Cowboys coaching search

Though some of my NFL contacts, I came across the Cowboys' initial coaching candidates list today. It was tough to get my hands on it, but it's very interesting.

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Cowboys Corporate Headquarters
2401 East Airport Freeway
Suite 666
Irving, Texas

RE: Head coaching vacancy

MEMO: Say nothing to the press until we've made a selection. We don't want to get forced into a Dave Campo situation again.

CANDIDATE: Jim Mora Jr.
PRIOR JOB: Falcons Head Coach
POSITIVES: Used to dealing with underachieving, overrated players like T.O. (see Mike Vick)
NEGATIVES: He ended the season by losing to the Eagles backups, a team led by Chris Weinke, and us. That’s pretty lousy coaching.
OUTLOOK: Incompetence shouldn’t eliminate him from this list -- We haven’t won a playoff game in nine years.


CANDIDATE: Troy Aikman
PRIOR JOB: Dallas QB, FOX commentator
POSITIVES: Before his frequent concussions, he was our best QB ever
NEGATIVES: After five years working with Joe Buck, those concussions are the least of his head trauma problems
OUTLOOK: I think Jimmy Johnson is still calling all his plays over at Fox, so probably not

CANDIDATE: Jerry Jones
PRIOR JOB: Cowboys Owner
POSITIVES: He’s a football genius (just look at that T.O. signing!) and a handsome man to boot
NEGATIVES: It’s gonna be awkward when he has to fire himself in three years
OUTLOOK: We should at least bounce this off him. Just be careful not to bounce it off that tightly-stretched face of his

CANDIDATE: Kim Etheredge
PRIOR JOB: Publicist for T.O.
POSITIVES: She’s used to working with jerks, and she knows how to make them look better
NEGATIVES: She usually makes them look better by making an ass of herself (See “25 million reasons to live”)
OUTLOOK: No way -- Even T.O. thought hiring her was a mistake


CANDIDATE: The greased up deaf guy from “Family Guy”
PRIOR JOB: Being greased up
NEGATIVES: He’s greased up, deaf, and isn’t real
POSITIVES: Even greased up and deaf, he still can hear a snap count and hold onto the ball better than Tony Romo
OUTLOOK: Strong possibility

CANDIDATE: Satan
PRIOR JOB: Prince of Darkness
POSITIVES: He already knows most of our players
NEGATIVES: Jerry Jones still owes him money from poker last week
OUTLOOK: If we ask him for any more favors, he’s gonna want those Super Bowls back



FINAL ANALYSIS: Geez, even Joe Gibbs looks like a good coach compared to these losers. Somebody call Bill back.