Fantasy recap, Week 2

Time to play another game...

          A quick quiz to see if you belong in the NFL:
** When a pass from the QB comes in high, the wide receiver should:
A – jump and catch it
B – watch it sail by
C – jump and get both hands on it, but not bother pulling it in
** How many defensive lineman should it take to tackle a running back?
A – one
B – three
C – why would a D-lineman be in on that play?
** It’s first and 10 after your running back breaks an 18 yard run. What’s the next play?
A – another run
B – a long pass play to catch the defense off guard
C – a quick pass to a fullback that goes for –1 yards
** You’re a QB, your offense is struggling and the coach keeps looking at the backup QB. What do you do?
A – go out and scramble as if your life depends on it
B – ignore the coach's play calls and start using the run game again
C – give the press comments about the Patriots cheating scandal
          If you answered A to the questions above, you know your football. If you answered C to any of them, I think I know which 0-2 team you play for.

Top Performers

** QB: Carson Palmer, 49.04 points -- started by Bob
** RB: Jamal Lewis, 27.50 points -- sitting on Joel's bench
** WR: Chad Johnson, 36.93 points -- started by Jim
** TE: Kellen Winslow, 18.67 points -- started by Paul
** K: Phil Dawson, 15.00 points -- sitting on the wire
** DEF: Chicago, 24.00 points -- started by Joanna
          Wait, the top fantasy defense didn't come from the Browns/Bengals game too? I'm shocked.

Andy Reid blown call of the week Award

          Joel gets the award this week, for being one of thousands of fantasy victims nationwide who for some reason didn't think 700-year-old Jamal Lewis would rush for 215 yards on Sunday. Benching him alone cost Burns' Ringers almost 24 points, and all told Joel left 30 points on the bench. On the plus side, he was not caught illegally videotaping Paul's team for hints on how to win.
          Honorable mention goes to Anthony, who had three open bench spots on his team. If you told me before the season about this strategy, I'd have told you he might mistakenly go down in the standings with one or two open spots, but he can't go down with three. Not with three, he can't.

Worst performers, "defenses we started" edition

Third Place: NY Giants, -3.00 points -- started by Dad
Second Place: Cincy, -4.00 points -- started by Neal
First Place: Miami, -5.00 points -- started by Jim
          So far this season that Giants defense is worth a whopping minus-4 points .. but that's what happens when you surrender 80 points in two games. But at least they've got Michael Strahan back.

Fun with projections, week 2

** After two weeks Patriots WR Randy Moss is on pace for 2,304 receiving yards, which would smash the single-season record of 1,848. Of course, now Bengals WR Chad Johnson is on pace for 2,432 yards.
** Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson is on pace to toss 45 interceptions this year. For comparison’s sake, that sucks.
** The Giants are on pace to give up 640 points this year, shattering the record of 533, which coincidentally is how many times QB Eli Manning made that half-asleep-vacant-stare face on Sunday.

Stupidest thing I heard this week

          This really should be more of a group award -- I should give it to every NFL analyst this week who said the Patriots getting caught stealing plays didn't matter because "the players are great and Bill Belichick is a football genius." I'd be a spectacular coach too if I knew what the other team was calling.
          But somehow, even dumber than that, was John Madden on Sunday night football announcing that the Patriots didn't need any cheating to score on their opening drive, then adding, "I guarantee you there aren't any cameras looking at the San Diego sideline tonight!"
          That's funny. I could see the sideline just fine on the TV broadcast. Maybe John thinks he works for radio now.

Cowboy anagram insult of the week

          Part of the reason I hate the Cowboys so much is their ability each year to recruit completely reprehensible charaters each year; Take T.O., or Michael Irvin, or Jeffery Dahmer (he played tight end for them for a few years). This year's crop of rookies is no exception -- Just look at what kind of person "Dallas rookie tackle James Marten" is:
          ** Mean jerk eats armadillo/elk tacos **
          That's insulting several different ways to our neighbors down south, who take great pride in their cuisine. These guys are really disgusting.

Greatest player in the world update

          Delaware running back Omar Cuff had a terrible game on Saturday – a disappointing one touchdown on 56 rushing yards in the Blue Hens’ 38-9 romp over the Rhode Island Little People. Cuff’s poor play brought his three-game totals to a mere 12 touchdowns and 393 yards on the ground.
          If he’s not careful, that 18-point-130-rushing average could drop down to nothing.
          Seriously, though, he’s the greatest player ever. Cuff is a converted defensive back, which makes you realize if he had played RB his whole life he’d probably already be in the NFL with 700 rushing yards and 20 TDs after two games.

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 401.18 points
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 310.56 points
Third Place: The Moravians, Bob -- 274.58 points
          I told you Paul would come crashing back down; He only had 198 points this week. In other news, we've got two teams that don't have 198 points combined yet.

For the record

** The professional column is up.
** Yeah, Dad is up 5 games on me already, but it’s all part of my grand plan. Just like it’s part of my grand plan to sink to 8th in the standings behind LaDanian Tomlinson. No worries – I’ve got it covered.
** Seriously, are they gonna score another TD this year? The Eagles have the same number of offensive touchdowns as the Falcons, and their ace QB is tossing passes in federal prison. And Greg Lewis still hasn’t been jailed for last week.