The best Halloween names on current NFL teams.
** Bills RB Frank Gore
** Racial Slurs WR “Scary” Terry McLaurin (his actual nickname)
** Raiders CB DJ Killings
** Patriots K Stephen Gost-kowski
** Cowboys owner Jerry “Cryptkeeper” Jones
** Panthers RB Mike Boo-ne
** Vikings LS Austin Cutting
** Patriots QB Tom “I’ll be cheating until I’m 60” Brady
QB: Daniel Jones, 36.18 pts — on the wire
WR: Mike Evans, 30.70 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tevin Coleman, 36.37 pts — started by Jo
TE: Ryan Griffin, 20.90 pts — on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 22.00 pts — started by me
D: Bruce Irvin, 12.50 pts — on the wire
You know it’s a rough fantasy week when the best QB was the starter for a Giants team that lost.
Missing from this list is Rams WR Cooper Kupp, who hauled in seven passes for 220 yds but had one less TD than Evans (who had a paltry 198 receiving yds).
And Coleman had one of the weirdest RB lines you’ll ever see: 13 touches, 118 total yds, 4 TDs. He scored almost one out of every three times he touched the ball. You think they’d use him more often with that kind of skill…
“Meh QBs” edition
3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Mullins, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: Dwayne Haskins, -0.68 pts — on the wire
Both Bridgewater and Mullins came in for mop-up work in big wins and recorded a few kneel-downs. Haskins, on the other hand, played the second half of the Maryland Racial Slurs’ Thursday game against the Vikings, and managed only 33 passing yds and an interception in what had been a close game. For the season, he has 140 passing yds and four turnovers, worth -0.10 pts. Not a great look for the former Ohio State great.
** After being released from the Eagles for subpar play, CB Orlando Scandrick ripped players on the team, saying that “I felt like they were still living off that Super Bowl high. It's over. They're living in the past."
It’s a confusing statement to hear from Scandrick, an 11-year veteran who spent his first nine years with the Cowboys, because Dallas only won two playoff games in his entire tenure there, so how does he know what it’s like to have a Super Bowl high?
** The NBC DC 11 pm news on Saturday night had a live report from Natinals Park during game 4 of the World Series. The local team was down 8-1 in the 8th inning at the time, but correspondent Shomari Stone noted that fans were still holding strong hoping for a rally … as the camera showed a steady stream of fans behind him leaving the park early.
I dunno, maybe just angle a different direction before you lie about how faithful the local fans are.
** Headline on AL.com this week: “Alabama now leads nation in one of Nick Saban’s favorite stats.”
I’ll spare you the click: It’s turnover margin. You know, the little known football stat that only Red Tide coaching genius Nick Saban knows about. From the article:
“Nick Saban has consistently called turnover differential one of the three most indicative stats tied to success in the game. Third-down conversions and big plays also make the list and Alabama’s offense is ranked in the top 10 of those categories as well.”
Have more big plays, more offensive possession and fewer turnovers than your opponent and you’ll win. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?
A quick look at current team memorabilia for sale on NFL.com vs. how many game tickets that would buy on StubHub:
— Autographed Jets QB Sam Darnold helmet ~~ $284.99
Jets at Maryland tickets ~~ starting at $15
Your choice: Pay nearly $300 for the signature of a QB who sees ghosts when he plays or spent the same amount of money to take 18 friends with you to FedEx field to see Darnold struggle in real life. Tough call.
— Autographed Bengals AJ Green jersey ~~ $224.99
Bengals at Miami tickets ~~ starting at $17
You could only bring 12 friends with you for the price of the jersey, but you also most likely won’t get to see Green’s name on the field if you do that. He’s been out with a leg injury all year.
— Autographed Falcons QB Matt Ryan framed jersey display ~~ $622.49
Bucs at Atlanta tickets ~~ starting at $22
One fancy jersey, or twenty-eight tickets for a pivotal matchup between the third and fourth place teams in the NFC South. Oh and Ryan may not be at the game either, since he missed his start last week with an injury.
— Autographed Giants WR Odell Beckam picture ~~ $202.49
Dolphins at Giants tickets ~~ starting at $52
You couldn’t even afford four tickets in New Jersey at the price of the picture, but at least you’d know what team all the players are on. Despite Beckham being traded to the Browns six months ago, this is still a top seller on the Giants’ fan page.
The Cowboys invested a fourth-round pick in running back Tony Pollard last spring in an effort to help stabilize their offense, given past problems with star RB Ezekiel Elliott. And the good news for Dallas is that Pollard has been a perfect fit thus far, in game play and a complete lack of moral character. No surprise, it’s all right there in his name:
RB Tony Pollard
** Portly-born lad
** Brandy trollop
** Torn, baldy pro
** Drab pony troll
** No try, ball drop
Remember, you can’t spell Pollard without “plod.” Or “lard.” Or “rap doll,” but I’m not sure if that really applies here.
** Another week, another tie with Dad. For the year, I’m down eight in our weekly picks and 0-5-3 in our head-to-head matchups. The good news is that if I continue tanking like this, I’ll be in good position for the top draft pick next year. ** I still hate the Natinals.
** At 4-4, the Eagles are ninth in the NFC playoff race. The good news is that they’re somehow only half a game behind the Cowboys for the division lead. The bad news is they still somehow looked pretty bad in a 31-13 win this week.
Week 8 standings 1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1048.05 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1035.53 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 969.95 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 951.94 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 941.89 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 922.13 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 909.50 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 871.09 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 866.66 pts
10 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 865.97 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 813.25 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 21.90 pts
Huge, huge, HUGE week from Sam, who posted an unreal 197.86 pts this week and jumped from 8th to 3rd. And he did it with three players on a bye, and none of the top performers of the week — just solid 20-plus pts performances from almost his entire squad. Crazy.
But perhaps not as crazy as Joey McDeadaccount, who got his first TD of the year on a 45-yard bomb by Lions WR Marvin Hall (who has accounted for all of his team’s points). One more week like this and I’m going to have to find the login for that account, so I can drop Hall.
An OK week by my team coupled with a very strong week from Mike puts him into first place, but I get my starting QB off a bye on Sunday (but against my defense, so…)
Remember that the 49ers play this Thursday, so get your team ready. The Cardinals play that night too, but nobody really cares.
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