Some saw the postponement of the Titans/Bills game to Tuesday night this week because of coronavirus concerns as a sign of looming misfortune for the NFL. But the NFL saw it as a unique opportunity to free themselves of the shackles of expected football times, and embrace the future they have always wanted: unlimited football.
Here’s what is on tap for coming weeks:
** Wednesday night football: What’s the only night of the week that the NFL has never had a game? Let’s fix that now! Will it count for the week before or the week after? Will teams be expected to play on three days rest? Answer: Who cares!?! It’s a chance to claim another night of television for the NFL commercial salesfolks.
** Saturday morning football: The pros have always stayed away from Saturday afternoon to avoid conflicts with college football. But there’s a big block of open time between 8am and noon that is currently unoccupied by any football. Who’s up for some Bengals vs. Jets over Cheerios?
** Sunday midnight games: NFL has tried to pick up fans in Europe, but what about China? It’s the largest untapped football market out there. A few games in the wee hours of Sunday morning — putting them mid-afternoon in Beijing — should help ease the fan base there into the excitement.
** Blursday afternoon football: If you think the NFL isn’t powerful enough to create an eighth day of the week and force football in there, think again.
WR: Chase Claypool, 35.43 pts — on the wire
RB: Mike Davis, 23.40 pts — started by me
TE: Jonju Smith, 17.70 pts — started by Mom D
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 29.00 pts — started by Joel
D: Patrick Queen, 17.00 pts — on the wire
It’s not every week that a rookie wide receiver is the top points scorer, but it’s also not every week that a rookie wideout gets to ride the Philadelphia defense wheel of fun.
This week, Claypool dinged the Eagles secondary for 110 receiving yards and four TDs (one rushing) in a monster fantasy performance. Last week, it was San Francisco TE George Kittle, who had 15 catches for 183 yds and a TD. The week before, Bengals WR Tyler Boyd had 10 catches for 125 yds. Against the Rams a week earlier? TE Tyler Higbee had only 54 yds receiving but also three TDs.
Now, I’m not a professional-level defensive coordinator, but the Eagles staff doesn’t seem to have that either, so here’s my suggestion: See what guy scores first, and then try covering him for the rest of the game. Like, triple team him. I don’t care if that means seven different people score. Stop letting one guy beat you every week. Or, you know, just stop it one week.
“Names you know” edition3rd place: Ke’Shawn Vaughn, -0.67 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.92 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike Thomas, -1.00 pts — on the wire
Vaughn was a popular waiver wire pickup this week, and rewarded desperate fantasy owners with an awful performance of two catches and one fumble. New Orleans WR Michael Thomas didn’t play this week and still managed to score more fantasy points than his name doppelganger, Bengals WR Mike Thomas, who had one rush, one catch and one fumble.
But the headline of the week was Garoppolo, a Super Bowl QB nine months ago, getting benched in the second half for poor play. He had seven completions for 77 yds and two interceptions, compiling a QB rating of 15.9 — less than half of your QB rating of 36.8 (one attempt, no completions/yds/TDs/INTs).
The 49ers coaching staff later said that Garoppolo was benched to protect him because the game was out of reach and he was coming off a recent injury. Also, watching himself play anymore may have caused an upset stomach.
** The CBS football ticker running after the Chiefs/Raiders game announced that “David Carr and the Raiders hand Kansas City their first loss since November 2019.”I guess “13-game winning streak” wasn’t impressive sounding enough. Calling it an 10-month undefeated streak is much better, considering they played football in three of them.
** During the Vikings/Seahawks game, with Minnesota up 13-0, Seattle charged down the field and scored a TD with 10 minutes to go in the 3rd quarter. NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth said that the Vikings offense needed to get moving, because a six-point lead is not much for the explosive Seattle offense to overcome.
Over the next six plays, the Vikings turned over the ball twice and Seattle scored two more TDs. And then Collinsworth announced that “now the Vikings have a problem.”
To the football novice, giving up 21 points in less than two minutes of game time may not seem like a problem, given that there are 60 minutes in a whole game. But Collinsworth’s keen sense of the game seems to be on the right track here. Did you know that NFL teams don’t typically score at a pace of 630 points per game? And that when they do score that quickly, even over a short period, it can leave teams in a significant hole on the scoreboard?
A few minutes later, Collinsworth confused a field goal and a touchdown, but I think such minor mistakes can be forgiven given the deep analysis he’s involved in nearly every broadcast.
** Ahead of this weekend’s game, Eagles coach Doug Pederson said that second-year wideout J.J. Arcega-Whiteside “is still a part of what we’re doing” on offense and “he’ll be ready for Sunday.”
In fact, he was neither part of the offense (1 catch for 37 yards) nor ready for Sunday. His only catch was in bounds when the Eagles had no timeouts left, and helped run out the clock instead of giving the birds a chance at a field goal.
JJAW, who the Eagles coaching staff insists still could live up to his late second-round potential, now has 10 catches for 169 yds and one TD in 19 career appearances. Travis Fulgham, a former sixth-round pick who the Eagles literally picked out of a trash bin late last month, had 10 catches for 152 yds and one TD on Sunday alone. But, sure, keep trotting JJAW out there.
Now that the Lakers have won their 17th championship (tied for the most of an NBA franchise), here’s a short list of cities that aren’t allowed to whine about any of their sports teams until 2050:
1 — Boston: Always at the top of the list. They complained mightily about the Red Sox’ “drought” of 86 years while their three other sports teams brought home a combined 20 tiles over that span. And since 2004, they’ve won 10 more. Enough. Forever.
2 — Los Angeles: I don’t care if the Dodgers haven’t won one since 1988, even after eight straight division titles. You have six NBA titles in the last 20 years, including one Lebron James handed to you as a reward for tanking for a half-decade. Plus you somehow got two football teams even though you never supported your old ones.
3 — New York: Nobody cares how long it has been since your last championship, because you always remind us the Yankees have 27 rings. Plus none of your football teams play in the city. If you want to include them in your championship totals, you might as well include the Boston wins as “New York adjacent” too.
4 — Green Bay: Green Bay is the 297th largest city in America. It’s also tied for 10th on the all-time list of sports championships in U.S. history. Baltimore is five times larger and has one fewer championship. Good work on overachieving. Now accept that you have more than you deserve.
5 — Dallas: You are the center of evil in the world today. All good people must unite to stop your villany from advancing any further.
6 — Tampa: Look, at this point I have to root for the Rays to win the World Series as the only palatable team left. But you just got your second NHL championship (hockey! In Florida! The birthplace of ice sports!) and have enough college football history nearby to keep you busy. Stay out of the big leagues after this next one.
2 — Los Angeles: I don’t care if the Dodgers haven’t won one since 1988, even after eight straight division titles. You have six NBA titles in the last 20 years, including one Lebron James handed to you as a reward for tanking for a half-decade. Plus you somehow got two football teams even though you never supported your old ones.
3 — New York: Nobody cares how long it has been since your last championship, because you always remind us the Yankees have 27 rings. Plus none of your football teams play in the city. If you want to include them in your championship totals, you might as well include the Boston wins as “New York adjacent” too.
4 — Green Bay: Green Bay is the 297th largest city in America. It’s also tied for 10th on the all-time list of sports championships in U.S. history. Baltimore is five times larger and has one fewer championship. Good work on overachieving. Now accept that you have more than you deserve.
5 — Dallas: You are the center of evil in the world today. All good people must unite to stop your villany from advancing any further.
6 — Tampa: Look, at this point I have to root for the Rays to win the World Series as the only palatable team left. But you just got your second NHL championship (hockey! In Florida! The birthplace of ice sports!) and have enough college football history nearby to keep you busy. Stay out of the big leagues after this next one.
St. Louis, I'm watching you. You're not on the list for now, but keep your nose clean.
One of the interesting things about rookies in the NFL is they can give fans a new perspective on what the leadership situation is on current teams. Are there individuals who can inspire them? Are there toxic personalities that stunt their growth as players?
One of the interesting things about rookies in the NFL is they can give fans a new perspective on what the leadership situation is on current teams. Are there individuals who can inspire them? Are there toxic personalities that stunt their growth as players?
For an individual like Bradlee Anae, the Cowboys fifth-round pick last spring, the results so far have been surprising. Just look at what his name says about the current chain of command in Dallas:
Cowboys rookie DE Bradlee Anae
** A nadir: We obey coke dealers. Boo.
I know Anae thinks this is a low point for the franchise, but honestly, we’ve suspected most of the coaching staff and ownership were drug dealers for a few decades now.
** Lost both of my picks against Dad this week, so my lead drops to plus-four on the season. But the real loss here is on Dad’s side, because after two weeks of me taunting him over his misplaced faith in the Raiders, he picked against them on Sunday and they scored the biggest upset of the season so far. That’s gonna get in his head for the rest of the season.
** Less than two weeks until Big Ten football starts and the pundits start complaining about how schools like Ohio State and Penn State are endangering student-athletes even though the SEC has been playing non-stop since August without anyone really raising any alarms. But, you know, SEC football always gets the positive spin.
** If the Eagles ever do start winning, though, we all may need to get Fulgham jerseys. The best sports team name in the world is the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters, I’m working on “FulgHam Fighters” T-shirts already but running into problems with Japanese copyright law.
Week 5 standings
1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 703.04 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 694.55 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 679.98 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 679.08 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 646.28 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 638.81 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 622.02 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 609.53 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 544.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 535.03 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 462.60 pts
Bob’s reign of terror is over for the moment, as Mike’s squad becomes the first to top 700 pts on the season. And his team is unlikely to give up that lead, with all-star QB Dak Prescott just racking up the yards with another big perfor… aaaand he’s dead. Best of luck, Mike.
We remain sequestered in our separate points islands, with our top four living the tropical escape life on their island; Mom D, Joanna and me on the undeveloped jungle patch a few miles away; and Dad, Paul and Joel on the barren rock out in the middle of the Pacific. Ant is swimming between islands at the moment, pray he doesn’t get eaten by sharks.
This week’s Thursday night game is … cancelled! Because of covid! But don’t worry, the NFL rescheduled the Chiefs/Bills game for Monday at 5pm, so it’s still super inconvenient to watch. The league is always thinking of you and how to make your football distraction just a little bit harder to watch.
Cowboys rookie DE Bradlee Anae
** A nadir: We obey coke dealers. Boo.
I know Anae thinks this is a low point for the franchise, but honestly, we’ve suspected most of the coaching staff and ownership were drug dealers for a few decades now.
** Lost both of my picks against Dad this week, so my lead drops to plus-four on the season. But the real loss here is on Dad’s side, because after two weeks of me taunting him over his misplaced faith in the Raiders, he picked against them on Sunday and they scored the biggest upset of the season so far. That’s gonna get in his head for the rest of the season. ** Less than two weeks until Big Ten football starts and the pundits start complaining about how schools like Ohio State and Penn State are endangering student-athletes even though the SEC has been playing non-stop since August without anyone really raising any alarms. But, you know, SEC football always gets the positive spin.
** If the Eagles ever do start winning, though, we all may need to get Fulgham jerseys. The best sports team name in the world is the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters, I’m working on “FulgHam Fighters” T-shirts already but running into problems with Japanese copyright law.
Week 5 standings 1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 703.04 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 694.55 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 679.98 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 679.08 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 646.28 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 638.81 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 622.02 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 609.53 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 544.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 535.03 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 462.60 pts
Bob’s reign of terror is over for the moment, as Mike’s squad becomes the first to top 700 pts on the season. And his team is unlikely to give up that lead, with all-star QB Dak Prescott just racking up the yards with another big perfor… aaaand he’s dead. Best of luck, Mike.
We remain sequestered in our separate points islands, with our top four living the tropical escape life on their island; Mom D, Joanna and me on the undeveloped jungle patch a few miles away; and Dad, Paul and Joel on the barren rock out in the middle of the Pacific. Ant is swimming between islands at the moment, pray he doesn’t get eaten by sharks.
This week’s Thursday night game is … cancelled! Because of covid! But don’t worry, the NFL rescheduled the Chiefs/Bills game for Monday at 5pm, so it’s still super inconvenient to watch. The league is always thinking of you and how to make your football distraction just a little bit harder to watch.
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