Scene: CTU super agent ANDY REID and sidekick AGENT JOHNSON have been tracking a terrorist cell who have threatened to detonate a nuclear bomb in Philadelphia. The good guys have just arrived at Lincoln Financial Field, where they make a shocking discovery:
AGENT JOHNSON: There it is, Andy. The nuke is right on the 50-yard line!
(Johnson sprints to midfield. Andy walks casually, arriving a full 60 seconds after him.)
AGENT JOHNSON: Quick, Andy, what do we do? The timer says we have less than two minutes until it detonates!
ANDY: Two minutes, huh? That's enough time for us to go get something to eat, right? I'm starved from all this running.
AGENT JOHNSON: Are you kidding me? We need to deal with this now!
ANDY: The bomb squad guys will be here in like 15 minutes, won't they? That's plenty of time.
AGENT JOHNSON: You can't play this like we're got a full quarter of football left! We're down under two minutes! We've got to hurry!
(Johnson scurries around, trying to decipher the device. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)
AGENT JOHNSON: I think I found something -- the timer is solar powered. If we move this out of the shade, we can buy more time. Let's get it over on the sideline.
ANDY: Nah, we better keep it in the middle of the field.
AGENT JOHNSON: Are you insane? Why wouldn't we use the sideline to our advantage?
ANDY: Nah, stick with the middle. There's more room to work with in the middle of the field.
(Johnson paces impatiently. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)
ANDY: Maybe we should punt this to homeland defense.
AGENT JOHNSON: You want to leave this to defense?!?
ANDY: Yeah, they'll probably figure out a way to stop it.
AGENT JOHNSON: They haven't stopped these terrorists from running all over the place today! And even if they could stop them, there's no time left!
ANDY: There's probably enough time for that. What did you say we have, 30 minutes?
AGENT JOHNSON: 30 seconds!
ANDY: Oh.
(Johnson stares at the bomb, completely panicked. Andy looks at his sheet of possible anti-bomb plays, frowns, looks at the bomb, frowns, then looks at his sheet again.)
AGENT JOHNSON: Andy, the clock is running!
ANDY: I'm getting hungry. Are you sure we can't get a sandwhi--
(A massive explosion wipes out Philadelphia.)
Epilouge: The next day, after listing each of the 300,000 people killed in the ensuing blast as "questionable," Andy says he is dissapointed by the outcome of the blast but "There are always plays that you come out with that you wish you could have done over, but I'm not going to get into all of those."
6 comments:
Clever, but bitter. Your father wants you to submit this to 610, or somewhere where your true talent could be recognized.
he's alone too much. i really worry sometimes.
please talk some sense to him. this kind of brilliance - and bitterness - is wasted on us.
ummm... i might not know much, but i am positively sure about one thing... capt'n awesome's own father was the real reason the eagles lost this week.
i'm sorry dad, but i feel it's my duty to out you.
he had the nerve to let someone (i don't know who, and i don't care) bring in a foreign object and make it part of the shrine during this crucial game. (i wasn't there, but if i had been, i surely would have had more sense than to do someting so aweful.)
this ridiculous banner stating "TOUCHDOWN!" was new; it had no positive track record, no one to vouch for it's abilities to ensure an eagles win, no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
and that man callously added it to the shrine.
it's his fault - simple as that. if you want me to support this team next year, i think you need to strip this man of his responsibilites as shrine manager at fort not-so-awesome-since-capt'n-awesome-left.
(just a suggestion.)
I have to state that I brought the infamous item home from Aunt Maureen, who actually works for the Eagles and is a huge fan, and I think that you are being too hard on your father.
I can't believe you just wrote about this!
I am the Andy Reid impersonator from the Forman Mills commercials, at the games, on all the news programs. I work with a Philly sports website where we parody Andy Reid press conferences (Www.phillypurge.com) and this is an idea we have been talking about doing (Andy Reid on 24.....with players and coaches yelling at him, "Damn it, Andy! There's not enough time"....Reid responding, "We're not gonna' get into that right now".
We should talk about this idea and turn it into a short 2-minute skit about late in the Super Bowl!
Steve Odabashian
www.myspace.com/steveodabashiancomedy
www.phillypurge.com
This was great. I hope Andy enjoyed the overcooked "mushroom" on his steak and I hope his indigestion is still "radiating".
Dad "D"
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