— Tampa Bay Vipers: QB Vincent Testaverde, son of longtime Buccaneers QB Vinny Testaverde, makes sense here as an appeal to the local fan base, since there are no other notable QBs in Tampa football history.
— St. Louis Battlehawks: If Punter Brad Wing can’t get drafted by a team named the Battlehawks, why are we even doing this?
— Los Angeles Wildcats: Former Delaware WR Vinny Papale, son of Eagles walk-on Vince Papale, makes sense due to the team’s proximity to Hollywood and the opportunity for a sequel to the movie “Invincible.”
— D.C. Defenders: RB Matt Jones, known as Fat Matt during his days with the Maryland Racial Slurs, could return to the DC area to prove the problem was with how awful Dan Synder runs his franchise and not Jones’ talent.
— New York Guardians: They should try and draft QB Eli Manning. It’s not like he’s doing anything useful in the NFL right now.
WR: Stefon Diggs, 34.93 pts — on Ant’s bench
RB: Nick Chubb, 25.83 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Hunter Henry, 22.67 pts — on the wire
K: Joey Slye, 15.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 28.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: (tie) New England, 28.00 pts — started by me
D: Devin Bush, 12.50 pts — on the wire
Six QBs topped 30 fantasy pts this week, but Ryan was the only one of the group who managed to lose his game despite his stats. Congrats! He also has the most TD passes in the league (15) and the second-least wins in the league (one, over the Eagles).
Another ridiculous week by the New England defense gives them 141 fantasy pts for the season thus far, almost twice as many as the second-place San Francisco 49ers (77 pts). The combined record of their six opponents so far is a eye-popping 10-23, with four of those wins coming from the Bills (the only team with a winning record the Patriots have played). They’ll face two more squads with losing records before starting the real part of their schedule: consecutive games against the Ravens, Eagles, Cowboys, Texans and Chiefs. We’ll see if their defense is still scoring double-digit fantasy points after that.
“Skill positions” edition
3rd place: Josh Rosen, -0.60 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Marcus Mariota, -1.08 pts — on the wire
1st place: Ray-Ray McCloud, -1.80 pts — on the wire
Bucs QB Jameis Winston threw five interceptions this week, and wasn’t close to the worst QB to take the field. Mariota and Rosen were both top-10 picks and both managed to be complete drains on their teams this week, combining for four interceptions, less than 150 yds passing and no scores. Both ended up on the bench at the end of their games. Rosen has only thrown one TD against five interceptions on the season, and is worth 19.98 fantasy pts after five games — just about 160 pts behind league-leader Russell Wilson.
Believe it or not, the Eagles defense wasn’t the worst in the league this week (tied for third). That total goes to Matt Ryan’s Falcons, who surrendered 34 pts and had no turnovers or sacks. So the Eagles may have given up more yards and points in their game, and they lost to another key playoff contender, and they lost to the Vikings for the second year in a row, but at least they you know what nevermind it was the worst performance of the week.
** I couldn’t pick my least favorite Cris Collinsworth moment of Sunday night, so you pick which one is worse: While talking about Steelers third-string QB Devlin Hodges — pressed into service by multiple Pittsburgh injuries this season — Collinsworth noted that he passed for 14,500 yds at Samford college, setting the new record FCS record. “That counts for something,” Collinsworth said. “14,000 yards is hard to throw for against air!”
I tested out Collinsworth’s theory the next day, casually tossing a football into the air in my living room. The air, as expected, provided little opposition. My throws were only about a foot and I stopped after about 15 throws, but I’m betting if I really focused and spent 20 minutes every night for four years (Hodges, after all, got four years to set that mark) I could top 20,000 yds easy.
Collinsworth was a wideout, so it’s no surprise that he thinks air must provide some opposition to the QB. After all, if it doesn’t, why didn’t the ball get thrown to him every time?
** Collinsworth, a few minutes after that gem, was lauding Steelers RB James Connor for pushing through two defenders. “He’s always fighting,” the NBC commentator said. “You knew he’d be a fighter after overcoming cancer.”
First off, no. Fighting for yards in a game is not the same thing as having the mental fortitude to weather the pain of chemotherapy. But, more importantly, you know how we know Connor is a fighter on the football field? Maybe all of his play last season, where he gained more than 1,400 yds. His last cancer treatment was almost four years ago. Might as well throw in there “you knew he’d be a fighter after he survived that C- in freshman English.”
** Following his team’s loss to the previously winless New Jersey Jets, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he does not believe his team is “really one of the top teams” in the NFL.
Your team has lost three in a row and couldn’t beat the winless Jets, Jerry. No one thinks they’re one of the top teams.
— We support the #Bears and all our woodland friends. Crush those bloodthirsty meat #Packers! ~~~ @WiccansUnited
— Odin smiles on our #Vikings today! ~~~ @NorsemenOfTheWorld
— You know what to do, #Lions. Make a meal of those lousy theists. ~~~ @AntiChristianCoalition
— Your puny #Giants are no match for our wondrous #Titans. Zeus commands you to go home! ~~~ @AncientGreekRevival
— Let’s go #Cowboys! We stand with you! ~~~ @ChurchOfSatan
Big week in Big D — The Eagles travel down to Texas this week to decide whether they or the Cowboys are in first place in the NFC East. Both teams are coming off demoralizing losses, and the two co-leaders of the division won’t face off again until the second-to-last week of the season.
But it’s more than just a football game. It’s really a morality play we get to witness twice a year, a periodic referendum on the status of the universe. Can the spreading darkness and dread of the Cowboys ethos be stopped by servants of light? Have we as a people lost our way, or is Dallas headed for a well-deserved and cleansing loss?
In times like these, my friends, we can only turn to the letters themselves for to speak truth and wisdom.
The Eagles Cowboys rivalry resumes Sunday
** Yes — Good men always best evil curses. Hurray!
Remember: You can’t spell Dallas without “all sad.” Let’s hope good prevails again.
** I’m down 8 to Dad in our weekly picks and really have no idea how I’m ever going to win a week again. ** Gawd, I really hate the Natinals.
** Thank you, Coach Pederson, for promising a win over the Cowboys next Sunday night and causing a few extra days of anxiety that I didn’t need.
Week 6 standings 1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 799.21 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 788.25 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 719.49 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 714.06 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 702.71 pts
6 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 687.11 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 670.00 pts
8 — Philly Special (Jo), 659.29 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 659.09 pts
10 — ToInfinityAndBeyond (Paul), 635.49 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 597.32 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 8.50 pts
Another huge week for Mike (167+ pts) puts him just a hair below first place (I was this close to topping 800 pts this week) and creates a big gap between the top two in the standings and the rest of the crowd. Jeff and Mom D also made impressive pushes up the charts this week, and don’t sleep on Bob climbing up from the bottom of the rankings to respectable territory.
On the flip side, bye weeks killed Dad’s momentum, and I’m pretty sure Jo hasn’t set her roster in weeks. And Anthony’s misplaced faith in the Eagles defense prompted him to leave Stefon Diggs and his 35 fantasy pts on the bench, costing him a medal position for the week.
But the biggest shocker of the week may be Joey McDeadAccount again posting big point totals — WR Marvin Hall of the Lions (not to be confused with WR Marvin Jones of the Lions) had a 58-yard catch at the start of Monday night’s game, doubling our last-place squad’s point total for the season. Joey is on pace to score 24 pts on the season, better known as a standard Lamar Jackson scoring day.
Thursday night’s game is the Chefs vs the remains of the Denver Broncos, a pivotal AFC West match-up that would be so much better on a Sunday afternoon than on a short week’s rest. Get your lineups set anyway.
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