Fantasy league 2016 -- pre-season predictions

The teams are set and we’re just days away from the official start of our 15th campaign to crown a new Awesome Cup Champion. Most of you still haven’t set your team names, but that’s not a problem, since most of you also won’t win the title this year. Here’s a look at how terrible your draft went:

1.21 Chip-a-Watts, Ant
Projected finish: 1804.54 pts, 12th place
Oh boy. Anthony drafted TEs with two of his first three picks, which is a great idea if you’re putting together an unconventional pass offense but terrible if you’re just trying to collect fantasy points. His RB committee (Hyde, Abdullah) is a collection of folks with concussions and his #2 wideout (Shepard) has never played a down in the NFL. He’ll need Roethlisberger to be spectacular to avoid being the Browns of our league.


May Pay Attention, Paul
Projected finish: 1905.69 pts, 11th place
Paul’s team looks half decent -- WR Jordy Nelson, WR Odell Beckham, TE Greg Olsen -- but his biggest foe will be himself. Will Paul set his roster every week this year? Does he even know we drafted? Will that matter in what has become an increasingly ridiculous league? All good questions that you people don’t pay me enough to actually predict. So, 11th. Done.


Gronky Tonk Man, Joel
Projected finish: 1995.96 pts, 10th place
Joel drafted Cardinals RB David Johnson and no one else I really like. I mean, QB Phillip Rivers and WR Sammy Watkins are probably fine, but I just don’t like them. Sorta like the Lions. Never liked them, never will. What’s the point here? I feel like Phillip Rivers should work on his likeability. Also, maybe on scoring TDs too.


Tiny Trump Gloves, Jim
Projected finish: 2001.00 pts, 9th place
Jim (the only person who tried with a team name this year) picked up Ravens RB Justin Forsett as his 3rd string RB. This week, Forsett was released by the Ravens, then rumored to resign with them, then refused to resign with them, then resigned with them. I feel like that’s not a good omen. Sure, he has other players, but I feel like a team’s 3rd string RB is really the best way to judge their worth.


QBs for everyone!, Jo
Projected finish: 2020.20 pts, 8th place
Jo is coming off a 4th and 2nd place finish the last two years, so it’s time for a major regression. QB Aaron Rodgers and WR AJ Green are studs, but after that her team falls apart quickly. WR Larry Fitzgerald and RB Frank Gore are both 700 years old, and RB Jeremy Hill screwed me last year so I’m still angry. Plus, with a name like QBs for everyone, you need more than two QBs. That’s just a scientific fact.


Cosby’s Sleepers, Mike
Projected finish: 2101.10 pts, 7th place
Full disclosure -- I’m confident Mike has no idea the league got renewed this year. That’s probably for the best, because his stomach would probably turn if he saw that he drafted Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliot in the first round. He’ll roll into opening weekend with three starters who saw zero action last season (Elliot and WRs Kelvin Benjamin and Josh Gordon) and a lot of questions about whether Cam Newton can play superman again this year. I mean, he’ll have those questions if he ever looks at his team.


Yelp For Help, Ma Doyle
Projected finish: 2107.pts, 6th place
There’s no sophomore slump for our second-year coach, who surprised the league last season by finishing just out of medal contention in fourth place. Mom comes in with an impressive RB crew of Peterson, Rawls, and LeVeon Bell whenever he isn’t suspended, and a sneaky good passing combo of QB Russell Wilson and WR Marvin Jones. And after that, she has nothing. But it’ll be fun for a little while at least.


Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
Projected finish: 2222.23 pts, 5th place
This could work, maybe? Nobody likes rooting for QB Tom Brady, but Jeff has assembled a great Atlanta Falcons squad: RB Devonta Freeman, WR Julio Jones and QB Matt Ryan. So as long as his team is playing in the weak NFC South, they should be fine. It’ll be a lot of fun when those three are playing against his defense, the Carolina Panthers, twice this year…


Third is the new 1st, Sam
Projected finish: 2350.77 pts, 4th place
Third is the new first looks good enough to be fourth this year, and that’s the worst phrase I’ve written in years. Sam’s squad is full of potential fantasy superstars (RB Lamar Miller, WR Donte Moncrief, RB Jeremy Langford) and some solid point getters like WR Demaryius Thomas and Mark Ingram. But will those #1 picks be enough to pull a #5 coach into top-three contention for the 15th year of jeebus all the numbers so many numbers this joke fell apart quickly anyways we all hope Sam’s Patriots lose a lot.


North Dakota Reaches, Me
Projected finish: 2403.33 pts, 3rd place
I’ll be honest, I’m not loving this team name. We may have a change mid season. But I am liking a lot of what I’m seeing elsewhere. The WR pool is deep (DeAndre Hopkins, Alshon Jeffery, DeSean Jackson, Allen Hurns, Vincent Jackson) and QB Andrew Luck should return to form. The RBs are lead by the remains of Jamaal Charles, but it could work. Anything is possible if the Vikings will trade a first-round pick for Sam “dead arm” Bradford.”


Bethlehem Moravians, Bob
Projected finish: 2417.99 pts, 2nd place
I’m loving this team, but couldn’t in good conscience curse Bob by making him my pre-season pick to win the league again. Or could I…?
Nah. Eli Manning as team QB should be enough to hold back a great combo of Antonio Brown, Doug Martin, LeSean McCoy and Jeremy Maclin. Plus he’s only a Riley Cooper signing away from reconstructing the 2014 Eagles, and honestly that didn’t end up being great in retrospect.


Who's On First?, Dad
Projected finish: 2418.01 pts, 1st place
Look, if you’re the league’s first two-time defending champion, you’re the pre-season pick to win it again no matter who is on your team. Much like Bill Belechick, Dad has used guile and deceit to get to the top the last few years, so there’s no reason to believe that will stop now. So maybe he can turn RBs Ryan Mathews and Theo Riddick into something useable. Maybe QB Drew Brees really will live forever. And maybe Dad can explain how his was the only team that drafted OK defensive players. We’ll know the answers in just a few months time.


That’s it, kids, Get your rosters set by Thursday night and good luck to everyone, especially the 11 of you who are going to lose in the end.