Fantasy recap, Week 1

It’s never too early

If the playoffs started today, here’s who would be in, based on the NFL tiebreaking rules:

** NFC First round byes – Vikings (1-0), Panthers (1-0)
** NFC division winners – Cowboys (1-0), Niners (1-0)
** NFC wild cards – Packers (1-0), Seahawks (1-0)
** NFC just missing – Lions (1-0, but zero NFC wins)
** AFC First round byes – Patriots (1-0), Steelers (1-0)
** AFC division winners – Bengals (1-0), Broncos (1-0)
** AFC wild cards teams – Texans (1-0), Titans (1-0)
** AFC just missing – Colts and Chargers (both 1-0, but zero AFC wins)

          It’s depressing that even under this ridiculous scenario, the Patriots still get their conference’s number one seed and the Lions still can’t make the playoffs.

Top Performers

** QB: Tony Romo, 42.90 – started by Paul
** RB: LaMont Jordan, 27.93 – sitting on Paul’s bench
** WR: Plaxico Burress, 35.60 – started by Paul
** TE: Antonio Gates, 22.13 – started by Bob
** K: Jason Hanson, 14.00 – started by Jo
** DEF: Minnesota, 32.00 – started by Dad
          Paul also started the number two WR on the week (Randy Moss, 27.20) and the sixth- and seventh-best wideouts (Steve Smith, 21.70, and T.O., 20.80) en route to a rare 200-plus point performance. Imagine if he had Lamont Jordan in his lineup instead of Steven Jackson (a 24-point difference).

Andy Reid blown call of the week Award

          Normally I’d make fun here of people like Anthony for having four open bench spots on his team or ridiculing the dolt who left 37 points on his bench (mostly in the form of the Green Bay defense) but the award’s namesake just keeps getting dumber. If I may paraphrase the great Roman philosopher G-money, you know you’re in a terrible situation when Reno Mahe is the answer. And when you blow a game trying to figure that out … that earns you at least a week’s ridicule.
          Honorable mention goes to Ant, for the reasons above; Jeff, who lost nine points by starting his two defenses (Dallas and the Jets) and scored only 66 points; and that idiot who thought the Green Bay defense (19.00) would be worth less than the Oakland D (00.00).

Worst performers, Eagles KR edition

Third Place: Correll Buckhalter, 2.00 points – sitting on the wire
Second Place: J.R. Reed, -0.68 points – sitting on the wire
First Place: Greg Lewis, -1.92 points – sitting on the wire
          All of them are jobless in our league … and should be jobless in the NFL too. Possibly in jail as well.

Fun with projections

** Titans RB Chris Brown (175 rushing yards on Sunday) is on pace to rush for 2,800 yards this season, smashing the single-season record of 2,105.
** Patriots WR Randy Moss (183 receiving yards on Sunday) is on pace to catch 2,928 yards this season, smashing the single-season record of 1,848.
** Giants WR Plaxico Burress (three TDs on Sunday) is on pace to score 48 touchdowns this season, smashing the single-season record of 31 TDs.
** The Falcons (three points on Sunday) are on pace to score 48 points this season, which coincidentally is also how many months Vick is projected to serve in jail for dog fighting.

Stupidest thing I heard this week

          It took only about 10 minutes into the new season for my brain to seize up, thanks to Al Michaels. During the Colts/Saints game, he let me know that the Indianapolis dome “might not be the biggest stadium in the NFL, but it’s the loudest tonight!”
          That’s a bold statement, considering it was a Thursday game and it was the only stadium with a game in play that night. Although I bet the Linc is pretty loud when no one is there.


Notable performances

** Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson had more passing TDs on Sunday (one) than QBs Brett Favre, Jeff Garcia, Rex Grossman, Jason Campbell and Drew Brees had combined this weekend (zero).
** Saints QB Drew Brees had as many receptions this weekend (one) as WRs Donte Stallworth, Joe Horn, Mushin Muhammad and Reggie Brown … and one more than Seattle’s #1 receiver Deion Branch (zero).
** Cowboys WR Terrell Owens had more TD catches Sunday (two) than brain cells (one).
** Giants QB Eli Manning had more season-threatening injuries on Sunday (one) than Donovan McNabb (zero). He is also currently tied for 25th in the league for career playoff wins (zero) with Tony Romo, Jason Campbell, Marcus Vick and the three-month old bag of pretzels I have in the kitchen.

Cowboy anagram insult of the week

         By now you've heard that one of the 'boys wide receivers came up with a knee injury before the game this week, but it didn't stop them from embarrassing the Giants on Sunday night. But will there be long-term damage to the team? Just looking at "Dallas Cowboys wideout Terry Glenn" seems to confirm that:
         ***OW! OW! Oy! Leg ends tilt, club's year. Darn.**
         Oh, well. It was a nice tilt while it lasted.

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 202.87 points
Second Place: Giuliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 165.02 points
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 144.53 points
          Have fun while you can, kids – This was quite possibly the greatest fantasy week for wideouts in the last 10 years, and one of the worst for RBs. You’ll come crashing back down again soon.

For the record

** The professional column is back, despite popular demand.
** I can't be sure, but I think Dad might already be up four in the yearly picks. But my fantasy team is ahead of his, so it's all good.
** Boy, that Reggie Wayne sure looks good.
** Sorry I didn't fit in a Delaware recap this week, but I'm busy building a shrine to their RB, who has seven TDs after two games. He's totally carrying my Division 1-AA fantasy football team.