** The Patriots lost back-to-back games for the first time in three years, and their second home game in their last 24 in Foxboro.
** We now know the proper levels to inflate footballs for the Eagles special teams.
** The loss could cost New England a first-round bye in the playoffs -- right now, the Bengals and Dolphins are tied with the same record and ahead on tiebreakers.
** Sunday’s game featured a blocked kick returned for a TD, a punt return TD and an interception returned for a TD, only the third time that has happened in a game. The Eagles had the other two too.
** QB Tom Brady’s multiple INTs and mixed play may have taken him out of the MVP race (provided Panthers QB Cam Newton doesn’t have a similar falter).
** For just one week, you get to forget just how dysfunctional the Eagles are.
QB: Cam Newton, 46.64 pts -- started by JoWR: Allen Robinson, 33.20 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Javorius Allen, 25.93 pts -- started by me
TE: Richard Rodgers, 19.73 pts -- started by Sam
K: Chris Boswell, 16.50 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Philadelphia, 28.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Stephone Anthony, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
I tried to figure out the last time we started all the top performers in a given week, and then I gave up after going through the last two years of recaps. I need a better archivist on staff. Next year’s league dues are gonna be about $5,000 each, try and set that aside as soon as possible thanks.
“General malaise” edition
3rd place: Jacoby Jones, -1.62 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Cleveland, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
For the season, only seven players are below zero in fantasy pts. Two of the top three play for those struggling New England Patriots: WR Chris Harper, -1.66 pts, and QB Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.50 pts. Harper could catch a couple of passes and erase that, but there probably isn’t much chance that Brady is every going to let Garoppolo see the field again, as his desire to burn his enemies to the ground only rises each week.
** Just 20 minutes into the Eagles/Patriots game, Chip Kelly’s crew had already amassed 89 penalty yards, including a handful of preventable procedural errors. FOX commentator Charles Davis explained that often happens “when a team has been playing really poorly, so they come out with too much emotion, they start pressing, and then you see those mistakes.”
Or -- and this is just a thought -- maybe it’s a sign that a team is still playing poorly.
** The Washington Post’s recap of the game mentioned that the Patriots offense was missing TE Rob Gronkowski, WR Julian Edelman, and RB Dion James. I have no idea how the writer remembered how to spell Gronkowski and Edelman but screwed up Dion Lewis’ last name.
** NFL.com had a story this week about the “atrocious” NFC East, a division that boasts a combined 19-29 record, no teams over .500 and zero teams with a positive point differential on the year.
Whoops, sorry. I pulled the AFC South stats there. But I’m sure the NFC East is the worst in the history of football still.
The E-trade “ridiculous expectations” Bowl -- Cowboys vs. Chargers
-- Two terrible teams that experts picked to play late into January square off. Tony Romo starts the game, throws three picks and is hurt, and the announcers spend the next two hours talking about how great Dallas would be if he was healthy.
The Halls Cough Drops “choking dogs” Bowl -- Giants vs. Ravens
-- Every one of 4-8 Baltimore’s games has been decided by 8 pts or less. The 5-7 Giants have lost five games where they led in the 4th quarter. Amazingly, this ends in a tie.
The Oregon Board of Tourism “Oregon” Bowl -- Eagles vs. Titans
-- Every former Ducks player in the NFL now plays for Chip Kelly, except the one he really wanted: Tennessee QB Marcus Mariota. Though both sides are armed with his innovative, fast-paced, genius offense, Kelly’s Eagles win a close one, 6-3.
The Tostitos “fiesta” Bowl -- Steelers vs. Cardinals
-- No explanation given for this matchup, but it’s the one game people actually want to watch because it features two equally good opponents.
The National Championship bracket:
Patriots vs. Bengals
Panthers vs. Alabama
-- Denver gets shut out despite being the best team in the league because committee members decide their conference doesn’t have enough football history. Alabama is favored over undefeated Carolina because they know football better than you silly fans.
It has been a long season for the terrible, terrible Cowboys, and none are taking the constant chaos harder than the offensive linemen. Consider how they’d classify the team as it’s currently constituted:
Cowboys rookie O-lineman Chaz Green
** Becoming a zoo here -- only wackier, son
Cowboys O-Guard Mackenzy Bernadeau
** Arena byway mucus -- bad dreck gone zoo
Dallas Cowboys O-Guard Zack Martin
** Silly drama, card swung back to a zoo
And that’s a weird way to describe the team, until you realize what kind of help they have blocking:
Cowboys Dallas rookie Tight end Geoff Swaim
** I’m a giraffe! Wild goats! Hens! Elk! Sod cow booty!
It’s sad to see such evil people lapse into insanity.
** Went 1-1 against Dad, which leaves me three back. Stinking 49ers and Bears. Chicago misses a short field goal in regulation and lets up a 71-yard TD in overtime, or else I’d only be once back. This league...
** Ohio State squares off against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl on New Year’s Day, which will be 10 years since Ohio State squared off against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl in 2006 (and won 34-20). Because college football is running out of ideas, I guess.
** Of course the week I praise Temple football for being the only good thing in Philly sports they get crushed in their conference championship game. That’s on me, my apologies.
Week 13 standings 1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1732.32 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1615.44 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1529.23 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1522.21 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1507.11 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1465.90 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1393.97 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1389.23 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1331.75 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1322.12 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1191.74 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1137.25 pts
Dad widened his lead again. With just four weeks left to go, it’ll take a miracle push from Joanna to overtake him … or for any of the third-place contenders to overtake her. Bronze medal seems to be the most competitive spot in the league, with three legit contenders and a fourth lurking. Also, it’s a tight race for 7th place, which I believe is a tin medal.
Get ready, folks, because this stretch run is where the playoffs are decided (please note: There are still no playoffs in this league).
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