Fantasy football recap, week 13

--- How'd that birthday thing go?
        Yes, I'm older, and I had a great time celebrating with a bunch of you this weekend.
        But, as you also know, I had complained to many of you that I was not looking forward to Monday night's football game because the Eagles had an abysmal career record on my birthday. For the record it was 1-3, with two losses to the Cowboys on Dec. 4s over the last 30 years. The only win was a 13-9 win in 1983 over the LA Rams, and I don't remember watching that on my seventh birthday.
        So, sadly, the only Eagles games that I could remember watchin on my birthday were heartbreaking losses that made me question the existence of the football gods and whether any good was left in this world.
        Until last night!!!!! Jeff Garcia and Lito pulled together everything they had to get me a very memorable gift-wrapped win, and Dawkins even chipped in a few yards.
        I've got five years before my birthday shows up on a Sunday again, so I can ride this one until I'm in my mid-30s, which is nice.
        Also, for the record, the day after I was born (Dec. 5, 1976) the Eagles lost to the Cowboys 26-7. So apparently my hatred for the Cowboys literally goes back to the first hours of my life.

--- Top performers
QB: Trent Green, 31.88 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: Reggie Bush, 45.43 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 24.47 points -- started by Joanna
TE: Antonio Gates, 19.00 points -- started by me
K: Josh Brown, 14.00 points -- started by Paul
DEF: Chicago, 37.00 points -- started by Mike

--- Worst performers, QB edition
Third place: David Carr, -2.22 points -- sitting on my bench
Second place: Brad Johnson, -4.78 points -- on Paul's bench
First place: Rex Grossman, -5.54 points -- started by me
        Johnson and Grossman squared off on Sunday and combined for seven interceptions and no touchdowns. That's great NFC North football for you.

--- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        Heidi left 42 points on her bench this week, and wins it by default because nobody else really earned it.
        I mean, Neal is still starting Mark Brunell at QB, but we're all getting sick of that, aren't we?

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Since I didn't see a lot of football this weekend, I was worried I might not have enough material for this. Then I realized Joe Theisman was calling the Monday night game.
        Exhibit number one: After Hank Baskett made a catch in the first quarter, he said he sees a good future for "Baz-Kette." I didn't know you could mispronounce that if you tried.
        Exhibit number two: After Donte Stallworth made a spectacular one-handed catch, Joe remarked that the play was "a great individual effort by Richard Marshall," the cornerback who got beat on the play. He fell down and didn't defend the pass or make a tackle. But other than that, great effort.
        Exhibit number three: After an intentional grounding call on Jake Delhomme, Joe told us that "the best way to avoid intentional grounding is to get outside the pocket and throw the ball past the line of scrimmage." In other words, don't intentionally ground the ball.
        Exhibit number four: After a non-pass interference call in the third, Joe said "There is such inconsistency in those calls, what counts as interference, what counts as jamming the receiver, what counts as snuggling." He later claimed "snuggling" is when a cornerback runs shoulder-to-shoulder with a wideout, but no one in the booth would back him up.

--- Fun with QB ratings
        Let's revisit those bottom-feeding QBs again for a minute:
** League average QB rating: 80.4
** Carr's rating Sunday: 56.25
** Johnson's rating Sunday: 10.26
** Grossman's rating Sunday: 1.32
** Me walking outside and throwing the ball into the ground: 39.58 rating
        So, if you dropped a football on Sunday, you were almost 30 times the QB that Grossman was.

--- People I just feel like making fun of
*** Eli Manning threw his 18th and 19th TD passes this week, finally surpassing Donovan McNabb in that statistical category. McNabb, who has 18 this year, hasn't thrown one since week 10 on account of his season-ending injury.
*** Michael Vick hasn't thrown for 300 yards in his last 19 games. He hasn't thrown for 200 yards in his last six games. He hasn't thrown for 150 yards in four games.
*** Tony Romo hasn't won a game yet without the assitance of Satan. It's a fact. Look it up.

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Sometimes I wonder if these anagrams are really worth anything. Is this just all frivolity? Does this really make a difference? Am I making the world a better place?
        This week, "Dallas cowboys nose tackle/DE Jeremiah Ratliff" provided me an answer:
        *** Cowjerks is foiled, fall, cry at bad names, hate Leo ***
        Clearly, if the cowboys are crying because of my insults, I must be doing devine work.
        I'm also apparently causing them to use bad grammar. Who knew?

--- What would it take for Tampa to make the playoffs?
        Even at 3-9, the Bucs still have a shot. All it would take would be:
** Tampa Bay wins its last four games;
** Minnesota loses its next four games;
** Carolina and Atlanta tie in two weeks, but lose thier other games;
** Philadelphia beats Atlanta but loses its other three games;
** St. Louis beats Minnesota but loses its other three games;
** San Fran beats Green Bay but then loses its other three games;
** Green Bay loses to San Francisco next week, beats Minnesota in two weeks, and loses at least one other game;
** Washington beats Philadelphia next week, loses to New Orleans, beats St. Louis, then loses to the Giants;
** and Arizona doesn’t win its last four games.
        If all that happens, Tampa will be 7-9 and be able to win the sixth and final wild card spot over the Eagles, based on that loss in Tampa earlier this year.
        So keep hoping, Bucs fans.

--- Our standings so far
First place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 1792.58 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1789.44 points
Third place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1772.48 points
        Don't look now, but Mike is sneaking up to towards the top three...

--- For the record
** Yep, still doing that professional column.
** For those of you keeping score at home, LaDanian Tomlinson had two more TDs this week, but lost ground in the total scoring race. He's now only ahead of 17 other teams in total TDs, with 28. He's tied with three others.
** Just so you're not confused about my fantasy football prowess -- I may be in next to last place in this league, but I've already won $120 in my other league and am still gunning for more cash. Just thought you should know.