I’ll admit that going into Saturday’s game I had very low expectations for the local Philadelphia team.
They had been underperforming, they had a lot of pressure on them, and frankly no one with any sense was picking them to win. The offense has been too unreliable, the defense has been a complete disaster.
So, when the game started, I was actually pleased with the performance. Yes, we saw the same inconsistent play. Yes, we saw some flashes of brilliance followed by incompetence. Yes, the halftime score was only six points of separation.
But the second half showed the true character of the team. They aren’t quitters. They found themselves in a tough fight and kept churning. They made some unforgivable errors, but found a way to come back from that and still show some grit and honor in the game.
That’s why I could end Saturday night happy and content with the team’s performance.
Plus, the fact that the Sixers actually won the game was a nice bonus. They’re had so few this season, and Saturday night’s victory was at least a little hopeful, much more so than the terrible loser quitter Eagles, that’s for sure. Did you see the dreck they puked onto the field Saturday? You probably should have watched the Sixers instead.
QB: Kirk Cousins, 40.20 pts -- on the wire WR: Brandon Marshall, 23.67 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Tim Hightower, 28.83 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jordan Reed, 25.10 pts -- started by Jo
K: Blair Walsh, 23.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: Arizona, 35.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
D: Akeem Ayers, 13.50 pts -- on the wire
Kirk freaking Cousins. Again. I don’t know what horrible things we as a country have done to deserve Kirk freaking Cousins as a Pro-Bowl level QB, but I bet it has something to do with Trump.
And welcome to the waiver wire year of 2015. Seven of the top weekly RBs and five of the top weekly QBs were undrafted this year, including both this week. My pay league was won by someone who started Blake Bortles, Hightower, Gary Barnidge and James White, all of whom were on the waiver wire multiple weeks into the season. And he won huge too. So, again, all those experts who make a living predicting fantasy football drafts...
“RBs stink” edition
3rd place: James Starks, -0.90 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
2nd place: Antonio Andrews, -1.40 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Will Tukuafu , -2.50 pts -- on the wire
Just realized the initials in their names spell out “JAW SAT,” which would probably be the start of a good joke of some sort. But instead I’ll just note that Starks and Andrews have been starters at various points this season and RBs all stink now. I mean, not like DeMarco Murray stink, but they stink.
** ESPN commentator and homicidal doll look-alike John Gruden said during Monday night’s Bengals/Broncos tilt that Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hill “is a great back if you can get him some blocks to put him into the secondary” and that Denver QB Brock Osweiler “can really throw the ball if you give him some time back there.”
Related, Gruden has a lot of great insights into football if you write them down for him to read.
** Saturday night’s game was another special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football, in case you were worried the NFL knew how days of the week work.
** I can’t write about the Patriots OT coin toss nonsense or Cousins kneeling when he meant to spike the ball without causing myself brain damage. You’ll have to read them on your own.
In 2014, then-Cowboys RB Demarco Murray led the league in rushing and got serious consideration for league MVP. In the offseason he signed with the Eagles. How is his 2015 season going?
** Murray is on pace for 1,150 fewer rushing yards this season than last, with a pathetic 633 rushing yards through week 16.
** He is currently 28th in the league in rushing, but should pass RBs Justin Forsett and Melvin Gordon this week … because they’re both on injured reserve.
** Murray’s longest run of the year was 30 yards. Six QBs and three WRs have longer rushes than that on the season.
** He has totaled five rushing TDs this season, leaving him tied with Kirk freaking Cousins, Tampa QB Jameis Winston, and Kansas City third-string RB Spencer Ware.
** Last season, Murray earned $1.43 million, which works out to $775 per rushing yard. This year, he made $9 million, which works out to around $13,300 per rushing yard.
** Murray is on pace for 198 fewer postseason rushing yards than last year, since his team made the playoffs last year and his current team will be staying home.
Even when they’re no longer Dallas, Cowboys players still find ways to ruin your team.
The insult anagram goes through many different phases throughout the season. Take, for example, Dallas DB Deji Olatoye and the hidden messages in his name. Early in the season, the words often emerge angry but direct, as in:
Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Evil fakes bade deceit, no joy
But as the season goes on, the evil of the Cowboys becomes more specific, more gritty and imaginative, and we see things like:
Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Yoked javelin bisected a foe
But by season’s end, we get to the dismay and distraught torture of the never-ending vileness of the entire team’s presence:
Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Believed nice day a soft joke
And when you string them all together by season’s end, you get beautiful odes reflecting the pure malevolence of the players and the team:
Defensive back Deji Olatoye
No joy -- Evil fakes bade deceit
Deviled joey knifes a cab toe
Yoked javelin bisected a foe
Believed nice day a soft joke
Blacked jive, safe to die, yo
Ohmigwad we’re totally doing more insult anagram poetry next season.
** Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving us tied for the season going into the final week. We haven’t been this close this late in the season since … seriously, I need a league historian already. I can’t keep track of all these random stats and references anymore.
** Speaking of random stats, looking up something completely unrelated I found an error in my week 10 post. Peyton Manning posted a dreadful -6.60 pts that week, which I said was the lowest single player total in league history. But of course it wasn’t -- Bears QB Rex Grossman had a six-turnover game in 2006 where he totaled -6.78 pts. I’d apologize for the error, but really I’m just writing this up so it’s easier to find next year when Eli has a 7 INT game.
** Buckeyes vs Notre Dame on New Year’s Day, in case you’re interested in seeing good football to start the year instead of waiting for the weekend NFL games.
** Eagles coach Chip Kelly got canned literally minutes before I posted this, so you're gonna have to wait another week for those jokes, OK?
Week 16 standings 1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 2176.92 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 2084.11 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1884.11 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1880.67 pts
5 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam) -- 1875.36 pts
6 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1867.94 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1779.46 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1660.88 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1631.31 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1531.50 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1382.22pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1364.62 pts
Joanna pulled within double digits of first place, so I guess anything is possible…
But, in the realm of reality, the remaining fight is for the league’s bronze medal (which does not actually exist). Mike, Ant, Sam and Mom Doyle are all within 17 pts in the battle for third. All four of them also have a chance to break the 2000 pts mark and make the league look a little lexs bad. We’ve got one final week to decide if Sam’s new team name is prescient or a mockery.
Seventh place remains a lonely island unto only me. Bob and Jim are in a death match over 8th place. And Joel pulled off the surprise of the second half of the season by jumping out of last this week, courtesy of Paul’s 39.30 week. He managed to start six injured players, a WR/TE combo that totaled 4.03 pts, and a defense that accounted for 19 pts of his total. It’s the lowest weekly total in league history, and it’s worth noting that Kirk freaking Cousins alone outscored him.
Just one more week until the Awesome Cup adds another champion to its side. Finish strong. I mean, unless you're Chip Kelly and you already got fired.
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