Fantasy league 2020 -- week 6 recap

At the end of Sunday’s Eagles/Ravens game, the only two players on offense who were starters on opening day were QB Carson Wentz and C Jason Kelce. And while Wentz is doing everything he can to get himself benched, it is also clear that his motivations may stem from a desire not to be killed and buried alongside his teammates because of the porous offensive line.

With that in mind, here are a few possible solutions to the pass-protection and run-blocking problems of the team:

** Sumo wrestlers: The Japan Sumo Association opted to cancel the Summer Grand Tournament earlier this year but has re-opened play in recent weeks. But a bunch of these guys are still probably out of work at the moment. Why not try to just drop a few human mountains on the line and see if it slows down the defense? They won’t be agile, but at least running around them might take a few extra seconds.

** Use JJ Arcega-Whiteside: He’s worthless as a wide receiver. But maybe if the offensive line picks him up and throws him at the defensive ends at the start of each play, he can actually help the offense for a change.

** Proper scouting and drafting of players: I’ve heard this helps get professional level linesmen, but it sounds kind of crazy to me.

** Rick Lovato on every down: Who needs protection when your QB is 15 yards behind the line of scrimmage? Have the long snapper toss it way back to Wentz, who can use his arm to toss bombs for 3-yard gains.

** Maybe get rid of the ball faster: I dunno, instead of trying to duck five oncoming rushers. It’s worth a shot.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 40.00 pts — started by Jo
WR: Justin Jefferson, 29.57 pts — on Joel’s bench
RB: Derrick Henry, 33.42 pts — started by Paul
TE: Trey Burton, 17.97 pts — on the wire
K: Brandon McManus, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Miami, 20.00 pts — started by me
DEF: (tie) Tampa Bay, 20.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Tae Crowder, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Always good to see Burton — the second-best quarterback in Super Bowl LII (one completion to Nick Foles for a TD) — getting some well-deserved attention.

There’s not much that’s worse than losing to a team that only scores field goals, but McManus helped hand the New Covid Patriots their third loss of the season with his six field goals on Sunday.

For the record, there have been three times in history when a team has kicked seven field goals in a game, scored no TDs and won. The only fun one worth highlighting was the 1989 Vikings/Rams contest, where Minnesota K Rich Karlis booted his seventh, a 40-yarder, at the end of regulation to send the game into overtime. The Vikings later won the game … on a blocked punt safety, 23-21. That’s a lot of attention on kicking for one game.

Oh also Watson and Henry were absolute monsters this week and that Tennessee/Houston game was lit and maybe the Texans are good again and whatever let’s get back to kicking trivia.

“Bad decisions” edition

3rd place: Minnesota, -2.00 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Dallas, -5.00 pts — started by Joel 

Care to guess what the worst fantasy player in all the NFL is right now? That would be the Dallas defense, worth -2.00 pts after six weeks of play. No team has surrendered more points (210, on pace for 560, which would be an NFL record) or recorded fewer turnovers (three, tied with Green Bay). They’ve been worth negative fantasy points three times already this year and scored a zero in week 3 versus Seattle. If not for a fumbler return for a TD against the Giants last week, they’d be in negative double digits.

Oh, and their team is still in first place in the NFC East, because everything about 2020 is just terrible.


** Because the NFL can’t get any dumber, the Cardinals/Cowboys game at 8pm Monday was “Monday Night Football” but the Chiefs/Bills game played at 5pm Monday was “a special Monday edition of Thursday Night Football.”

And before you say that could make sense, since the Chiefs game was supposed to have been played on Thursday night, remember that half of the time the Thursday night games are “a special Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football.” So, really, the game should have been “a special Monday edition of the Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football.”

But it would be ridiculous to say that, of course.

** The Dolphins, a team that is 3-3 and hasn’t finished with a winning record since 2008, announced Tuesday they are benching QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in favor of rookie Tua Tagovailoa because “it’s about the team,” according to league source to local Miami press.

Fitzpatrick boasts a 95.0 QB rating on the year and is in the top 12 in passing yards and completion percentage, but sure, the team probably needs a rookie to help them get over the hump.

** In an interview with CBS this week, Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was asked what it means to be the highest-paid player in football. His response was “I’m just glad that I’m financially secure and able to take care of my family.”

Look, I get athlete-speak, but you signed a $503 million contract for the next 10 years. He makes about $100K every eight minutes of football this season, whether he’s on the field or on the bench. I think that’s a little more than basic financial security.
 

Ohio State plays its first game of the college football season this week, a showdown against Nebraska in Columbus in front of a crowd of only staff and family. Here’s what to expect from the unusual eight-week season:

** Week 1 — Ohio State wins. The drop from #5 in the polls to #7 because “they haven’t played enough games.” The Pac-12’s top team, Oregon, is moved ahead of them, boasting an 0-0 record, as their first game isn’t until Nov. 7.

** Week 2 — Ohio State wins. ESPN runs a feature questioning whether the Big Ten is endangering student athletes by allowing games to take place amid the pandemic. The piece is followed by a glowing tribune to the still-active tailgating scene on SEC campuses.

** Week 3 — Ohio State wins. They drop from #7 to #8 because of last season’s loss to Clemson in the playoffs.

** Week 4 — Ohio State wins. Notre Dame loses by five touchdowns to Clemson. The Fighting Irish are moved up to #3 in the rankings for putting up a good fight.

** Week 5 — Ohio State wins. The NCAA cancels all remaining games, citing skyrocketing cases of coronavirus among SEC and ACC teams. The Big Ten is blamed for not having strict enough precautions to keep those teams safe.

** Week 6 — Ohio State is upset by Illinois, in large part because no team members travel to Illinois.

** Week 7 — Despite no games on the week, Alabama is awarded the National Championship, because they had that one good win against an overrated Georgia team.

** Week 8 — Even with no players on the field, Ohio State beats Michigan by 14.

If you think I’m overreacting, ESPN this week is welcoming back Ohio State football with a several-thousand word feature on … the time in 2010 when the Ohio University mascot hit Brutus Buckeye with a sucker punch. SEC football got glowing scouting reports of their squads ahead of their first games, but sure, there’s no bias to see there. 

With the gruesome injury to Dallas QB Dak Prescott last week, the Cowboys front office was forced to rearrange their depth chart hastily this week. Longtime Bengals QB Andy Dalton (Lo, dandy tan) is the new starter for the team. Cowboys seventh round draft pick Ben DiNucci was elevated to the backup role. Pundits were concerned about his fit when the team selected him, but a quick look at the letters in his name show why he’s a perfect fit:

New Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Ben DiNucci
** A wreck: no quickness, wobbly pace, bad cut. A club nadir.

Of course, Dalton looked bad enough on Monday night that maybe the Cowboys should consider putting DiNucci’s wobbly feet in there.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, but since one of mine was the Cowboys to thump the Cardinals, I was happy to be wrong. And I mean really wrong. I thought I was gonna have to call the cops on that beat down. I remain four ahead of Dad in the yearly standings.

** The Dodgers/Rays World Series means one city is guaranteed to get two championships this year, so I think we should all agree none of the trophies count before one of these shantytowns decides to get all uppity about their success.


Week 6 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 815.61 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 808.51 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 799.30 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 775.12 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 773.44 pts
6 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 727.18 pts
7 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 725.34 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 716.14 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 688.08 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 643.07 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 505.66 pts

Remember when I made fun of Mike for losing his starting QB last week? He picked up Ryan Tannehill off the waiver wire and got 36.56 pts out of him. Jerk.

Big week from Joanna, who pulled herself from loser island (occupants: Ant and me) to the shores of the promised land. And a huge week from Paul gets him swimming from the ocean pit of despair (occupants: Dad and Joel) towards loser island, which is kind of an upgrade? I dunno. I lost this whole maritime metaphor somewhere in the waves.

The Thursday night game is Eagles versus Giants, so get your teams ready … by removing all of the Eagles and Giants from your starting spots. I can’t believe the presidential debate may be preferable to watching this ugly fest.