Fantasy league 2016 -- week 1 recap

 

Rapid overreaction to seeing live (with G) the new Eagles rookie QB turn in one of the best debuts in Philadelphia passer history:

** Carson Wentz is on pace to pass for 4,448 yards, 32 TDs and zero INTs this season, which all would be rookie records.
** His two TD passes were nearly identical: Lofty rainbow throws which settled into his receivers arms as they crossed the goal line that were of such beauty that they caused several grown men in the area to break down in tears.
** The Eagles have scored a safety in every game of Wentz’ career. He’s making the offense and defense better.
** Wentz was 22 of 37, but three of those were smart throw-away passes, five were drops by wideouts, and six more were just pity on the Browns, I believe. There was that one awful throw he tossed in the second, though.
** Based on Sunday’s performance, Wentz should reach 100 career wins in 2022, right after his fifth consecutive Super Bowl MVP.
** Wentz was so good, he made WR Nelson Agholor look competent.

On a more serious note … the kid did look pretty darn good.

QB: Andrew Luck, 43.50 pts -- started by me
WR: Brandin Cooks, 25.63 pts -- started by Mike
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 31.67 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Jack Doyle, 15.83 pts -- on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 17.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Minnesota, 23.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: Danielle Hunter, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Well, at least we didn’t leave anyone on the bench…

Only two RBs rushed for more than 100 yards this week (Williams and Lamar Miller). On the receiving side, 11 wideouts hauled in more than 100 yards in week 1. And 10 QBs passed for more than 300 yards, including Drew Brees 423-yard losing performance. So I’m starting to suspect the NFL has become a predominantly passing league.

And, yes, I double checked. Dude’s name is Danielle. He’s a 6-5, 260-pound defensive end for the Vikings. You tell him he has a girl’s name.


“Defenses that stunk” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New Orleans, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

One week in and we’ve already had a defense score the lowest possible fantasy points. The Saints allowed 35 points on the scoreboard, recorded no turnovers or sacks, and essentially failed to show up at all. They’re on pace to … be terrible all year.

In other news about terrible players, Vikings QB Sam Bradford still has not taken the field.


** In one of my other two fantasy leagues this season (this is a cry for help, people) I entered Monday night’s game with a 14-point lead, all-world WR Antonio Brown still to play and my opponent finished for the week. Yahoo gave me a 94 percent chance to win.
Hold on a second there -- there was a 6 percent chance that all-world WR Antonio Brown would record negative yards receiving and fumble the ball more than seven times? How else could I possibly lose? That’s like Andy Reid clock management math there, Yahoo.

** ESPN commentator Chris Berman opened the Monday night Rams/Niners game by saying “everyone is looking forward to these teams getting back on the field” which was a complete lie because no one cared not even their moms.

** Outside the stadium, before the Eagles game, I ran into a group of about 10 Browns fans getting fired up for the beat-down to come. One of them yelled out “Browns cheer!” and the guys started chanting “Here we go, Brownies, here we go!” The team has been around for 70 years. I know they can’t find a QB, but they can’t find an original cheer either?

Perhaps you saw the new Direct TV commercial this weekend featuring Peyton Manning (or perhaps you missed them because you’re TV was destroyed in a fire and you moved to Calcutta because that’s the only way to avoid it). In the spot, Peyton calls up Eli to invite him over to watch football on Sunday, only to have Eli tell him he can’t come because “I’ve got a game to play.” Peyton smiles and says “I’ll pencil you in for Tuesday.” It’s funny, because Eli is usually the dopey one.

Or is it funny? One of the greatest signal callers in NFL history can’t remember that his brother also plays football? After seeing the commercial roughly 1,700 times, the message is clearly less about expensive TV plans and more about the long-term brain damage caused by on-field collisions. They played the commercial on Thursday night after every illegal hit to QB Cam Newton’s noggin, making me wonder if the Panthers QB can even dial a phone anymore.

That commercial doesn’t make me want to drop an extra $400 a year to watch more football, it makes me want to launch a congressional investigation into the health effects of repeated brain impact.

Also, Lionel Richie does a song introing the commercial, which is a tremendous amount of cost for a 30-second advertisement. Maybe if they just had Peyton alone cracking a joke, they could charge under $300 for that football package.


Tough break for the Cowboys before play even started this weekend, after they lost long-time signal caller (and toy moron) Tony Romo to a back injury for the first half of the season. That pressed first year QB Dak Prescott into service this weekend, and force him to be the unifying force to steady the team. Could it work? Well, it didn’t in week one, which comes as no surprise to those of us who looked closely at his name:

Dallas Cowboys rookie, MSU grad Rayne “Dak” Prescott
** Discord: A kooky name, a sad loser. Worst guy, epic brat.

Already dipping into the college team names for extra letters, eh? It’s gonna be a loooong season.


** Poor start to the new season by me -- I dropped three of four games to Dad to start our weekly picks at minus 2. Only Oakland’s last-minute two-point conversion saved me from an opening week sweep. And, for the record, I think it was stupid to go for two and the win instead of one and the tie.

** The Eagles, Buckeyes and Blue Hens are all undefeated, and the Cowboys are winless. And I saw a safety with G on Sunday. Can we end all the football right now? Please?

** Seriously, though, the Eagles could easily start 2-0 and be alone in first place and all of Philadelphia will lose its mind.

Week 1 standings

1 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 151.07 pts
2 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 134.86 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam), 128.64 pts
4 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 127.97 pts
5 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 127.89 pts
6 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob), 116.84 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 110.80 pts
8 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 108.46 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 98.89 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 91.75 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 84.84 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 66.48 pts

Great start for our perennial runner up Joanna, who puts almost 85 pts between her and last place (sorry, Mom Doyle) despite losing her second round pick (Keenan Allen) for the season with a knee injury. Sam’s third place team starts out in third (this is going to get confusing very fast) and Anthony wins the prize for the best in-season team name adjustment.

In related news, I think Mike knows he has a team now.

No rest for the weary, folks -- football is back up again on Thursday night. Check your rosters and get your waiver wire claims in, and we’ll do it all again. Only 16 more chances to get it right this year.