** Nelson “Next Time” Agholor -- The promising young wideout promises he won’t drop the ball the next time you throw it his way.
** Nolan “The Detective” Carroll -- This CB know the most on the team about PI’s, with four pass interference penalties in five games.
** Halapoulivaati “The Revolver” Vaitai -- That’s not a firearm reference. Instead, it’s about his imitation of a revolving door when pass rushers approach.
** Mychal “Missed Tackle” Kendricks -- The starting LB is 10th on the team in tackles but first in gently brushing by opponents in the backfield.
** Lane “The Supplement” Johnson -- Like any good supplement, he brings extra strength and power to the offensive line. Yeah, that’s why that’s his nickname.
In other news, it’s possible the Eagles still have a lot of issues to resolve.
QB: Drew Brees, 40.60 pts -- started by Paul WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 28.80 pts -- started by Dad
RB: LeSean McCoy, 33.13 pts -- started by Bob
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 20.30 pts -- started by Ant
K: Three players, 13.00 pts -- all on the wire
DEF: San Diego, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
D: David Irving, 12.00 pts -- on the wire
Odell Beckham is well known for his sideline stunts and breakdowns, but you may not have known that his first name is actually Terrance. I wonder why he doesn’t go by T.O. … I mean, he’s already imitating that wideout's morale-killing talents.
Only one defense so far this season has recorded a blocked kick, a safety, a defensive TD and a special teams TD. That would be your Philadelphia Eagles, who have allowed 737 yards of offense to opponents in the last two weeks.
And we had a backup RB rush for 200-plus yards (Jay Ajayi) and not be the top performer fantasy-wise at his position this week.
So, I don’t know. Football is a cruel game.
“Just lousy” edition
3rd place: Keshawn Martin, -1.26 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jordan Taylor, -1.43 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Carolina, -3.00 pts -- started by Jeff
Carolina was assumed to be one of the better defenses in the league this year. But after a month and a half, they’re ranked 20th in fantasy points, and have surrendered more points on the season than all but two other teams (Cleveland and San Francisco). The Super Bowl losers are now 1-5 heading into their bye week, where they are four-point underdogs. Football is a cruel, cruel sport.
** Best ad of the week comes from Sport Illustrated, where the NFL Network took out a full page for their Thursday Night Football slate. “Anything can happen on Thursdays!” the ad exclaims. And then they list the 13 upcoming games, four of which are on Sundays and Saturdays. So … I guess time travel can happen on Thursdays too?
** Far be it from me to ridicule the good folks at the Red Zone channel, who usually help me avoid hearing stupid commentary from better-paid announcers across the league every Sunday, but this week host Scott Hanson got his basic math screwed up in the excitement of two big finishes.
“So the Panthers find themselves down eight and need a touchdown and two-point conversion to tie this game. And over in the New York/Baltimore game, the Ravens find themselves in the same situation, needing a touchdown after the last Giants’ score put them up four.”
That’s not the same situation. One team needs five points to win, one needs eight to tie. If both teams somehow got a safety, the Ravens would be in great shape and the Panthers would have still been screwed.
For the record, both teams lost, as did we, the viewers.
College Gameday on ESPN always has the best signs, but when they hit schools that don’t traditionally get big prime-time games, they seem to get even better. So, when the Buckeyes traveled to Wisconsin this week, the Badgers’ faithful did not disappoint:
** “Urban Meyer, release your tax returns” -- Seems reasonable this late in the campaign.
** “Brutus killed Caesar” -- Sure, it’s 2,060 years late, but still relevant.
** “OSU drinks skim milk” -- That’s gross. Skim milk is gross.
** “Clinton deleted my funny sign” -- This presidential season is a gift to us all.
** “J.T. Barrett? More like JT Carrot” -- The sign had a picture of the QB as a carrot. Genius.
** “Bees are dying at an alarming rate” -- This is a serious, under recognized environmental problem.
** “OSU is not good at football” -- The 30-23 final score seemed to undercut that sign.
The Cowboys are 5-1, entering their bye week and cruising under the leadership of rookie signal caller Dak “Ack” Prescott. So, how is the Dallas braintrust dealing with the success? That’s right, they’re benching their rookie sensation as soon as possible to reinstall Tony “Toy Moron” Romo in as their starting QB. Will it work? Of course not. It’s as plain as the letters in the plan:
Tony Romo’s looming Cowboys return
** Cry on, tomboy: More routs, losing now
On the flip side, the over/under on Romo getting hurt again is about 10 plays, so maybe Pak Ascot will be back before you can miss him.
** Here’s the Eagles upcoming schedule: Next week they play the Vikings, who are coming off a bye; the following week they play the Cowboys, who are coming off a bye; after that they play the Giants, who are coming off a bye. Screw you, NFL.
** Delaware lost to Maine on Saturday, fired its football coach on Sunday and we’re really done talking about them for the rest of 2016 now.
** I dropped two of three to Dad this week, so I’m now up only one in our weekly picks. Combined, the three games we picked different were decided by a total of six points. I don’t know what that means, but I feel like it means something.
Week 6 standings 1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 789.93 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 765.40 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 726.28 pts
4 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 720.56 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 708.86 pts
6 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 685.64 pts
7 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 678.34 pts
8 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 648.85 pts
9 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 640.98 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 605.46 pts
11 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 599.08 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 536.19 pts
They said it couldn’t be done, but I’ve managed to claw my way out of second to last all the way up to … third to last. But I’m in spitting distance (theoretically) of Dad and Bob, and clearly primed to make a solid run over the last 11 weeks of the season.
Oh and also Joel is starting to run away with the league. No big deal.
Set your rosters early this week -- in addition to the bye weeks and the Thursday game, there’s another London game early Sunday morning too. This time it involves the Giants and Beckham. Hopefully they can leave him behind when they head back.
1 comment:
Hey Captain, I enjoyed your update but you need to stop bad mouthing Odell. He's my man and will lead my team to ultimate victory over the next 11 weeks. Dad Shane
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