Fantasy league 2016 -- week 5 recap

The presidential debates have made big headlines in recent weeks for a series of controversial quips and barbs from the two frontrunners, but few people know that the NFL invited the two nominees to square off on the top football issues in between all that political stuff. Here’s a partial transcript of that groundbreaking event:

** Why is Sam Bradford succeeding in Minnesota?
Clinton: This is an argument in favor of experience and calmness. Some teams need a game manager who has proven knowledge of the system, even if they lack charisma.
Trump: The whole system is rigged in favor of the incumbent quarterbacks. Plus, the Vikings aren’t as good as the media wants you to believe.

** Did Tom Brady’s punishment fit his crimes?
Clinton: Absolutely. Remember, he was suspended in part for destroying his phone to cover up incriminating texts. That kind of digital sloppiness is unacceptable.
Trump: The NFL claims their science backs up claims that the Patriots were deflating footballs, but science has no place in sports.

** How can the struggling Panthers bring their locker room back together?
Clinton: Cam Newton rubs a lot of folks the wrong way. Maybe they could bring in Michelle Obama to help shine up his image? I hear that works well.
Trump: Under the advice of counsel, I am not at liberty to discuss locker rooms right now. But believe me, I know what goes on in there.

** Who will win the Super Bowl this year?
Clinton: I’m predicting the Steelers over the Packers, two great traditional powerhouses with predictable offenses who can overcome these flash-in-the-pan upstarts.
Trump: The Dallas Cowboys. Who else but America’s team could make America great again?

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.20 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Sammie Coates, 24.73 pts -- on the wire
RB: David Johnson, 31.07 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Martellus Bennett, 25.47 pts -- on Mike’s bench
K: Adam Vinatieri, 23.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Arizona, 20.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Vic Beasley Jr., 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Ant learned from his mistake last week and started Roethlisberger this Sunday. That’s two weeks atop the scoring board for Big Ben since his beat down in Philly, totaling 680 yds and 9 TDs in the last pair of contests. And that’s more passing TDs in October alone than all but six other QBs have for the season so far.

Meanwhile, Mike made the same TE mistake I did in another league: starting Kyle Rudolph over Bennett. Rudolph had 2 fantasy pts, while Bennett had three TDs on Sunday. Screw you, Sam Bradford. And screw you Tom Brady, just because.


“Crappy players you sort of know” edition

3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr., -0.13 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Landry Jones, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.30 pts -- on the wire

Speaking of Carolina WR Ginn, I watched the Panthers/Bucs game until the bitter end Monday night in the hopes of picking up some new jokes for this column and instead left with an unending sadness that made my eyes want to fall out. Only three TDs and three missed field goals over three hours will do that to you.

** After a fan in Toronto threw a beer can at a Texas player during the ALDS last week (what, you didn’t hear about that? Probably because it didn’t happen in Philly), Toronto officials announced they won’t sell cans in the stadium anymore and instead will only serve plastic cups of alcohol. And that’s a normal, sensible reaction to bad fan behavior ...

… or it would be, if that was their reaction when this exact same thing happened in the playoffs last year. Fans littered the field with beer cans for that series against the Rangers, and management responded by banning beer can sales for the uppermost seats only. The fans closest to the field still got metal projectiles for another year, because common sense.

Don’t be surprised if another incident happens in the ALCS and Toronto officials in response finally ban spears and throwing knives for the first time in stadium history.

** Following OT Lane Johnson’s upheld suspension Tuesday for using performance enhancing drugs, the Eagles announced they’ll start rookie OT Halapoulivaati Vaitai on Sunday. And that would make sense if they hadn’t made up that name with leftover letters from the jersey pile.

You may have had trouble watching October baseball this week, mostly because the Phillies aren’t involved so it doesn’t matter at all, but also because a bunch of the games were on second-rate sports channels like TBS and Fox Sports 1. Some fans complained that scheduling was ridiculous, especially given that many cable networks don’t include FS1 in their standard package. But, realistically, there wasn’t much MLB could do about it. Consider what the larger channels were playing Tuesday night opposite the key NL games:

** ESPN: NFL roundup
** ABC: Dancing with the Stars, featuring retired NFL players
** ESPN2: Sportscenter, featuring NFL plays from Sunday
** CBS: A special Tuesday preview of Sunday’s special edition of Thursday Night Football.
** ESPN News: Updates on NFL injuries
** NFL network: Football follies, with a scroll of baseball scores
** ESPNU: NCAA football roundup, featuring the future stars of the NFL
** FOX: Some crummy sitcom.


Despite doubts from the pundits, the Cowboys have started out this season strong, winning four in a row after an opening week loss to the Giants. But with so many rookies at key positions, can they keep up that success? Well, let’s turn to another rookie and see what he thinks:

Dallas Cowboys rookie O-lineman Chaz Green
** Early wins mean zero. Choke? Sad local booing.

I’m sure there will be plenty of national booing to go along with the local booing.

** Another week, another game up on Dad in our picks. I’m plus two now, and pretty sure I’ve won the last three weeks solely because I keep picking Oakland and Dad keeps doubting them. I haven’t been this excited to see them win since the grand old days of Delaware alum Rich Gannon winning the MVP there.

** And that will be the extent of the Delaware discussion, given how terrible they are this year.

** Through the first four games of the Dodgers/Natinals series, almost one-third of Los Angeles’ runs (4 of 14) have been driven in by 2008 Philadelphia Phillies (Chase Utley and Carlos Ruiz). With Joe Blanton in the Dodgers bullpen and Jason Werth in the Natinals outfield, it’s the biggest reunion of Phillies greats since … maybe 2008, actually.

** Why didn’t the NFL have a London game on Columbus Day weekend? Aren’t there natural cross promotion things with that?

Week 5 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 663.77 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 645.41 pts
3 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 628.18 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 602.07 pts
5 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 589.80 pts
6 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 569.49 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 568.64 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 551.08 pts
9 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 542.75 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 525.84 pts
11 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 493.09 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 417.91 pts

Huge, huge week for Joel, who posts 173+ pts and leaps into first place for the first time since … forever? I honestly can’t remember if Joel has ever been this high after the first month of the season.

I also don’t know if I’ve ever been this low. If it weren’t for MomDoyle’s team, I’d be embarrassingly behind the pack. I’m gonna blame this whole crappy season so far on DeSean Jackson and his cancerous influence on the rest of my team. Chip Kelly was right, you just can’t win with that guy.