Fantasy league 2014 -- final standings

The 2014 season is over and the Awesome Cup is all ready to be awarded for the 13th time. But, as is our special holiday tradition before the official presentation, let’s look back on the other 10 losers in the league and their disappointing failure of a year:

I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected: 2nd place, 2457.67 pts
Actual finish: 11th place, 1610.25 pts
NFL equivalent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I may have missed this prediction by a bit. Paul was in the mix for the championship this year until week 2 rolled around, and pretty much never challenged for anything but last place after that. He finished as far out of 10th place as 10th place finished out of 1st place. In the fantasy business, we call that “not good.” On the plus side, like the Bucs, he’s in line for a great draft pick next year. Maybe.

King Hippo (Sam)
Projected: 9th place, 2057.89 pts
Actual finish: 10th place, 1989.17 pts
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans
Like its namesake, Sam’s team never gave up fighting. And, again, like its namesake, Sam’s team ultimately ended up in a pile of rubble in the corner of the ring. Last year’s Awesome Cup champion missed the 2000 pts mark by a hair, and earned second-last place thanks to a weak RB corps and an inconsistent Cam Newton. But this year’s failure can never diminish last year’s glory. Except, you know, for the shame he has to carry for the next eight months.

Car full of Clowneys (Joel)
Projected: 5th place, 2314.66 pts
Actual finish: 9th place, 2039.28 pts
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Joel had one of the league’s top QBs (Tom Brady), one of the top RBs (Jamaal Charles) and the top wideout (Antonio Brown). So I have no idea how he ended up so far down here. Bad coaching? Bad luck? Maybe he was playing in the AFC North where 7 wins got you last place? Or maybe Tampa RB Doug Martin is really just that much of a team killer.

Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected: 8th place, 2082.82 pts
Actual finish: 8th place, 2039.98 pts
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
Anthony grabs 8th place from Joel by 0.70 pts, thereby making me dead-on in my pre-season prediction. His team boasted one of the top TEs (Rob Gronkowski), one of the top WRs (Jordy Nelson), and the top defense (Eagles). And … that’s about it. Crappy RB play and a thin wideout bench left him down in the bottom half of the standings. Like the Bears, it looked OK on paper, but it just never worked on the field.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected: 10th place, 2039.08 pts
Actual finish: 7th place, 2184.79 pts
NFL equivalent: St. Louis Rams
It has been nine years since Jeff claimed his Awesome Cup title, about the same time the Rams last made the playoffs. There hasn’t been much exciting to talk about since then for both. Unlike the Rams, however, Jeff played most of this season a defensive player short after forgetting to set his roster in week 7, which probably hurt his chances of victory. Still, playing a man down he beat six other teams, so that’s impressive in its own right. Still a failure, but impressive.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected: 4th place, 2327.88 pts
Actual finish: 6th place, 2184.79 pts
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs
Another year, another promising campaign by Bob which comes up short of the prize. He usually finishes near the top, but, like Andy Reid, can’t seem to close the deal. He missed 5th place by 3.5 pts (a lot of close contests this year) and wastes the work of the league’s top top MVP candidates, Aaron Rodgers and JJ Watt. Maybe a more aggressive name next year could help? Early suggestions: the Caine Mutineers, the African Queens, the Casablanca Play-it-Agains.

Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome)
Projected: 3rd place, 2370.72 pts
Actual finish: 5th place, 2188.35 pts
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
It all looked good for most of the season, didn’t it? The Eagles were in first, I was in first, everything was clicking … and then December came. Everything fell apart, and both of our teams went from contenders to sad, sad pretenders. On the plus side, by finishing outside the top 4, I’m guaranteed not to pick last in next year’s draft. On the minus side, it’s the first time I haven’t finished in the league’s top three since 2007, which was a nice streak.

Gettin' Chippy (Joanner)
Projected: 6th place, 2144.27 pts
Actual finish: 4th place, 2334.16 pts
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
If not for a fourth-quarter injury to LeVeon Bell in the final regular season game, we could be talking about Joanna returning the Awesome Cup to Fort Awesome and rubbing it in my face. Instead, she falls 13 pts short of the top spot and gets nothing but sad, disappointed stares from the rest of the household all off-season long. Just two more TDs over the course of the season could have won the title. That’s painful, until you consider...

Sheldon's Big Money (Jim)
Projected: 11th place, 1998.72 pts
Actual finish: 3rd place, 2338.15 pts
NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals
… that our third place finisher landed a mere 9 pts out of first place, making these top handful of teams ridiculously close together. For Jim, the difference between winning and losing could have been a few extra FGs given up by the Arizona defense over the course of the season, or getting more than a single point from his two defensive players in week 17, or one more long pass from Andrew Luck, or or or or … It’s enough to drive you crazy. Getting a bronze medal instead of a gold by such a small margin is painful, until you consider ...

Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)
Projected: 7th place, 2108.78 pts
Actual finish: 2nd place, 2341.72 pts
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
… that our second place finisher landed a mere 5.16 pts out of first place, or roughly 22 thousandths of Mike’s team’s total points for the season. Or put another way: In week 10, Mike accidentally left his kicker on the bench, and missing those 12 pts cost him the championship. That’s it. One mistake, one ignored week, one coaching lapse and the championship is lost. Mike fielded an awesome team, collected more than 2300 pts, fell a hair short and gets the title of the league’s 10th loser. Fantasy football is a demanding four-month grind, not for the faint of heart. Remember that for 2016.

Stewie Griffins Head (Pop)
Projected: 1st place, 2457.68 pts
Actual finish: 1st place, 2346.88 pts
NFL equivalent: 2007 New York Giants
History was made this season … by me. With Dad’s victory, I have my first accurate pre-season champion prediction in the 13-year history of the league, an accomplishment that in many ways is bigger and more important than what Dad achieved. But, he deserves some credit too.

Dad bet his first round pick on Peyton Manning, eschewing the traditional early RB grab, and rode him all year long … until week 17, where he benched his star and turned to the inferior Eli Manning to bring home the title. The move meant not only shaming his favorite non-Eagle into bench duty but also rooting against his own Philadelphia roots, as he needed all of Eli’s 429 passing yards to pass Mike and win the title.

Sometimes championships require moral sacrifices, and I can’t think of anything more morally corrupt than believing that Eli “turnover” Manning can lead you to a respectable championship. But it worked for the Giants in 2007, and it worked for Stewie Griffins Head this year.

So now, Dad gets his name etched among the greats fantasy history:

As always, thanks to everyone for playing this season, and I hope to see you all back here again in August. I’m gonna pull back on this blog in the football off-season, because I feel like the non-fantasy posts are getting stale and I’m frankly running out of time to say funny things. So, we’ll see if maybe I post things every few weeks, or just around draft time, or not at all until summer camp starts up. For the last eight years, I’ve posted something here every week except for three. After 695 blog entries, this site is overdue for a few changes.

But I still plan on being back here next year every week of the NFL season for 20 more posts of triumph and ridicule, and a chance to reclaim my title from the man who shares my name. Start getting your teams ready now, because you only have eight months of preparation time left.