So, in an effort to bring sanity to the league, I am declaring week 12 over. All weekly payouts will be settled tonight (expect your $0 checks to arrive in the mail in five to 17 weeks). Tomorrow has been declared week 12.5, which means nothing fantasy wise, other than I will not wait to post this recap.
But to calm your concerns, I want you know that the uncertainty of this week does not in any way take the shine off of the Awesome Cup, or its legacy. In fact, it may strengthen it and make it gleam even brighter. Can the NFL’s bumbling hurt the greatest prize in all of sports? Can a few sick Ravens dim the eternal light that streams from its surface? No, of course not. The problems of mere mortals cannot harm this gift the gods of football have bestowed upon us.
So remember, no matter how dark, how confusing this season is, the Awesome Cup remains our beacon of guidance, our singular driving force to persevere through 2020. It is there for the taking, if you are strong enough. It is our hope.
And it’s also a reminder to check in during the week to see what screwiness is happening with the games next Sunday, because it’s gonna be a mess on your rosters.
WR: Tyreek Hill, 42.43 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 37.27 pts — started by Paul
TE: Robert Tonyan, 12.97 pts — on Mom’s bench
K: Younghoe Koo, 21.00 pts — started by Paul
DEF: Atlanta, 31.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jeremy Chinn, 21.50 pts — on the wire
Buckle up, folks. This is wild.
First, here’s who didn’t make the top performers list: QB Patrick Mahomes, who threw for 462 yds and three TDs (5 fantasy pts behind Watson); RB Antonio Gibson, who ran for three TDs on Thanksgiving against the Cowboys (4 fantasy pts behind Henry); WR Will Fuller, who had 171 receiving and two TDs on Thanksgiving (12 pts behind Hill). Forget about Seahawks WR DW Metcalf, he had a pedestrian 10 catches for 177 yds and no TDs.
Henry rushed for 178 yds and three TDs to erase Gibson’s performance, Mahomes’ game wasn’t enough to blot out Watson’s four TDs and 318 passing, and Hill obliterated everything this week. His 13 catches for 269 yds and three TDs were the best fantasy performance by a wideout since 2000 (when Jacksonville WR Jimmy Smith had 15 catches for 291 yds and three TDs).
And that’s not even the craziest stat of the weekend.
Atlanta came into the game against the Raiders — who had scored 30-plus points in five of their last six games — having scored only 23 defensive points in their previous 10 games. They had 31 on Sunday: five sacks, five turnovers, one defensive TD and only six pts allowed.
And that’s not even the craziest stat of the weekend.
That belongs to Panthers CB Chinn, who had seven tackles and scored a TD on a QB fumble returned for a TD at the start of the third quarter of his team’s game against the Vikings. Then, on the next offensive play, Chinn picked up a fumble by Vikings RB Dalvin Cook and returned that for another TD.
That’s touchdowns on consecutive plays for a defensive back, the first time ever in NFL history. It put him in the top 25 of all fantasy players this week, offense or defense. And by the way, Chinn is a rookie.
“Everybody sucks” edition3rd place: KJ Hamler, -0.80 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Patrick Laird, -1.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kendall Hilton, -2.78 pts — on the wire
Five defenses scored negative points this week, including the Bears, who had a rock-bottom -6.00 pts performance. But the offenses beat them this week.
That’s because nine offensive players — NINE! — were in the fantasy red this week (and that’s before the maybe-Wednesday game is played).
Hilton, Broncos practice squad WR who was forced to play QB after the league ruled FOUR Broncos quarterbacks ineligible due to covid (but refused to postpone the game, for reasons), led the way for the worst players of the week with a miserable line of nine attempts, one completion for 13 yds, and two INTs. That’s a QB rating of 0.00, which is as bad as you can do. In his defense, he is not a QB.
Teammate and fellow WR-not-QB Hamler also got in on the fun, rushing twice for -8 yds. Titans QB Logan Woodside (who I have never heard of before this moment) knelt three times for -5 yds to end his team’s victory and score -0.50 pts. Falcons QB Matt Schaub (who made the Pro Bowl in 2009 and I thought retired the next year) similarly scored -0.40 pts. Three other wideouts and a Cleveland TE rounded out the rest of the loser list for the week.
** In 2017, when then Bengals QB Andy Dalton led a win over the Ravens in the final week of the season, Buffalo fans donated thousands to his charity as a thank-you for helping the Bills get into the playoffs with the upset win.Earlier this year, Bills fans again donated in droves to Buffalo QB Josh Allen’s charity just days after the passing of his grandmother, a move the QB called emotionally energizing.
And on Sunday, NFL.com reported, since his Thanksgiving Day win over the Lions, Texans QB DeShaun Watson has seen thousands in donations from Detroit fans to his charity “as a show of appreciation for Watson's four-touchdown performance” against the home team.
Um, no. Following Watson’s blockbuster fantasy day and the resulting embarrassing Detroit loss, team owners fired both GM Bob Quinn and head coach Matt Patricia. Those donations aren’t “appreciation” of a good QB performance, they are a fan base saying thank-you for getting rid of incompetent managers.
The league-owned website said the new wave of generosity was “just like” the Dalton and Allen situations. Don’t sugar-coat it, NFL.com. This is a total screw-you donation, not a heartwarming story of the love of football.
** Ahead of the weekend’s games, NFL.com listed Raiders QB Derek Carr as the #8 passer in the league, with all of their fantasy experts saying he was a clear top-10 player. “If this is a prove-it year for Derek Carr, he's doing just that.”
On Sunday, Carr passed for 215 yards, threw one interception returned for a TD and fumbled away the ball three other times against that anemic Falcons defense I mentioned before.
So, yeah, he proved something.
Remember that Broncos game where the fifth-string practice-squad QB had to start? Here’s a look at the first 15 offensive plays for Denver in that game:
Five plays, 22 yds, punt
Three plays, -2 yds, punt
Three plays, 6 yds, punt
Three plays, 1 yd, punt
One play, -1 yd (partial series)
That’s 26 yds on 15 plays, or slightly less than 2 yds a play. NFL analysts rightly attacked the game as a joke, saying it was unfair to refer to the Broncos as playing “professional” football given their complete lack of offensive talent.
And yet, there was another team that had an even worse opening this week:
Three plays, 5 yds, punt
Three plays, 1 yd, punt
Three plays, -11 yds, punt
Three plays, -4 yds, punt
Three plays, 8 yds, punt
That’s 15 plays for a total of -1 yd, a truly remarkable achievement for a team that has a former Pro Bowl QB, a former Pro Bowl center and four wideouts drafted in the first two rounds on its current roster.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present your 2020 Philadelphia Eagles. They’re scored 17 points in each of their last three games, and absolutely no one knows how it wasn’t zero each time.
The annual Cowboys Thanksgiving day game was a rare reason for celebration this year, as the Dallas team was embarrassed by the Maryland nameless squad 41-16 in front of a national audience. The result came as a surprise to many, as the home Cowboys were favored in the match up. But, naturally, it shouldn’t have been a shock, because the result was clearly spelled out in the name of the event itself:** Cowboys traditional Thanksgiving game
It’s dog-beating TV. Choking away is normal
Please do not beat your dogs just because the Cowboys are on TV. It’s not their fault.
** Another week, another win over Dad. I went 2-1 in my picks against him, extending my season lead to 11 with just five weeks of football left. In keeping with my streak of last-second victories, I gained a point when the Vikings scored their winning TD in the final 30 seconds of their game against the Panthers. I’m pretty sure I have a losing record against the spread this year, but I’m picking winners straight up at almost a 70-percent clip. ** Good news for the Penn State crowd, who on Saturday got to see their team finally win a game this year. And even better news — since they’re 1-5, they have the six games played to qualify for the conference championship. At the rate the Big Ten is going, they may end up there by default. That’s the best kind of championship game invite!
** I’m not absolving Wentz in any way here, but the Eagles passed up reasonable second-half FG attempts in the Seattle game, the Ravens game and the Browns game. They lost the first two games by three points, the last one by five points.
There’s an alternate universe with the same bad QB play and coaching that isn’t actively bad where the Eagles are 6-4-1. There’s another with mediocre QB play and mediocre coaching where the team is 8-3.
Week 12 standings 1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 1549.57 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1526.18 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 1492.11 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 1482.57 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 1470.94 pts
6 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1415.11 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 1333.84 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 1305.50 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 1272.81 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul). 1209.38 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 994.65 pts
Big weeks for Mike (147 pts) and Bob (169 pts!) toss their teams back at the top of the standings, although it should be noted that Jo’s Pittsburgh defense could give her enough points to pass Bob again if that game ever gets played.
Similarly, Mom still has two players to go in that game, including K Justin Tucker (probably good for 6 pts?). If not, we’d have to make fun of her for barely breaking 50 pts this week, when Bob had almost that amount with just one player (Tyreek freaking Hill).
This is where I usually tell you to set your rosters early, but I don’t know when waivers are going to run, or when the next game is, or if football even counts anymore. I do know that even if the entire upcoming weekend of football is cancelled in the next few days, I’m still putting the Eagles down for a loss. Although, it may be easier for them to score points without their offense on the field.
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