There are a few changes to the draft order announcement this year. First, in the name of safety and responsibility, this year each of our coaches will be represented by a proxy face protector instead of the normal assortment of inanimate objects around my living room. Remember to use your masks every time you set your roster .
Second, in past years we have used the Fort Awesome children as impartial arbiters to pull out the draft order names using our much-beloved modified NBA draft order system. This year, however, they are absolutely not impartial. They keep asking questions like “will you lose if we pick your name now?” and “how angry will Pop be if we pick his name?” and “if everybody knew the Washington football team’s name was offensive, why did they keep using it for years and then get backed into a corner and forced to drop it without a replacement?”
Despite the changes, the stakes remain the same. The names of our top four finishers from 2019 go into the Eagles helmet and our first loser to be selected is …
Pick #11 — Mike
Our third-place finisher from last year gets the lowest possible pick in this year’s contest. His representative at the draft, a Portland Trailblazers all-black “Dame D.O.L.L.A.” mask, lets out a loud (but safely contained) sigh. The children ask how angry Uncle Mike will be and whether we should call and laugh. Instead, we carry on. The next name out is …
Pick #10 — Capt. Awesome
And for the second year in a row, my children cackle with glee that as I end up with the second-worst draft position. There’s a groan from my proxy, a custom-made neck gaiter featuring Gritty and the Philly Phanatic riding Utahraptors into battle, but that’s fine. I nearly won the league drafting out of this spot a year ago. The next name pulled belongs to …
Pick #9 — Pop
The second, third and fourth place finishers from 2019 are all out of the helmet now, with Dad getting no help from his ungrateful grandchildren. His stand-in for the draft, a faceguard made entirely out of state quarters, rattles slightly but offers no other reaction. The children now ask if this means Mom will win. We’re going to need fairer draft volunteers next year. Time to go back to the names, and the next one out is …
Pick #8 — Bob
Bob’s proxy, the Wonder Woman mask that grandmom made for her granddaughter, roars and swirls around in righteous rage. This is the lowest possible draft spot Bob could have ended up with, and the children give a sheepish look after their glee in tearing down the family caught Bob by accident. Then they ask if they can watch a show on their tablets. They cannot. The next name out belongs to …
Pick #7 — Anthony
Anthony lands exactly where he finished last year, and his full-face Eagles underdog mask barks out its resigned approval. The children ask me to make funny voices like Anthony does when he gets wound up. I refuse. They remind me how happy they are they picked my name early. We proceed to the next name …
Pick #6 — Grandmom D
Now the children are upset. They ask if they can put Grandmom’s name back in the hat so she’ll get a better pick. Her proxy, a hand-stitched mask with “my grandkids are perfect” written on it, remarks how sweet her grandkids are. The slip with her name remains out of the helmet. We carry on to the next one …
Pick #5 — Paul
Paul’s representative, a Philadelphia Union scarf with two eye holes cut out of the middle, twirls around the room screaming “goooooooooooaaaallll” even though he actually fell a spot in the draft order. No worries, he’ll get his footballs and futeballs straight soon enough. The final name is in the helmet now, and the almost-bronze place award goes to…
Pick #4 — Sam
Finally! Our champion from last year managed to sneak seven spots up to the fourth-best pick, giving him an unfair advantage heading into this year. His stand-in, a plush Kirby doll turned into a grotesque face mask, puffs up in glee. The children ask if the tablets are charged yet. They will not be getting any dinner. The next name out belongs to …
Pick #3 — Joel
Our last-place finisher from last year gets a third-place draft order finish, reminding everyone again why it doesn’t pay to give up on the end of the fantasy football season. His proxy, a mask with a picture of a mask wearing a mask on it, collapses into existential confusion. As the time-space continuum, begins to slowly dissolve around us, the children grasp for the next name and out comes …
Pick #2 — Joanna
After having tuned out several picks ago, the children now scramble to figure out if they just hurt or helped Mom’s draft chances. Joanna’s draft representative, a handmade mask with “Iverson was better than Jordan” across the front, tells them they will get dinner tonight. I correct her and say that’s still in doubt.
Just a single name left in the helmet now, so congratulations goes to …
Pick #1 — Jeff
Jeff’s proxy, an exact replica of Panthers RB Christian McCaffery’ helmet, wins the right to draft McCaffery first overall in this year’s draft. He celebrates by running out of the room, splitting two defenders and plowing into the end zone for a TD, somehow giving Jeff a seven-point lead before the season starts. The children ask whether there are any minutes left for a show before bedtime. They are dismissed.
That’s it, folks. Get your draft sheets ready. I’ve looked and they are as bad as ever this year. You have until Saturday night to get Leonard Fournette and Darius Guice and A.J. Feeley out of your pre-draft rankings, and we should have teams ready to go sometime early on Sunday. And don’t forget to get some good new team names, or else the terrorists win.
1 comment:
Thanks for doing this, Leo. Time to start avoiding the NFL and screwing up my lineup.
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