! (clap clap) LET’S! GO! COW-BOYS!
Yeah, seriously. You undeserving Tampa jerks just got another championship and you can’t even outnumber the visiting fans in the first game back? That’s about the most pathetic display of fan loyalty I can imagine.
As such, I move that last year’s Super Bowl trophy be returned, and the post-season be stricken from the record.
** Speaking of Tampa, a day before the season opener, Dan Orlovsky — ESPN analyst and former Lions QB helped lead the 2008 team to an 0-16 record — said during an interview that “17-0 is a realistic goal for Tom Brady and the Bucs this year.”
Putting aside that only two other teams have gone undefeated in the regular season in about 2,000 tries, the comment was stupid because even though the Bucs won the championship last season, they weren’t close to being a dominant, year-long juggernaut. Heck, they didn’t even with their own division. Sure, the team obviously came together at the end of the year and looked dominant in the Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean they won’t have a single off week this year.
Alson, Orlovsky doesn’t know what one win looks like, much less 17, so maybe he’s not the expert you wanted on this one.
** Look, I have fun bringing you all these idiotic comments each week, but none of you pay me enough to watch Peyton and Eli Manning talk for four hours on Monday Night Football. If a network wants to let those two buffoons babble on their dime, fine. But I’ve already lost enough brain cells transcribing what Cris Collinsworth has to say. I can’t afford to attempt to process their verbal slop.
The NFL shifted to a 17-game schedule this year for a variety of factors (just kidding, it was all money) but may have overlooked a lot of reasons that the longer season isn’t better. Consider:
1 — An unbalanced schedule: Division opponents go from having only two matchups different in their annual schedule to three now. That’s a big deal when one game often decides a playoff berth.
2 — Records are meaningless now: A 5,000-yard passing season? 2,000 yards rushing? Meh. You had an extra game to get it. We’re going to need to shift to NBA-style “per game” stats instead.
3 — Nobody likes odd numbers: No other sports league plays an off number of games. Why? Because you can’t have .500 teams with an odd schedule. (Ties count as losses, so don’t give me that crap.)
4 — Something something player health: More games will likely mean more injuries, if that’s the kind of thing you think we should care about.
5 — 17 is an ugly number: Joe Montana wore #16. Phillip Rivers wore #17. Enough said.
6 — Another week of Joe Buck: An extra week of broadcasts is an extra week having to listen to him ruin football from the inside.
7 to 16 — More isn’t always better: There are nine teams in each conference that won’t make the playoffs. Do we really need to see another game of Lions football this year? Is anyone happier because of that?
17 — I have to write one more weekly recap each year: C’mon, folks. I need some rest over here.
It’s a new year but the same den of evil down in Dallas. Each year they get a new crop of rookies, and almost instantly their hearts turn to stone. Consider first round pick Micah Parsons, once a standout linebacker at Penn State, now another soul lost to the NFL’s cesspool of vice and woe. Don’t believe me? Let Parson’s own name spell it just who he has become in the last few months: Rookie LB Micah Parsons
** I am a poor shins blocker.
** I am a iron pork belch, SOS.
** I am a sick posh loner bro.
** I am a hobo prison’s clerk.
Still not convinced? Don’t worry, there is always one more:
Rookie LB Micah Parsons
** Hi. I’m a loser con, park SOB.
Seems like even with the limited practices this summer, the new guy is fitting in with the unruly mob just fine so far.
** Shoutout to Ohio State for losing at home for the first time in four years, effectively ending their chances of a national championship, and as a result effectively ending any point of playing out the rest of the season. Way to almost hang in there until the pros started playing. ** Bad start to the year in my weekly picks with Dad — I went 1-4 against him, including losses in the Eagles game (c’mon, you were as surprised as the rest of us) and the Monday night game (where the Ravens had the ball near midfield in overtime needing just a FG). Luckily, since there are 17 games this year, I can just write off week 1 and start my normal season of dominance next Sunday.
** Of course, it won’t be next Sunday. Remember to set your lineups for the Thursday night game, which is a team without a name or a QB (Washington) against a team that doesn’t know what state it plays in or why they keep sticking with their awful QB (Giants). Should be a barn-burner.
Week 1 standings 1 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 150.14 pts
2 — This Is Fine (Bob), 148.99 pts
3 — QB Carousel (Jo), 145.43 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 129.68 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 128.22 pts
6 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 124.61 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 118.81 pts
8 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 116.63 pts
9 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 115.96 pts
10 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 93.97 pts
11 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 82.79 pts
12 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom), 63.45 pts
Since it’s his first time ever with a fantasy team, Jonathan has a lot of questions about how the league works, who he should be rooting for and who has the best chance at winning. And I keep telling him the same thing: I’m going to hoist the Awesome Cup yet again, and he should just accept that now.
With that in mind, I had a solid week 1 showing behind my NFC West stars: Rams QB Stafford, Rams RB Henderson, Seahawks WR Lockett and 49ers K Robbie Gould. Looks like I’m gonna be following a lot of late games this year.
Bob and Jo also started the season on the right foot, and Dad, Ant and Mom D all have some work to do. But remember: This is only week 1. You still have 17 more weeks (16 games plus bye weeks and gawd there is just too much math this season) to slog through before we get to the end. Don’t be like the Falcons and give up early just because things started poorly.
3 comments:
I think I picked a most appropriate name for my team after my pathetic showing in week 1. Ouch, it really, really does hurt.
One thing Capt. Awesome missed in his recap. I believe that I had the most points of anyone on my bench. I want you to know that this was intentional. I wanted to give everyone a head start before I run away with the Awesome Cup this year.
Pop Shane
Don't worry, Dad -- we all beleive that...
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