Fantasy League 2022 -- pre-season rankings

The teams have been picked, your fate has been sealed, and the fantasy season is just a mere formality now. We’ll play along anyway, just for fun, but here’s how the season is going to shake out:

Let's Go Iggles! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2056.48 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1505.01 pts, 12th place
Paul was penciled into the last spot here even before we drafted, because the odds of him checking his lineup after week 4 are about 10-to-1. But he also may have ended up with the riskiest team on the board. QB Tom Brady? Currently in a mid-life crisis. RB Christian McCaffery? Hasn’t stayed healthy either of the last two years. WR Tyreek Hill? A great talent now with a poor QB. TE Pat Freiermuth? Great name, uneven player. All that adds up to a lot of question marks and another shaky season ahead for Paulie.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2005.47 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1644.98 pts, 11th place
I don’t have any real problems with Joel’s squad, other than I hate his QB (Dak Prescott) and I his starting RB (Damien Harris) is at best a third-stringer and I believe TE Travis Kelce will really drop off this year and there isn’t a single player on his bench I think will finish in the top 20 at their position this year and WR Cooper Kupp can’t possibly be as good as he was last year. Oh and WR Tee Higgins has a funny name. Beyond that, the team is fine.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2029.17 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1884.66 pts, 10th place
Mike never finishes this low, so I know this prediction is gonna haunt me in January. But there is not a lot to like with this team. Too many Cowboys (WR CeeDee Lamb, RB Ezekiel Elliott), too many players who look like shells of their former selves (RB JK Dobbins, TE Darren Waller) and another running back who is starting only because his teammate was shot in the leg (RB Anonio Gibson, true story). Add in an overhyped, can’t-possible-repeat-last year WR Jamar Chase, and there’s the potential for a mess here.

Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2147.07 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1919.18 pts, 9th place
This is already a victory for Dad, because for the first time in three years Yahoo didn’t pick him to win the league. That prediction has been a consistent kiss of death (sorry, Bob) — In the 21 year history of the league, Yahoo has never accurately picked the eventual winner (probably. I’m not checking). Sadly for Dad, his team name is better than his squad. He took All-Pro QB Josh Allen in the first but ended up with middling WRs and RB in exchange for that heavy price. The Buffalo defense looks good in real life but subpar for fantasy. And I’ll bet you $20 right now he can’t pronounce his TE’s name (it’s Davis Ngoku). You know why I’m so sure? He didn’t even notice that I spelled it wrong (it’s Daveed Ngokou). If you can’t name your players, how can you win a championship?

More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2022.08 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1945.00 pts, 8th place
It’s gonna be tough for our youngest player to repeat his brilliance from his rookie year, when he finished second. Jonathan has five WRs that could start on anyone else’s team (Stefon Diggs, Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Tyler Lockett) and he may only have one RB he can start for week 1 (Miles Sanders is hurt? I’m shocked. Just shocked). QB Joe Burrow should be back from his appendectomy for week 1, and that’s a sentence you love to see attached to your fantasy team. But Jonathan’s youthful enthusiasm may be enough to make this all work.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2177.17 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1998.76 pts, 7th place
Poor Bob. Yahoo picked him to be great this year, so this will be a disaster. And it’s easy to see how. He ended up with two middling TEs (T.J. Hockenson and Dallas Goedert) instead of a third good RB or WR, and then the autodraft picked TWO MORE FOR HIS BENCH for some ungodly reason. His top pass catcher is Chris Godwin, who may be dead (the NFL has him listed as “questionable” officially). RB Alvin Kamara could be suspended for an offseason fight. And he drafted S Amani Hooker, who will end up on a “real player or name I made up?” list at some point this season. Lucky for Bob, he doesn’t care that I don’t like his team.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2162.30 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2022.97 pts, 6th place
Mom, listen to me. Do not drop WR DeAndre Hopkins. Yes, he is suspended for six games. No, you should not drop him. He will be really good in October. You will need him then. Do. No. Drop. Him. Until then, this team’s four RBs will carry the squad (Austin Ekeler, Saquan Barkley, James Conner and QB Jalen Hurts). Not having an actual, professional QB will be problematic, of course, but passing is overrated in today’s NFL anyways.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2032.30 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2032.21 pts, 5th place
Huh. Yahoo picked Sam to finish 7th last year too. Did he piss off someone over at the world’s 4th most popular search engine? Sam has hands down the best WR corps of anyone in the league — Justin Jefferson, Mike Evans, and Deebo Samuel are all pre-season top 8 receivers. Sadly, he has no RBs to compliment them. Maybe RB Dameon Pierce can turn into the superstar people are predicting, but anytime you hitch your wagon to the Texans, it’s a dangerous game.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1967.90 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2101.01 pts, 4th place
Jeff ended up with a lot of gamble picks that I like. QB Trey Lance is the biggest risk of the draft, but he’s backed up here by a solid WR corps (Davante Adams, AJ Brown, DK Metcalf), a reliable backup passer (Kirk Cousins) and a good RB tandem (Dalvin Cook, Kareem Hunt). WR Rashod Bateman and RB Travis Etienne could be superstars too … or total busts. I think Indianapolis is the sleeper defense of the year. And 700-year-old Zach Ertz? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2031.25 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Yahoo always hates me, but that’s because I consistently perform better in my weekly and yearly picks then their algorithms do. And this year is no exception. My RB corps is stacked — Derrick Henry with the 8th pick? You all are drunk! — accompanied by comeback player of the year QB Lamar Jackson and Archbishop Wood alumnus/TE receiving leader for 2022 Kyle Pitts working alongside them. Do my wideouts stink? Yes. Will I end up starting the remains of Julio Jones at some point? Yes. But it’ll still be enough to be in the running for my fifth Awesome Cup championship this year.

For the record, Dad’s TE is actually spelled “David Njoku.” It’s pronounced “En-Jo-Koo.” But, to my earlier point, we’re all the way down here in the rankings and he still didn’t see the mistake until now.

Not That Four Seasons (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2073.04 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2202.55 pts, 2nd place
I’m not happy that I like Ant’s team this much, but here we are. Last year’s rushing champ? Jonathan Taylor, check. A fantasy-points vacuum at QB? Kyler Murray, check. Up and coming WR superstar? Chris Olave, check. A top defense playing a soft schedule? San Francisco, check. A player who can likely be worked into tons of jokes? TE Isaiah Likely, check. Sure, coaching will be a problem here, but if Chip Kelly taught us anything, it’s that talent can overcome poor leadership for a short while.

Champ For Life (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2035.14 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 1st place, 2405.33 pts, 1st place
You’re at the top until someone climbs higher than you, and right now Joanna isn’t showing any signs of slowing down after last year’s championship run. This is a sneaky good roster. QB Patrick Mahomes is somehow underrated all of the sudden. RBs Aaron Jones and D’Andre Swift could be the sleeper RBs of the year. And even all these second-string wideouts that make up her squad look like quiet stat heroes — Jerry Jeudy, Gabe Davis, Allen Lazard. Throw in an Ohio State hero on her bench (Garrett Wilson) and the bespeckled K Rodrigo Blankenship, and that’s a good looking squad. At least until it all falls apart because I cursed her by picking her this high.

There you have it — time to tear Joanna down off her perch. In case you forgot, here’s what we’re all fighting for:

Thanks again for playing along with this nonsense year after year. Remember to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game. Only 18 weeks of football left until we crown the next champion.