Fantasy League 2022 -- draft order announcement

It’s hard to believe that this whole enterprise was just a little baby of a league once, too small and fragile to understand the complexities of the world held inside it. But that is no more. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 21st season of our fantasy football battlefield, which means the league is old enough to get drunk this year. And get drunk it shall — off the tears of heartbreak and agony provided by your failures throughout the year.

But before we can get to that sweet, sweet vintage, we need our annual draft order unveiling. And to help with that, we have a special guest this year: none other than former Eagles wideout JJ Arcega-Whiteside. As a sign that there is no ill-will between myself and him after his disappointing stint with the Eagles, JJAW has graciously agreed to hold the helmet where the names are drawn to help officially start the year.

(JJAW is handed the helmet)

(JJAW drops the helmet)

(JJAW is handed the helmet a second time)

(JJAW bats the helmet into the air where it is intercepted by a Giants defensive back)

(JJAW is dismissed forever from league activities)

Sigh. OK, here are the rules of how we do the draft order every year. And the name selection will be done by the younger half of the stars of the Junior Awesome blog, since the older half is an active participant in the league. We’re not even going to let him in the room for the event. We’ve told him to go sit on his bed and think about what he has done. Everyone else’s proxy is present for the festivities, so the first four names go into the helmet, and the initial loser selected is …

Pick #12 — Jo

The winner of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” gets the last pick in the first round this year. Titles last forever, so that should be enough to raise her spirits, but Joanna’s representative at the draft — an old Eli Manning bobblehead doll I keep meaning to throw away — shakes its head in disappointment. Jo again asks why she needs a proxy if she is standing right here for the drawing. She is ignored, and we move onto the next name, which is…

Pick #11 — Jonathan
A yell goes up from the other room, which is also ignored. Jonathan finished second in the league in his rookie year, picking from the #12 spot. So the #11 spot should mean he improves his final standing by one as well, right? The boy’s stand-in, a Lego figure of Hagrid from the Harry Potter series, stares blankly ahead in response. The other child and I press on to get the next name out, which belongs to …

Pick #10 — Mike
You’d think with her birthday around the corner, the younger child would want to be helping out family members who could be buying her nicer birthday gifts, but not so much. Last year’s fourth-place finisher falls one spot in the draft order. His proxy, a camp fan with Darth Vader stickers on it, blows a foreboding wind across the desk as I record the spot. Sensing danger, the girl child and I move on to the next pick…

Pick #9 — Bob
So far, there’s not a lot of drama in the picks this season. Bob finished in third place in 2021, which means our top four finishers got the bottom four draft picks. And really, that’s how drafts are supposed to work. Bob’s representative, a vintage Harry Kalas bean bag doll, smiles on in approval. I can almost hear Bob singing “High Hopes” as he looks forward to his meh draft position. Another name goes into the helmet, and the next sucker picked out is…

Pick #8 — Capt. Awesome
Well, that’s not great. Every year I think this ridiculous draft order scheme is going to help me, and every year I manage to move up several spots to a worse pick. I do, however, have the best proxy of anyone in the room to help inspire me to greatness: my new #20 Brian Dawkins Phillies jersey T-shirt. No, you read that right. A Dawkins Phillies shirt. I actually own one. And it is glorious:

So, in an important way, I have already won this year. But we continue on with picking the names anyway, and the next one out is…

Pick #7 — Jeff
Jeff finished 6th last year so his pick here is … exactly where he should have picked. Huh. I was really expecting more excitement this year. The Blue Collar Killers, represented by my unfolded blue dress shirts sitting in a pile by the couch, crumple slightly in agreement. The girl child asks if she’s in trouble for already picking out my name. I tell her to finish her work because she’s sleeping on the floor tonight. The next name out of the helmet is …

Pick #6 — Pop
Oooh, tough break for Pop, who falls two spots from his disappointing 2021 9th place finish. His proxy, the latest copy of the C4 newsletter, notes that “when attempting to assign a grade to colonial coins, it is extremely important to look not only at the relief detail of the coin, but also at the surfaces of the coin.” Please keep that in mind when you’re trying to decide where to rank older surfaces like QB Tom Brady in your pre-draft rankings. Onto the next name, which belongs to…

Pick #5 — Grandmom Linda
Oh, I get it now. The girl child moved Grandmom up in the rankings three spots because she knows who always buys the most presents.On cue, Grandmom’s representative — a roll of Christmas wrapping paper — falls from a nearby shelf and starts to wrap itself onto some old toys. This is the most questionable draft decision since the Eagles took WR Jalen Reagor over WR Justin Jefferson. (Still on the team, somehow!) The final four names are in the helmet, and the next spot goes to …

Pick #4 — Joel
Joel ends up with the most problematic pick in fantasy football, where all the experts tell you to take the first WR but most folks take the fourth RB instead. His stand-in, a football autographed by Rich Gannon, seems to suggest he should consider taking a QB instead. It’s bad advice, but at least it's on brand. Jonathan asks if he’s allowed out of his room yet. He is ignored, and another name is drawn out …

Pick #3 — Sam
Great news for Sam, who moved up four spots to grab the bronze medal pick slot. His proxy, a copy of “Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl,” promises Ninja-Turtle-level pain for the rest of the league. Or maybe it’s Spongebob-level. I’m not sure which one would be more fearsome on a football field. The younger child asks if Sam might buy her a birthday present. I tell her there are only two names left, so the last loser is …

Pick #2 — Paul
2021’s last place finisher does not get the first pick two years in a row. There is no reaction from Paul’s representative: a calculator that only has the first four numbers working, because Paul usually forgets all about the league around week 4. Maybe this year will be different. And maybe the Eagles will actually try to find linebackers who tackle someday. Without holding our breath for that, Paul’s placement in the draft order means this year’s early winner is …

Pick #1 — Ant
The last time Ant had the top pick in our league was 2015, when Chip Kelly was the Eagles coach and Darren Sproles was still alive (RIP, his knees). Ant finished third that year, despite drafting RB LaDanian Tomlinson #1 overall (probably. I’m not gonna go check). Jonathan is allowed to return to the room temporarily to high-five his godfather’s proxy, an out-of-tune guitar purchased when Donovan McNabb was still the Philly starting QB. As the boy taps the instrument, you can just barely imagine “Fly, Eagles, Fly” playing softly.

That’s it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 3), so get your affairs in order. Remember to set your pre-draft rankings to avoid injured players, players who will be injured again soon (looking at you, Miles Sanders) and all the Cowboys you can find. Any questions or last minute changes, drop me a line. Good luck to all on the imaginary gridiron out there.