2007 fantasy league predictions

Let the guessing and taunting begin ... again. Here's how things will look in January:

TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
WHY: Heidi, still serving her suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, unofficially drafted Rodney Harrison, Wade Wilson, Shawn Merriman, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Michael Irvin for her team. It a shame that all of them, including Heidi, have set such a poor example for our children. But I bet Canseco would be pretty good on special teams...

TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
WHY: His team really isn’t that bad, but I’ve gotta penalize him for continuing his yearly tradition of skipping all worthwhile RBs in lieu of lower-scoring wideouts and more-available QBs. But with some luck and Peyton Manning, Chad Johnson, Torry Holt and Andre Johnson on this team, Jim could really surprise. Also, with some luck, Michael Vick could skip jail and become a productive NFL player again someday.

TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
WHY: Sorry, Dad. I love your loyalty, but starting McNabb, Westbrook, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis and Brent Celek makes for a bad, bad fantasy team … unless the Eagles really do score 40 each week. And even if they do, you’re in trouble in week 5. In case you missed it, Dad was so faithful to da Birds he picked up their backup kicker, E.J. Cochrane, even though the man will never play a down in the NFL.

TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
WHY: I’m renaming Bob’s squad to Team ACL – Carson Palmer, Donte Stallworth, Shaun Alexander and Adam Vinatieri all had leg injuries last year. Sure, they all claim they’re healed now, but are you gonna trust NFL doctors or me watching from my couch? The one guy on his team who was injury-free in 2006? RB Fred Taylor. And you know he’s got a good five or six more years on those bionic legs.

TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
WHY: I can’t believe the talent this team has: stud WR Issac Bruce, stud TE Jeremy Shockey, stud RBs Jamal Lewis and Deuce McCallister, the Pittsburgh defense, supserstar QB Steve McNair coming off the bench … wait, it is 2002, right? No? It’s 2007? Oh, nevermind.

TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
WHY: This team will lose because its coach wants to lose. Tony Romo, T.O., Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss? Geez, Paul, why not just draft Vick, Emmit Smith and Paris Hilton and put together a team everyone would hate? I know the computer made the actual picks, but wouldn’t you feel better if you do terrible? Let’s work out a trade for the Washington defense and we’ll see if you can tank everyone.

TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
WHY: All of Neal’s players have one- or two-syllable last names. Jones-Addai-Kitna-Brown-Chambers-Mason-Bell. Weird, huh? In my expert opinion, I think he’s one reliable wideout away from a great team, maybe a Reggie Wayne or somebody like that. By the way, you should check your trade offers. I’m just guessing.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
WHY: Jeff has some good players (an underrated RB trio of Larry Johnson, Brandon Jacobs and Clinton Portis that will surprise many) but there’s no way he finishes higher than sixth. He has players from 12 different teams on his squad. That’s 12 different bye weeks to keep track of. But week five, he’ll be lucky if he has anyone playing.

TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
WHY: Anthony won the honor of best team name and followed it up by drafting the most boring team ever. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s just nothing exciting about it either. Ahman Green? Marc Bulger? The KC defense? Eh. I guess I hate Jason Whitten because he’s on Dallas. So, yeah, I guess I hate this team. Maybe.

TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
WHY: I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne? L.T. and Philip Rivers? Hines Ward and Heath Miller? With so many teammates, it’s amazing I didn’t draft the Oakland defense twice. That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five. But I’m already trying…

TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
WHY: Two years ago I picked Jo to finish third and she finished at the bottom of the standings. Last year I picked her for the bottom and she finished third. So this year, she’s screwed. But that Tom Brady/Willie Parker/Willis McGahee/Chicago defense combo looks really, really good, too good to pretend like she’ll be in the bottom half.

TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
WHY: Mike has a handful of good RBs and reliable WRs and always manages to make a good run, so I’m guessing he’ll stay near the top three. And that’s a shame, because “szechaun” is difficult to spell, and I’m gonna end up having to put it in the recap each week. What a pain in the neck.

TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
WHY: The reigning champ always gets the benefit of the doubt – after all, he won the league without LaDanian Tomlinson last year. He has two great defenses (Baltimore and Denver), a handful of good receivers (including Reggie Bush, who is not an RB) and a RB who I already tried to trade for and got shot down (it’s the guy who’s not Fred Taylor on the Jags). Of course, the whole thing will fall apart when Vince Young goes down with a Madden-laden season-ending injury, but who’s really worried about that?

So there it is, kids. First game is Thursday night, so remember to set Drew Brees and Reggie Wayne in the starting spots before the game to get points for them.

Oh, and Reggie Wayne is on the trading block. He’s way better than Jim’s wide receivers.