Fantasy league 2021 -- week 16 recap

What Christmas songs NFL teams were playing in the locker room this weekend:

Carolina Panthers: Silent Night
Only six points scored on Sunday, and only two games with more than 21 pts since Oct. 24.

 
Maryland Nameless Team: Deck the Halls
Defensive linemen Jonathan Allen and Daron Payne threw punches at each other on the sideline of Sunday’s blowout loss to the Cowboys.

Chicago Bears: Little St. Nick
Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles led a game-winning 4th-quarter TD drive to win the game, adding to his Christmastime lore.

Dallas Cowboys: Let it Snow
The team celebrated clinching the NFC East title with their standard cocaine binge.

St. Louis Rams: Do You Hear What I Hear
Very quietly, the Rams are positioning themselves for a high seed in the playoffs.

Philadelphia Eagles: The Jolly Fat Man
OT Lane Johnson got a TD grab and all the elves celebrated.

Houston Texans: Dahoo Dores
The 4-11 Texans have losses to the Jets and Panthers but wins over the Titans and Chargers. Much like the Whos singing, none of this makes sense.

QB: Joe Burrow, 46.10 pts — on Mom D’s bench
WR: Tee Higgins, 30.93 pts — started by Jo
RB: Damien Harris, 28.30 pts — started by Paul
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.33 pts — started by Dad
K: Ryan Succop, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 28.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Alex Singleton, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Paul with a top performer. An Eagles linebacker as the top defensive player on the week. And a Cincinnati QB who threw for 525 yds. I’ll be honest, I won’t be surprised if the four horsemen pay us all a visit this week.

We were also so, so close to having a Texans player as the top RB on the week, impressive considering they’re the worst rushing offense in the entire league. But, alas, Rex Burkhead’s 149 ground yds, two TDs and 27.9 fantasy pts were not enough to get him onto the list. So forget him and the fact that the Texans have gotten two mentions in this column already.

“Christmas” edition

2nd place: (tie) Le'Veon “Jingle” Bell, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jake “Holiday” Funk, -0.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Equanimeous St. “Nick” Brown, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Oh, the St. Brown boys. I just can’t stop putting you in this recap.

Bell, who in 2017 had more than 1,900 yds of offense with the Steelers, has played for four different teams in the last 16 months and totaled fewer than 550 total yds. He had two rushes for -1 yds on Sunday, playing for a Tampa Bay team desperate for any capable bodies to throw in at RB. Looks like he may not be there for long.

Honorable mention to Giants QB Jake “State Farm” Fromm, who played nearly three quarters against the Eagles on Sunday and totaled 0.20 fantasy pts in his time. That’s only 230.5 times fewer points than Burrow, the top QB on the week. Maybe next time, kid.

 

** ESPN had a feature last Friday night dubbed “2021 Images of the Year.”

It was three minutes of video clips with occasional paused images to make it seem like they were still pictures instead of moving pictures.

I’m looking forward to the network’s “2021 in words” feature that includes nothing but grunts and instrumental music.

** Alabama LB Will Anderson this week was asked about his feelings ahead of this week’s big college football playoff game against Cincinnati. His response:

"I feel like we're the underdog in this game," he said. "All year we've been disrespected."

To be clear, that’s a player on the Alabama Crimson Tide, the #1 team in the country, who are 13.5-point favorites in this game against the non-Power-Five Bearcats — who have not been ranked higher than Alabama at any point despite having an undefeated record — saying he feels like his team has been disrespected and an underdog in this game.

Sure. That all makes sense.

** Headline after the Steelers’s game on Sunday: “Frustrated Pittsburgh not ready to throw in the towel after loss”

Of course they aren’t. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t been able to top 160 yds passing the last two weeks. They can’t throw anything.

In light of multiple college teams struggling during the pandemic outbreak, the NCAA has accepted new sponsors for the remaining college football games. Here are the notable changes:

** The Pfizer Vaccine Bowl: Maryland vs VA Tech. The winning team will get a free booster shot, regardless of the date of their last inoculation.

** The Sigma Bowl: Oregon vs Oklahoma. Omicron may be the covid variant we’re all worried about today, but the next set of mutations is trying to announce their presence with a big-dollar bowl spend.

** The Las Vegas Bowl: Wisconsin vs Arizona State. This sponsor hasn’t changed, but the tag line of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” has been changed to “nothing can be contained anywhere.”

** The Pfizer Pristiq Bowl: Wake Forest vs Rutgers. The pharmaceutical company would like to remind you that along with the covid vaccine, they also produce anti-depression medication.

** The Back Out Bowl: Penn State vs Arkansas. This was the Outback Bowl, but with everyone backing out of everything, well, you get it.

** The BCS National Championship game: Canceled. Considering how bad everything is right now, nobody wanted to see Alabama win another title.

** Important note!! Thanks to G, whose eagle eyes (not Philadelphia, the other ones, the good kind) spotted an error in this week's anagram. Luckily, the evil of the Cowboys still leaks through, and it required only a minor fix. It is correct now. 

 

In the spirit of the holiday, I decided to take a break this week from ridiculing the evil festering inside the Cowboys organization and instead try to find the goodness of the season creeping inside. And what better candidate than Sean McKeon, a second-year tight end who is still new to the organization and starting to come into his own. Can the joy and festiveness of this time of year melt the cold, bitterness that lurks down in Dallas:

Cowboys/Michigan reserve tight end Sean McKeon
** Everyone knows Christmas be matching genocide

Dear gawd, man. It’s the holidays. Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men and stuff. Do these guys have no shame?

** Dad went 2-1 against me in the picks this week, so with two weeks left in the season, I hold a slim two-point lead over him. Should be a dramatic finish, and I’m just hoping that the entire season doesn’t hinge on a Lions upset or something else unsightly.

** Eagles can clinch a playoff spot next Sunday, and dear gawd, now I’m definitely looking for the four horsemen.

** Just when I was starting to like Carson Wentz again … at least he went into protocols after taking 75 percent of the Colt’s snaps this season. Who knew that of the Eagles’, Dolphins’ and Colts’ first-round picks, Indy’s might be the most valuable?


Week 16 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 2111.27 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 2081.92 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1916.01 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1889.44 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1826.42 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1815.97 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1799.08 pts
8 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1791.27 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1742.50 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1714.17 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1699.11 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1173.97 pts

Jonathan’s impressive 160.79 pts week was muted by Joanna’s slightly-less-impressive 150.56 pts week, putting more distance between the two of them and the rest of us mere mortals. Two weeks of football left and less than 30 pts between them … the excitement is unbearable.

Dad’s quest to overtake 10th place took a hit this week, as did my efforts to post a respectable finish. Bob is starting to pull away with third place, Jeff is trying to lock down fifth, and Paul remains dead.

Congrats, you made it through another year of Thursday night football punishment. Last week was the final off-day NFL game of the season. This week, it’s 15 games on Sunday and one on Monday, the way God intended. Get your rosters set early anyway, so you can finish the season strong.