** Bengals QB Andy Dalton is on pace for 5,856 passing yards (732 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 379 yards.
** Vikings WR Stephon Diggs is on pace for 2,280 receiving yards (285 in two games), which would break the NFL record by 316 yards.
** The Cleveland-LosAngeles-StLouis-LosAngeles Rams are on pace to score 72 points (9 in two games), but still go 8-8 (1-1 so far).
** Titans RB DeMarco Murray is on pace to be tackled in the end zone for a safety eight times (once in two games), which honestly would not be much of a shock.
** Eagles QB Carson Wentz is on pace to be sooooo much better than I thought he’d be in his first year.
QB: Cam Newton, 37.82 pts -- started by Mike WR: Matt Forte, 29.60 pts -- started by Paul
RB: Travis Benjamin, 22.99 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Greg Olsen, 17.13 pts -- started by Paul
K: Graham Gano, 18.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
DEF: Arizona, 25.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Marcus Cooper, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
Ahhhhh, so close. We actually only started two defensive players in the top 25 this week, so … maybe that’s not a big surprise.
And Wentz? He's only the 23rd best fantasy QB at the moment, but that still puts him ahead of dopey Eli Manning, fellow rookie Dak Prescott, flash-in-the-pan Kirk Cousins and the remains of Sam Bradford. And he's even further ahead of the guy drafted ahead of him, Jared Goff, who has yet to see a snap in the NFL. So much for those big-time Pac-12 schools being better than North Dakota State.
“Players that stunk” edition
3rd place: Matt Cassel, -0.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jacksonville, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -3.00 pts -- started by Jo
Joanna gets the prize for the first coach to start a player who records negative pts, thanks to Oakland falling apart in their game against Atlanta on Sunday. (Please note, no prize will be awarded.)
The Eagles dominated the Bears on Monday night, which means Philadelphia fans got to enjoy a solid win with a side order of verbal diarrhea from ESPN color commentator Jon Gruden. The insufferable former coach actually suffers from a rare disease where his heart stalls if he ever stops talking, so he pretty much ran his yap through the entire contest. Here are some of his worst lines:
** “If (Bears C Cody) Whitehair can’t slow down the Eagles defensive rush, Jay Cutler will be the one with white hair.” -- His co host didn’t even smile at the comment.
** “Pass interference in the end zone is a big call, obviously.” -- Yes, so obvious you didn’t need to say it.
** “I wish I had Carson Wentz when I coached.” -- He was only 15 then, you dolt.
** “Wentz has some luggage inside of him that is special.” -- I have no idea what he meant here.
With Tom “Cheater” Brady suspended and Jimmy “Probably Cheater” Garoppolo injured, New England will enter Thursday night’s game against Houston with rookie Jacoby “Brisket” Brissett as their starting QB and WR Julian “I played some QB in college forever ago” Edelman as their backup. No word on who the #3 QB would be, but I assume it’s Belichick.
Some may call that unconventional, risky thinking, especially with Texans all-pro DE JJ Watt bearing down on the New England backfield. But that’s not even the craziest idea Belichick has planned for this season. Consider his other upcoming moves:
** He’s going to sign former Patriots QB Matt Cassel on Wednesday and cut him Thursday morning, just because.
** He’s making Edelman his backup RB, kicker, and tax planner too.
** Win or lose, he’s going to eat Brissett’s heart as part of the post-game ceremony.
** He’s going to start Brady at QB after his suspension is over and pretend like no one thinks they’re cheating again.
The Cowboys got their first win of the year this week, but their first-round draft pick (Ohio State star Ezekiel Elliott) continues to underwhelm in the early season. Many experts have been surprised by his slow transition to pro competition, but to those careful students of the football letter game, his sluggishness comes as no surprise:
Dallas rookie RB Ezekiel Elliott
** Zoo-like beast troll liked ale, ire
I mean, I like beer and getting angry too, but you don’t see me getting drafted for a multi-year contract.
** Getting back on track -- I went 2-1 against Dad this weekend, and now sit a game down in the standings to him. So I’m doing better than the 0-2 Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Speaking of weird QB news, Cleveland is set to start its fifth different QB in the last five games, thanks to another injury on Sunday. As several folks on social pointed out, San Diego has only started five different QBs since 2000. I don’t think the Cavaliers’ magic is extending to the Browns...
** I love me some North Dakota State alum Carson Wentz, but among the 17 shots ESPN showed Monday of folks in Fargo celebrating his great performance, they could have sprinkled in one damn Philly bar scene.
** Sam asked last week if we can keep a running tally of Wentz puns all year, then Anthony sent me four new Wentz-themed names he wants to use through the year, and then I got so excited I passed out. It's all happening. It's Wentz-tastic.
Week 2 standings 1 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 268.08 pts
2 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 254.26 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam), 244.88 pts
4 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 242.67 pts
5 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 242.56 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 241.93 pts
7 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 230.70 pts
8 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 221.45 pts
9 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 215.02 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob), 213.22 pts
11 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 202.65 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 151.81 pts
Huge week for Mike, who I can confirm does know he has a team now. And a huge fall for me, because everyone on my team decided to stink at the same time. Sam would actually be in second place if he had remembered to start the kicker he picked up this week (11 pts left on the bench) and Mom Doyle would be in first place if we were playing golf (we are not).
But don’t despair! It’s still early, and everyone still has a chance to come out on top … unless you’re the Browns.
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